I Would Rather Lose Myself

Romantic and sad.

        Hallie�s heels clacked noisily through the parking garage as she made her way back to her car.

�You are aware that you�re still in lingerie right?� Christian asked behind her trying not to stare at her a*s. �Here,� he said taking off his jacket and putting it around her, the same one he put around her on Halloween. It fell down to her knees so that when she buttoned it up only her white stocking legs could be seen.

Still on a rush from her diva rant at the La Perla people, she hadn�t even noticed. �You�re right I don�t think they�ll let me in any restaurant that way,� she laughed.

�Maybe in Hooters,� Christian chuckled.

�Yeah well we�re not going to Hooters.�

�Then where are we going?� Christian asked as Hallie unlocked her car with the automatic remote.

�You�ll see,� she said slyly.

�I�m not dressed up for some fancy restaurant or anything,� he warned getting in the passenger seat. He took in the smell of her brand new leather seats. It had been a while since he rode in a new car, or in any car for that matter.

�Oh so you think I�ll only eat somewhere if it�s a fancy restaurant?� Hallie asked playfully.

�Yeah I really do,� he nodded laughing.

�Put your seatbelt on,� she said rolling her eyes and pulling out of the lot. They drove down the Christmas decorated streets and even though it was eight o clock at night the LA traffic hadn�t subsided.

�I still can�t believe you back there, I just hope you don�t end up regretting it or anything,� Christian said thoughtfully.

�Well I can�t believe you came to the show, and hopefully you don�t end up regretting it,� Hallie replied.

Christian didn�t respond, and looked out the window seeming uneasy. Wondering what was with the mood swing, Hallie stared at his side profile against the lit up buildings flashing by as she drove, and a million things raced through her mind even faster. What was he thinking about? Was he thinking about their kiss? Was he thinking about jumping out of the moving vehicle and ditching her to go back to his friends who referred to her as the �other� girlfriend? Or that trashy-sounding chick calling him �baby� while she was on the phone with him? A hint of envy crept up knowing he might be someone else�s �baby�, even though she herself belonged to someone too. She felt like such a hypocrite.

�Do you want me to just drive you back to the bar?� Hallie offered breaking the awkward silence.

Christian shook his head and rubbed the back of his neck as if he was stressed out, then let out a heavy sigh.

�We�re almost there,� she mumbled.

They drove the rest of the way in silence and she finally parked on the street in front of her destination, La Brea Bakery.

�This place has some of the best pastries here, and it�s not all pricy like the ones in Beverly Hills, it�s like a little gem,� she explained getting out of the car.

�What do you care about price?� he asked callously.

Hallie stopped just outside the door to the bakery glaring at him. �Just because I�m rich doesn�t mean I don�t know the value of a dollar,� she said her voice rising.

�No, I�m sorry to say it, but there is no way in hell you know,� he said looking at her like it was the dumbest thing he ever heard.

�What the hell is your problem? I told you I�d drop you off back at the bar if you want to go,� she asked insulted.

�Lets just go in,� he said walking past her inside.

The bakery was decorated for Christmas just like everything else. Christian shuttered, he was kind of like the scrooge on Christmas, he hated everything about it, but that�s not why he was miserable.

�I know what I�m getting. Do you know what your getting?� Hallie asked him looking at the menu posted on the wall.

�Actually I�m not hungry get whatever you want,� he replied reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pack of cigarettes. �I�ll be outside,� he said lighting up and heading out the door.

This whole thing was a mistake Hallie realized. Calling him, seeing him, kissing him, hanging out with him afterwards, it was all just one big mistake that she�d regret, just like he said.

Hallie placed her order, paid and went to join unpredictable Christian smoking outside.

�Well since that was so painful for you I guess I�d better drive you back home,� Hallie said angrily.

�I don�t need a ride.�

�Here,� she said practically ripping off his jacket and shoving it into his arms. �I don�t know why you are acting this way, but you obviously want to be alone. Goodbye Christian, I�m sorry I bothered you.�

She walked quickly as she could back to her car flinging open the door and got in. She tried slamming it shut and it wouldn�t budge and jumped when she saw that Christian was holding onto it. No matter how much she tugged it he wouldn�t let her close it, and easily held onto it with one hand.

�What the hell are you doing?� she asked standing up. A car whizzed by nearly running Christian over. He pinned Hallie up against her car so she�d be okay, but he certainly wasn�t okay being that close to her. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, opening them back up to look at her.

�I love you, that is why I�m acting this way,� he said softly.

�What?� Hallie exclaimed unsure if she heard him correctly.

�You heard me.�

Hallie�s hair blew with the wind the speeding cars were creating. She stood against the car feeling helpless.

�I went back to my parents house for the first time since the murder, and for so long I thought I should have died in that house with them. Sometimes I wish I did, but when I was there I realized that I�m meant to take care of you, and that�s why I lived,� he confessed.

