Better Not Greater

write please read and enjoy

I want to leave you on a better note, with kinder vibes and more hope in mind than what I last wrote

destitution is not inherent vulnerability, ingenuity thrives behind the lines of poverty 

good will can be chipped away by promises that turn predatory

you'll get out someday, pay dues by coping, thickened skin quick to kick holes in drywall fighting with your next of kin

being white trash, man, I was comfortable in pain before everything I owned was reduced to ash and swept into a can 

I was nothing before I let go of the idea that my materials were my value

and I was never happier with everything I have and nobody to share it with

than I was with a notebook and a pen and nobody who gave a s**t 

there's no doubt about my hypocrisy, humans, I love you and can't live without you

but step to my left brain and my introspective is anesthetic, I don't care and hate you 

trying retain a positive mentality while remaining true 

to this retrospection, filtered vision through brutality and cynical objectivity

how can I look at the world any different if I refuse to view myself with honesty?

Classism, like a caste system, stay in your place, predestined and determined from birth, endogamy

enforced in strange ways when it's not a native part of society, tilted thinking, you can buy a gun it's easy

catching heat is simpler than getting a degree, intoxications and temptations wait more readily than self-improving opportunity 

it is a wheel that takes a different form, oppressing a variety of races and religions, sexualities and incomes in communities

I don't know who I am to point a finger anymore when I have stood in an open door and let myself be crushed by anxiety

depression, insomnia, self-destructive tendencies that I wore like both sleeves, validation, sure, it feels like one bad dream ended and no one believes

if not for the entirety of the building that collapsed on my classless a*s, I don't think my own conscience would relent on finding me guilty to give me a pass, shut in and shut out so fast the doorframe was still standing when the force blew back wind in my face from the ferocity 

All I'm trying to say in my roundabout way is 

I carry names attached to emotional scars, but no grudges, no hatred

the roads I've gone down, the bridges I burn when I cross I have no need or desire to retread

I feel older for all the life I haven't lived, and sadly grateful to still be alive

meaning, purpose and balance find their own way whether or not we strive

if I could only give one thing to all people right now, speak one word, one tone 

in a way that it could be felt, understood, absorbed and known

I would not give you respect, which can lead to love, 

nor would I give you love; I would give you peace.