Trick or Treat ( new and improved)

I wrote this chapter previously but I've edited it a lot more, its less juvenile and the plot is a little different. Enjoy!

        Hallies silver Tiffanys bracelet jingled against her boyfriends wrist as she skipped along holding his hand. Halloween had to seriously be the best holiday of the year, although she thought that about every holiday whenever it approached. But Halloween was special, maybe because it was during her favorite season, or maybe because it was an excuse to eat a ton of candy and not feel guilty since everyone else was doing it. Maybe it was the fact that she was simply happy right now.
         I wanna do that one! Davids four year old little niece Chloe shrilly screamed pointing at a game where you toss a little ball into a goldfish bowl and then you get to keep the whichever unfortunate fish the ball lands on. How cruel. Go ahead, David gave her a little push forward smiling and handed some bills over to a nearly toothless man running the booth.
        David thought it would be a great idea to take his girlfriend Hallie and his little niece to the Halloween Carnival, and although it had been quite a drive he could see from the smiles on both his girls faces that it had been worth it. Plus her friends were planning to meet them there later. David and Hallie both lived in fast paced Los Angeles, and were used to an extremely comfortable lifestyle.
        David derived from generations of overachievers, and although he was twenty two he still lived in his spacious guest house next to his parents elaborate mansion in Beverley Hills, and did not plan on moving out anytime soon.
        Hallie had grown up in a similar manner as him, ridiculously wealthy. Her family also had a mansion in Beverly Hills not to mention three more across California and several other townhouses in and out of the country. But unlike him she preferred being on her own.

         Hey we better get this little guy home, he cant be too comfortable, David said holding up the bag to his eyes peering at the unfortunate creature.
Ohdo you want me to go with you? Hallie asked
No you stay here have fun. I think Chloes done for the day anyway and I know you want to hang out with your girls, David replied.

