No Use In Crying
��������After Christian got his reminder call at eleven that check out time was at noon, he took a quick shower in order to put himself back together again. As the sensation of the steaming hot water began calming him down some, he remembered a long time ago when his father used to say �there�s no use in crying,� and his father had been absolutely right. So after all the feelings of angst so ruthlessly escaped, he wiped the tears away and decided that after he left The Plaza hotel, he would try yet again to improve his life. First there was the setback of his parents death which still haunted him, and now Derek�s, but instead of hating the world, and hating himself for it, he decided he owed it to them to live, and make them proud. They�d been wronged by having their lives taken away and they didn�t need to be wronged again by Christian not taking advantage of being alive.
��������After stepping out of the shower, he caught sight of his mangled arm before he put his shirt back on. The cuts were deeply engraved into his skin and looked as if they would never fade away, but he knew with time they would heal, and so would he. His mind blurred back to when he was sitting on the floor of the dark abandoned orphanage, just hacking away at himself, and remembered that even though he must have been absolutely out of his mind to do something like that, he never intentionally put too much pressure on the vein, and that had to mean something. It meant that he never wanted to die, he just wanted to punish himself, for all the things he felt responsible for. The cutting had become a habit over the tough week of Derek�s loss, he always formed some bad habit to keep his mind off of things, like cutting, doing drugs, fighting, and maybe this time he�d make a habit of kicking a*s. Not physically, (unless someone dared to mess with him), but kicking a*s in life. He wasn�t sure if that meant getting rich off his a*s or what, but he was looking forward to find out. He took one last look in the bathroom mirror, still unsure of who was looking back at him, but knew that one day he would be great.
��������When he opened the front door, he jumped at the white robed curly-haired angel slumbering against the stucco wall. He couldn�t believe she was still here, interrupting his quest to have a good life, still here to confuse him even more. He became deeply plagued with confusion by the reaction he had to just touch her, remove the ringlets away from her eyes, and by the fury boiling within him that she hadn�t yet left. He kept taking a step forward and backwards, wavering on what to do at this point.
It had to have almost been noon, and if he didn�t check out soon then the hotel would charge him for another night, and he had already spent practically all of his cash to please her. He looked down at that ostentatious yellow ring, and began hating himself all over again. How could she say yes to David? After the time they spent together over the holidays, after he took hours to decorate their castle in Christmas lights, how could she even sleep with her so called boyfriend, fiance, whatever, after the numerous times she cheated? Better yet how could David sleep with her? And look past everything as if it never happened? It was one fucked up relationship, and Christian knew it was fucked up long before he came in the picture.
He would have loved to believe her claim about calling it off with David, but he knew that they were probably a better match anyway. That something would stop them, either her parents, his lack of money, or her fickle infidelity between him and David. If she cheated on David did that mean she would cheat on him? There were too many questions like that, and as much as his heart was begging him to wake her up and begin a new life with her, instead he walked down the hallway towards the elevator, punching the button impatiently, trying his hardest not to look back. When the elevator door dinged open, inviting him to come inside, he couldn�t help himself, and took a glance at sleeping beauty only using his eyes.
�I love you,� he whispered.
Even though he was several feet down the hall, she stirred as if she could feel him saying the words, rather than hear them.
With that Christian quickly entered the elevator, and pressed the button to the lobby, with the doors quickly closing. As much as he tried to fight the off, tears came down as quickly as the elevator passed each floor. His father was right, there was no use crying, but there was no use in trying to hold back the tenacious hold of heartache either. It came out one way or another.
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