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write please read and

I take these sleeping pills, awake hanging from the ceiling by my feet like picture stills, this redrum, this darkroom, my bedroom, it's my free will, mentally ill, mentally I'll devour you cowards and oafishly fish for guts in this cesspool with your backbone, backwards thinking, I'm reversed through life, unnatural, confused and abused, subdued and unglued, if they can't drown an ocean alone, why the f**k do I always have this feeling sinking?

I'm a tantrum, a damn hand slammed on a dam like it was a wave's drum, a GI Joe Bum, hypocrite lite, a hoplite, tip of the genetic spear like bubblegum, wages of conscience break unevenly, I'm sin, the son, five family's and one sum, a giant fee, fi, fo fum, killing myself to stay alive is the only way I know how, life backwards, that's redrum

Shining, not kings, never royalty, they don't know the meaning of loyalty, sell their own mother, countersue and bet their babies for a king's ransom, love is a price tag that haggles down the value if the right accessory is handsome, god damn them, hand-me-downs, wearing another prince's crowns, being laughed at and lauded for dressing up like fancy clowns, these get-arounds, bury them, up to the neck in dirt mounds, up to here with the vocal chord strumming their tonally familiar sounds, they're ghosts and can watch in silence, because I put them after my life, at the bottom of a boot you wouldn't scrape dog s**t off of, housed like a jackknife

I hallucinated the full body apparition of someone that I always hated

a blurry figure before my eyes, I could feel him just over my shoulder

I'd been awake going on four nights, hearing noises, seeing strange sights

shadows that weren't cast from lights, the isolation of being in this place called home

and I was paranoid, probably high, dosed on sleeping pills, and wandering alone

I carried a loaded handgun into the hallway, cleared every room, checked the locks,

because I heard people through the walls, muffled like they were just out there

my own dog looking at me like I'm the one who needs to go outside,

I was scared half out of my mind, the other half already preoccupied

with crazy thoughts, I thought I saw myself, like a smear appearing through a rainy windshield, or a foggy mirror

and I couldn't feel anything real, a small jolt of alertness, forced to register as self-preservation, translation- fear

I was so numb, that it took days for the skin to break

and when it finally settled in, my muscles and my bones began to ache

I know how I felt about that hallucination, once I was rested, grounded, and awake

how I always feel, why it's always too late

it crept up on me that week I had to completely isolate,

and it was inside of five days, my mind playing tricks on myself, the one person I truly hate.