        Hallies girlfriends were coming to the Halloween carnival as well and she was planning to meet them. David would be the only guy and she could use a little girl time. Alright sure babe Ill call you when were all done, Hallie said squeezing his hand. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and took his impatient niece along.
        Once he left Hallie didnt want to meet up with her friends right away. Instead she allowed the autumn breeze to billow her knee length shirt-dress and continued her stroll. She was surrounded by festive blurs of orange and black, and couldnt help but smiling. God she loved Halloween, why was it only once a year? She would gladly trade twelve days of Christmas for twelve days of Halloween. As long as there were still presents involved.
        Even though her family owned an elaborate home in Sacramento, it wasnt a place she traveled to often. Hallie was more of a Beverley Hills type of girl, but there was something enchanting about the place. It seemed so unchanged and historical as opposed to the constantly transforming Los Angeles. It was definitely historical in her case. She had a deep rooted past here that was short-lived but still powerful and filled with heartache.
        As the sunset turned from orange to red she could feel herself remembering him. She closed her eyes and his image washed over her like a cold wave, he felt so incredibly close. Hallie was thinking of a boy, she hadnt seen or talked to in over five years, or at least hed been a boy back then, and she a very foolish little girl. Even though she thought of him daily he didnt even seem real to her, because he wasnt real anymore. She realized she was only a few miles away from where they tried to start a life together, now it seemed like someone elses life. Feeling like a sentimental idiot, she rejected the hypnotizing reverie of him and decided she would call up her friends so that she could put a stop to any memories that may sneak their way into her mind. Her enjoyment of the carnival turned into complete anxiety and she desperately wanted to meet up with her friends and get the hell out.
Before Hallie could dig in her purse to call her friends she spotted Kristins platinum blonde hair from a distance. She was in line for the fortune teller with her other two college friends Abby and Julia. Hallie clacked over the pavement in her ridiculously high Nanette Lepore heels in the direction of her friends. She was just a tad overdressed for being at a Halloween carnival, but with her friends it was a constant fashion show.
        The girls looked glamorous as usual, as if they just stepped off the runway. They all had a type of imaginary image to uphold, they didnt know if it was for boys, for the chance of a modeling scout walking by, or purely for the attention of others but they upheld it well.
        They all attended UC Santa Barbara together and their daddys each paid for luxurious off campus condominiums. They were all juniors except for Hallie who was still a sophomore, but they had adopted her into their little clique when she had joined their upscale sorority. They all shopped together, ate together, and did absolutely no studying together. Hallie had only met these girls a year ago but they were her type of chicks: rich, beautiful, and maybe a little stuck up? Oh well they were fun, and they understood the privileged lifestyle. A year ago she went to UCSB looking for a new start, and even though she wasnt sure if these girls were the most loyal of friends, they didnt know anything about her past and that was perfect.
        Kristin! Hallie called out effortlessly running in her hazardously high heels. Kristin swished her nearly white long hair over her shoulder to gaze at her friend from underneath her Mac Friction shadowed eyelids. Hey there she is! Kristin nudged Abbys shoulder. Finally!, Abby sighed. Hallie approached and received two kisses on each side of her cheek from each girl.
                Hey isnt David supposed to be with you?, Julia interrogated Hallie. Yeah but his little niece Chloe won a goldfish so they had to take it home.
        Aw how cute, Julia remarked sarcastically rolling her eyes. Hallie shook her head at Julia, she could be so juvenile. Dont mind her, shes just bloated, Abby retorted. They all started laughing except for Julia of course.
        So why are we in line to get ripped off? Hallie complained looking at the fortune teller booth.        Her heels really hurt and she wanted to get a drink. Because Abby doesnt want to leave until she gets her fortune read. Come on Hal it will be fun, Kristin said elbowing Hallie in her ribs.
Alright just as long as you all admit that this fortune telling stuff is a bunch of bull, Hallie remarked to her friends. Hey you never know, Julia said raising her perfectly plucked eyebrows. Despite the short line they werent used to waiting for anything and tapped their designer shoes impatiently till they got to the front.
We have to go in one at a time, Abby said. Hallie you are the youngest you go first, she decided shoving her friend forward. Before she could retaliate Hallie was already inside of the red velvet tent. This was going to be so cheesy Hallie thought, but at least shed get to sit down.
Hello, said a surprisingly striking thirty-something year old woman. She had long dark hair down to her waist and looked up at Hallie with large brown eyes. Hallie always imagined fortune tellers to be old and fat, this was different. The fortunetellers slender hands were placed over an array of odd looking things on the small table. Have a seat, she gestured at a stool across from her.
Hallie plopped down with a sigh. Ah it felt so good to finally sit. Still holding her purse Hallie reached in to find her wallet. So do I pay now or after? Hallie asked tiredly. You are willing to pay me even though I havent told your fortune yet? the fortune teller inquired slyly.
Oh a smart a*s huh, Hallie mumbled to herself. Fine, Hallie said putting her purse on the floor.
So what would you like to know about? Love, career, past lives maybe?

How about this life? I mean why would anyone care about their past life? Hallie asked.

You of all people should want to know. All of youre past lives pertain to this one. the psychic informed her.

Why dont you just tell me whatever those little rocks are telling you, Hallie said pointing at some colored stones the psychic had spread across the table.

No those arent necessary, there is so much to say without those.

Like what? Hallie scoot her chair closer
.
The psychic took several deep breaths before speaking. Im sorry, I am just overwhelmed by your existence.

Overwhelmed by my existence? Hallie repeated demanding an explanation at such a weird statement.

What you have is very rare. There is someone you are linked to, who you always end up with in each of your lives. He is almost non-human, wandering around as if he is wild, and you are the only one that can calm him. It is like you are both put on this Earth solely for each other, the psychic explained seeming more and more apprehensive as she spoke.

Oh you mean David? Yeah we make a pretty great couple, Hallie beamed.

No not David. I cant determine the name, but the man you are with now is insignificant to your life, the psychic said.

Hallie was appalled. I hate to tell you, but you are way off on your reading. David is very significant to my life.

