Don't Care

I thought I could be happy.

But I guess I’ll be denied.

Heaven blesses me

with tears and suffering.

Hardly my idea of bliss.

I don’t care.

It hurts.

The bittersweet betrayal

stabs me in the back.

Can’t I be happy?

No.

Can’t I be loved?

No. I don’t deserve it.

I don’t deserve any of it.

 

My heart suffocates

under this blasted stress.

I keep saying,

“I deserve it!”

Somehow, I don’t believe it.

The past haunts every day

of my life,

reminding me by

brushing its cold fingers

over my shoulder.

I want to deserve it,

but the deeper part of me

denies it.

The negative wars

with the positive,

catapulting deadly insults

and murderous compliments

across the battlefield

of my mind.

I am good enough.

I’m not good enough.

I can be happy.

I can’t.

I want to be worthy.

I can’t be worthy.

 

Always an endless battle,

and I am my own

worst enemy.

It’s difficult to tear myself

away from that

perpetual fight.

How long will this last?

I hope not forever.

I want to be worthy.

I want to love.

I don’t want to hold

myself back any longer.

Author's Note

A little angst for your enjoyment.

Reviews

[Poetic Beauty]

There are times in our life that stop us from allowing ourselves to move forward and be happy. Fear, insecurity, depression and so many other emotions that step into play. We want deeply to be happy and to love but something holds us back. And the inner turmoil is a continuous cycle until we are truly ready to let go of the hurt and love ourselves and begin to start a new chapter. I felt all the emotions and trials in this piece.

[E.V. Black]

And every single one of them was real. Each of my poems is akin to a thoughtful journal entry. You are not just seeing art, but straight into my soul.

You are not wrong, and I am going forward with my best, although it can be difficult to break the old cycle.

Thank you for your lovely comment. It was extremely insightful.

[Poetic Beauty]

Very few of my poems are written just for fictional purposes. Usually mine are written about a person, memory or dream that I have had. I write all my poems by hand in journals first then type them up. They are pieces of me as well. Wishing you the best in life, love and writing.

[Madison O'Dwyer]

Questions that all of us (if not, just me) fear from time to time. Your poem was beautiful, and beautifully questioning. Thank you for sharing :)

[E.V. Black]

Thank you for your comment. Sometimes it is difficult to escape from the questions. Sometimes they haunt me more at some times than at others. Though, I feel like I am beginning to flee their grasp.

[Joiedevivre]

oh my, i really so know what you are talking about here, this is such an aggravating feeling and seems impossible to grow out of. But we do at times, even just for a few hours… Hope you are well xx

[E.V. Black]

Thank you, Joie, and I am well. I wish you wellness and perfect health to you. We all deserve happiness, although we can all be our own obstacles in the journey for that desired happiness.