Furlough

write please read and enjoy

By my own standards and principles

lofty morals, ideals, and values

I am a bad person

a complete and total failure

Hypocrisy, toxicity, vanity, petty desperation

abusive anger and aimless destruction, deprecation of identity

no respect or reverence for life, vile and small, harmful declarations

of my immature, pitiful, hatred for all

with a four cornered mouth, love, peace, chaos and selfish affairs

the distressful ever-present need to know someone cares!

Even if I have to preserve their love in memory, to preserve dead affection

it's all just a narcissistic circus serving the draining need for attention

deceptive perception tricks the attunement to socialization,

am I insane, a psychopath, no, I am defined by my frequency of anxiety, manic depression and total self-deconstructive complete desecration

self-serving lies, when I run into the rules I expect from others the rule no longer applies

convenience, laziness, manipulative extroverted energy spent to the extent of cruelty and exhaustion

it'd be easier to hide every shred of evidence I have a past as this more safely avoided b*****d

than to keep trying, one shred of humanity, to get in touch with the decency I know is within me

it's easy to blame all the problematic seasons of my nature on any event or individual

those excuses satisfy prescriptions and doctors, they pass off the edge of being awkward socially

but I know my malice

the limit of it stretches out slowly

While I extend two arms from my spirit to crush the evil down less into a capability

then into a capacity, make it less my reality and more a controlled crystalline statistical anomaly,

I know my heart chakra has been destroyed perfectly

though I have no disillusion of persecution or saviorship;

even this I can repair, with medication, meditation, time and poetry

a journey.