Not for long dear. Once he comes back David will no longer be anything. Youre true one you are meant to be with is coming back to your life before the end of the month.

Yeah right. its Halloween. So by the end of tonight some random guy is going to magically make David look like a loser?, Hallie asked skeptically.

Hes not just a random guy, hes a part of you, whether you like it or not.

Hallie couldnt believe how much this woman was upsetting her. Wasnt getting your fortune read supposed to be fun? Instead she was left frustrated. Well my friends are waiting to get their fortunes read, Im done here. How much do I owe you?

Free of charge. Listen Hallie, I dont tell people what they want to hear like other psychics, I tell what I see. One more thing before you go, it wasnt your fault he left. He did it for youre protection, and his love for you is even stronger than before.

Hallie had enough of hearing such nonsense but refrained herself from being rude.

Well thanks for not charging me, Hallie picked up her purse and walked out of the little tent where her friends were waiting.

While all the other girls went inside to get theirs read Hallie thought about the ridiculous things the woman said. Ending up with someone before the night was over? The only person she was ending up with tonight, or any other night was David, even if she did get drunk out of her mind at tonights Halloween bash. Hallie was simply not the type of girl to be unfaithful.

After everyone finished, the girls walked along chattering about what the fortune teller said to each of them, but nothing sounded as weird as Hallies reading. Everyone, especially Hallie was eager to get out of there and start immaculately preparing for the celebrity filled, invitation only Halloween bash. Each of the girls had spent over $200 on their costumes, make up, and hair for this long awaited event. As they made their way over to Julias SUV they saw a guy sitting by himself on top of an old beat up car directly behind Julias Land Rover.

His head was down lighting a cigarette and his dark gold hair was hanging at the corner of his eyes covering his face. Before any of the girls could utter a word the guy brushed his hair out of the way and looked directly at the girls with piercing turquoise eyes. Each girl stopped dead in their tracks and their talking faded into pure silence.

        Despite the intensity of his unfriendly glare, his face was astonishing, easily enough to make four gorgeous girls freeze in place. He slightly parted his full lips and let the smoke escape little by little. His defiant stare began to turn into an expression of curiosity but he remained silent. The black canvas jacket he wore made his slightly pale skin stand out. Fierce red light illuminated his features from the sun that was now nearly set, and his face became framed in smoke.

        He hopped off the hood, opened the car door and started the engine up. Once he pulled out of the parking spot he raced away almost like he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

        These were the types of girls who received the stares and attention of every man in their presence. Nothing stopped a cute guy from hitting on them, not even a girlfriend, so the hasty flee of this particular one was shocking. Either way it was eye-candy to all four girls who each had very different tastes. Maybe going up to Sacramento for the day had been worth it after all.

        Once they all piled into the car they let loose. Did you see him? He looked better than an Abercrombie model Kristin exclaimed.

I wonder why he left like that, Julia said insulted he hadnt even whistled at them.

Hey wheres Hallie? Abby said realizing that she wasnt in the car. All the girls looked outside trying to see where she went.

There she is! Kriten pointed to Hallie who was already so far away walking back towards the carnival.

Okay what is she doing? We kind of have to go, I need to get ready, Julia said impatiently. Can somebody get out and go bring her back so we can leave?
        
Yeah Ill go get her, Abby said stepping out of the car and quickly pacing after her.

Hallie! Abby called, but her friend kept walking.

Hallie what are you doing?

It was no use, she kept going like she was on a mission. Abby saw her go back into the carnival and make her way to where the psychics tent was set up. Once Hallie approached it she cut past the line and disappeared inside.

Inside the psychic was using the tarot cards on a scrawny teenage girl with braces.

I need to know something right now,! Hallie demanded not caring that there was a customer.

We are in the middle of a reading! The woman exclaimed.

Just answer one question for me. The man you were talking about earlier, the non-human soul mate or whatever, what is his name?

I told you I didnt know, the psychic replied annoyed.