She looked at him shivering every time a car blew a cold gust of air in their direction and felt like crying for him.

�When I think about what I regret more, letting my parents die or leaving you, it�s leaving you, as wrong as that f*****g is.�

�You didn�t let your parents die Christian, you were a kid,� she said with her lip trembling, trying her hardest not to cry.

�I let you go, and I was a kid then too,� he pleaded.

�But it�s too late for us,� she whispered. �I can�t betray David anymore, I mean look at me Christian. I am standing here on the street in lingerie like a damn prostitute, and that�s what I�ve been acting like when I�m with you, and its not me! I never cheated on anyone and I f*****g hate myself for it!�

�You don�t have to be some s**t that cheats on her boyfriend, you could quit hating yourself and just be with me instead, the guy that has loved you all your life,� he said delicately rubbing her bare shoulder.

�Loved me all my life? Weren�t you on a date out at the bar?� she said shrugging his hand off.

�What are you talking about?� he asked puzzled.

�That s**t I heard over the phone, and what was with Derek calling me your other girlfriend?� she demanded.

�I�m going to kick his a*s,� he muttered. �I was out with some people, was planning on getting laid tonight, with�I don�t even remember her name. The second you called I left to find you,� he explained more detailed than she would have liked. At least it was honest.

�Why? I didn�t even ask you to come, I just wanted to talk to you real quick,� she said.

�You know why, don�t make me say it again. Look, if you think you are meant to be with David then tell me right now,� he demanded.

�I don�t know if him and I are meant to be yet,�

�And what about us? What about this?� he asked lifting the gold locket from her chest and holding the little heart in his palm. �You don�t even want to know the crazy a*s dreams I have about us, they almost always have this locket in them.�

Taken aback by what he said, her own dream crept into her mind. The speeding traffic became a breeze rustling across the ocean, and instead of standing in the street on La Brea Avenue they were at their lighthouse, William and Natalie Fenris. How she wanted that to be true after the touching things he admitted to her, but it just wasn�t, it couldn�t be.

She gently took the locket out of his hand tucking it under her corset. �This isn�t yours anymore, you stole it a long time ago but it belongs to me now,� she said.

�I�ll always be in there though,� he said pointing to where his picture was.

�Not if I take it out,� she replied hastily.

�I dare you to try and take it out. Take it and throw it in the middle of the street never to be seen again, and then I�ll go away too,� he challenged.

Hallie bit down on her lip , and cupping her hand she shook out the photo. She looked into Christian�s eyes and flung the little piece of paper into traffic. It flew on then landed on the ground, with several cars tumbling over it, forcing it to fly again, and soon it was nowhere in sight.

�If that�s how you want it,� he said his voice trembling. Looking at his face it was clear that his heart had been shattered into a million pieces. He swallowed his sadness before it could come out then turned to walk away.

Hallie got in the car and cranked up the heater, just now realizing how cold she was. She opened the locket and looked inside.

There he was with his adorable haircut from eighth grade, still taking up space inside of her heart. Then she looked over at the empty space where she had just thrown her own photo instead of his. It�s funny how a man can take up so much room in a woman�s heart that she would rather lose herself than lose him.

Author's Note

Written at weird hours and not edited at all haha.

Reviews

[Catastrophe]

ooo yeah girl, i have to say that this was just perfectly written. You had my attention the whole time...
so damn deep, and just so interesting; had me on the edge of my seat till the very last
line
"It's funny how a man can take up so much room in a woman's heart that she would rather lose herself than lose him"
beautifully said...

[MorganLyn]

oh man, I'm almost cryin! Why didn't she tell him it was her picture!?? Aww man now its all gonna be screwy! lol
awesome write though! Sorry for the neglect! I've been busy.

[Wolfwind Words]

I believe that you captured the essence of a man better in this chapter, then i have seen writen anywhere else. The raw emotions of your characters flowed out and captured my mind as I read; pulling me into their world as they lived this moment in their lives.

The plot line is wonderful.

There were a few pieces that seemed to jump and have gaps in explination of some things. that could just be my own view though.

Great Chapter!
Infinity's Shadow

[bluessadmood]

her friend never knows how women really think ,i will not say he is so smart specially in regard to women feeling,i never for once doubted that she would throw away his picture ,a woman in never predictable,and a woman in love ,is even more unpredictable,i liked the way this was written ,specially at the end ,i deeply enjoyed it especially the last lines,it was so nice,very good work,moayad

[thecoolone52]

yeah i liked the last line....... cause some girls go craaazy over guys............. very nice chapter..... i liked how she was walkin around in linergie...... nice touch....... good luck with the next chapters....... keep em coming

[ShadowWolf]

No editing needed! Once again another excellent chapter.