caught up in the plan

an organizaiton of thoughs on recent events in my life

I started out innocent, not tainted by the feud at hand

My loved ones said it was not worth it

You needed my strength and my will

 

Not knowing how to love or be loved

You held onto an unobtainable dream

That true intimacy could exist without words

 

Loving the adopted was not enough

Being attacked by their father and maintaining my love and presence,

Was not enough

 

Selling my soul to the disdainful corporate America -

My time, emotion and fortune,

Was not enough

 

I could never have what they were giving to him

He hurt them over and over, he hurt you

Yet he still had their hearts

 

Being frustrated, you did not help nor offer to support to me

I felt used

An occasional recognition of my status by using my title instead of my name would have been enough, but that never happened, unless they needed something from me

 

Feeling this way I lashed out, only on occasion,

but my feelings were ever present

I did not recognize the problem, I was blinded by my own pain

 

As the dream failed to be realized

The focus changed to the negative features of your love

I did nothing right for all those years, I was evil

 

You closed your door to me, never to let me back in

 

You recognized you could not live this way.

 

There needed to be a plan, it must be a secret as I don’t trust him

You thrive on the intensity of a covert operation

Once the plan was in motion there would be no turning back – finally some progress in my life

 

You felt guilty, were your actions right?

Watching and waiting daily for justification,

which arrived on scheduled, the 16^th of the month – there must be a pattern, study the book

 

But wait, this month was drama free,

Need to focus on the plan

It will happen again – more fuel for the plan, don’t forget about the book

 

The selfishness of the plan required the justification to expand

It’s not about me, it’s about the three innocents

I can suffer, they cannot

 

The plan grew in complexity, measure and lies

Need more justification - what else are friends and family for?

They said go do it, operation ejection is in full swing

 

When should I do it, not this month it’s our anniversary

Not next month, we have birthdays

How about next year? Green light – attack at night without warning

 

Explosion – my outer crust was destroyed

All other hurt is minimal as compared to loosing my soul mate

I must search for a solution while concealing my hurt from the plan

 

Now I found a secret key, do I use it?

I push and push and open the door,

You are uncomfortable and you do not trust a stranger in your house

 

As I look inside, YOU are a stranger too

I love what I see, I don’t understand what I feel

Very hurt by the plan and the lies but excited to get a taste

 

It has been so long since I have seen you,

There are pieces that I recognize and pieces that I don’t

There are also more doors, doors I have never seen

 

Where do we go from here?