Walking over here I realized you knew my name and I didnt even tell it to you.

Well thats what I do, Im a psychic, the lady pointed at the tarot cards obviously annoyed .

I know that. And thats why Im asking you to try, because I think I just saw him.

Oh thats what this is about. Look like I told you before, his name is unclear to me. She closed her eyes thoughtfully as if she was racking her brain for information. All I can sense is that it has something to do with the sunset.

The sunset? Oh.my god, Hallies jaw dropped when she figured it out.

What? the little teenage customer who had become intrigued with the story demanded.

Christian West.

Well there you go. The sun sets in the west and you just said you saw him. the psychic replied.

Abbys head popped into the tent looking utterly confused. Uh Hallie? We have to go Julia is getting pissed.

Goodbye, Hallie said and walked out of the tent past Abby.

Take good care of her she is going to need it, the psychic said before Abby left.

Abby exited the tent more confused than ever. Hallie what is going on? Why didnt you get in the car with us? she asked her friend who had her back facing her.

Hallie turned around and Abby could clearly see she was on the verge of tears. Her knees were shaking non-stop and before Abby could say anything Hallie stumbled to the nearest bench practically falling on it.

Abby rushed to her side asking a million questions, if she was ok, what was wrong, what happened. Hallie could hear her friends voice from a distance, but was too busy staring at the spinning merry-go-round. Her eyes glazed over at the majestic horses, that seemed to contain all of her childlike hopes with a man who was once the love of her life. The thoughts continued to churn noisily inside her head as if they had been buried for years and were now clawing their way back inside of her.

Abby quickly took out her cell phone, flipped it open and called Julia to come park closer so Hallie could easily get in and they could go home.

Sweetie I think you are in shock or something, Abby said trying once more to get a response, but all that she got were a flood of tears.

Author's Note

The end is kind of abrupt i guess...i think i like it that way though. Please tell me if this is a strong enough first chapter, thank you.

Reviews

[FantasyGirl]

I like it so far. The only suggestion I have so far is in this line: "Hallie's girlfriends were coming to the Halloween carnival as well and she was planning to meet them. David would be the only guy and she could use a little girl time." Reason being: you've already expressed that her friends were coming to meet her in a little while. In this line it seems a litle redundant. :) Hope it helps!

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the story. Anything to do with fortune Teller keeps my attention. A excellent beginning. I will keep reading.
Coyote

[Daniel Thomas Andrew Da..]

I think a key factor, quite often, in what marks a succesful book from others which are not quite as such, is that within the first few chapters (or scenes if it is a movie) their is a plot device, which usually sets the scene for the main themes expressed in what is to follow. This work seems to have followed such a pattern. In this instance, the Fortune Teller's prophecy of Hallies 'Child of the Sun' works in a way which instantly grabs the readers attention, and one which is not soon to be forgotten as the story progresses.

The characters and the type of story that this appears to be seems to reflect something I have heard observed about the differing natures of certain English speaking societies, in particular the United Kingdom, Australia and the United States of America.

In soapies, and in the movie culture as well, of the United Kingdom, it is often the poor or the working class man which gets a great deal of the attention. Shows like 'Coronation Street', and 'Shameless', and 'Keeping up Appearances' with its mix of characters, as well as the more modern shows which show people in the 'harshness' of everyday existence, epitomize in many ways the culture of the United Kingdom. But this stems from the 'Class' system which has long been part of that nation, still in many ways alive and well today.

By contrast, Australia is more of the middle class or every day man in its focus in its Culture. Shows like 'Neighbours' and 'Home and Away' and much of the other dramas reflect an audience and culture which is extremely egalitarian in its nature. It is a nation wanting success for all its individuals, but not too much success, so as to prevent exhorbitant egos and removes these through cutting down its 'Tall Poppies'

Yet when we come to the USA, and especially in what often epitomizes the US Culture and American Dream, especially in the very city were that great Dream has its hopes and aspirations placed upon, Los Angeles, we have a culture that desires and wants the 'good life' with all its trappings, lavishness, and delicacies. As Madonna would sing, 'Do you think I'm satisfied.'

With that in mind, it is no great surprise that a writer who calls herself by the pseudonym of 'Evil Angel' has brought to life a tale filled with characters, and quite possibly plot ideas, which so very truely tell everyone that this is LA and these girls are following the American Dream.

Yet, while that is true, the humanity of the characters and the very real lives they live, with all their concerns for love and finding their true mate, are by no means missing from this dialgogue so far.

The characters are engaging and, from my perspective in Australia, bring to life the kind of personages
we would expect from the grand U S of A.

Hallie, having read a later part of this text, seems to be a very human and very real type of person - but can I honestly declare that in her humanity and her own personal decency she is a vicitim of her environment and culture - especially the LA culture - which has lead her to (to a degree) treat people more as objects on which her desires and dreams can be satisfied - rather than caring with the heart and soul which, perhaps as more carefully expressed in the heartland of America, that she should be doing.

I have never been to LA or even to the US, but I wonder if such characters as Hallie and her entourage are all too real reflections of the city of angels.

It is compelling reading so far, and I will review as I go. Keep up the very good work, and pay close attention to your grammar. I feel you are not far from being published, and if you do a short course or workshop on English Grammar I feel this would benefit you greatly. Well done. Daniel

[Simplicity]

Great piece. I liked it. Thanks for submitting it in "Halloween Tributes"!

[Daniel]

Nice imagery. I could see it all unfolding before me.

And I loved the suspense from the fortune teller. Good luck in my contest! =D

[Mintwhiskers]

i liked ur begining ch I have trouble starting a first ch i make things happen to fast but that was at the right pace with great description

[Maria C. Donado]

It's more than enough for the first chapter! I'm addicted to this thing!! Awesome write, awesome read! You're a great writer! I haven't read something as good as this in a long time! I love it! ten out of ten!

[bluessadmood]

now dear that was a great story,a good sequence of events,and great stepping up rythm,the build of the story is so nice and there is a constant sudden change of events,this is great writing,you are prepairing for major events with her other friend Christian,very good job

[MorganLyn]

yes... a great first chapter.. a shame I read it last though lol.. it leaves us wanting to know who this chritian guy is..
awesome job again!

[Mysteral - Night Prowle..]

This is excellent, I think it makes for a much stronger plot. This is exactly how I thought it would go when you mentioned the clairvoyant in the earlier version. Calling Hallie by name, and she not realizing was a nice touch. When I first read it, I wasn't sure if you had slipped up, forgetting she hadn't given her name.

Giving Christian's name as something to do with a sunset--West--was good. That is exactly what happens, the psychic gets a feeling or an image, and tries to express that in terms he or she understands, in the hope it makes sense to the client. Many people don't see this, can't make the connection, and hence assume it is rubbish.

"The fortuneteller's slender hands were placed over an array of odd looking things on the small table." Perhaps you could describe some of them? for example, a ball of crystal glass on a black velvet cloth, a pack of cards (Tarot) with bizarre pictures, the stones you mention would have symbols etched into the surface, Rune stones... Hallie doesn't need to know what they are, but most readers will from your descriptions.

The psychic took several deep breaths before speaking. "I'm sorry, I am just overwhelmed by your existence." I would have said presence rather than existence.

Before Hallie could dig in her purse to call her friends she spotted Kristin's platinum blonde hair from a distance. She was in line for the fortune teller with her other two college friends Abby and Julia. Hallie clacked over the pavement in her ridiculously high Nanette Lepore heels in the direction of her friends. She was just a tad overdressed for being at a Halloween carnival, but with her friends it was a constant fashion show.
I don't think blond has an 'e' on the end; although not certain about US spelling. In this paragraph, you mention 'friends' three times, and quite a few more times in the chapter.

I don't think it ends too abruptly. leaves the reader wanting more, ready to turn to the next chapter.