Bomb is Away

write please read and enjoy

How do you write like you’ve got a bomb strapped to your chest?

Any breath you take could be your last, this better be a will and testament 

these words have to be the ones that defy death, they better be your best 

they will outlive you, every moment they give you is a gift and this is a pen-ultimate test 

everything I say, every sentence is a commitment, to be knocked out 

I give everything to writing, two percent other elements 

and I might be lucky to get someone to shout 

That the words are too 

the paragraphs need to be

much, moved down a touch 

you are peeping toms, you see 

there’s poetry in motion and trains building a full head of steam before they leave the station

I’m a locomotive about to explode and my brakes are on, we can fight about 

what I write and how, the meaninglessness of life until the break of dawn 

you’re off the rails with the thoughts you only think I’m on 

I’d cut your house in half with a sharp word, watch those cards fall

apologize to your mother’s ghost for the collateral

family matters, I didn’t mean to kill them all 

Oh, what the hell

take this all back a spell

I said every key I hit unlocks another moment

this is my torment, I love it, it’s a test 

and I am consistent with giving an F; I keep hitting L 

for life, for freedom, and the pursuit of madness, call it enlightenment 

crumple up the paper, turn the page over, 

embrace choking, strangling entanglement, anarcho-consumerism and politics, order and silence are best friends, I like my music loud, box your ears and deliver me an anarchist, the end is nigh and near, summon all your mounted heads and sainted dead, the sacred stand over your banners where you fall from port to land and mouth back to hand, are you boys proud now, forced a topical message like a burn ointment, crammed into something I said like yes doctor, I’ll call back and [forget immediately to] make my next appointment 

Stress impacts the mind 

it’s like dropping a pebble onto jello 

shocking how predisposed to flaws we’re designed 

I’m a head chairman when it comes to being stuck in mine 

these gurus all come at the tree of life and how you’re living

with reflexive hindsights attached to their asks, 

breaking down every aspect, until gelatin, water, and cold is what they’re given 

they eat brains and swing axes 

they’re choppy already, trying to expose glitches, digging posts ditches  

profiteers off dread that knows there’s no new frontiers, making illusions out of tears and magic happen here, talents and loose morals, heartless deadbeats, that’s what a life hack is 

I never met another writer I didn’t root for, even secretly, 

with degrees that shield them from criticism, burn up arguments on proximities 

“This is my office. It’s a safe space and GET A LOAD OF THEEEEESE!”

I get it, you stormed the kingdom and took the keys

now you get to sit there in the same chair and talk to messy heads like me 

but I get to sit here, and I have the same chair, and I don’t owe a college money 

I get to be a mess and you get to deal with it, I can’t even befriend that out of somebody 

and we get to talk about my writing like it’s the most important thing I do 

but we skirt real issues because no one gets paid enough to handle what’s really true

and that’s why if time was a human being, I’d beat them like they owe me money and I’d collect double on behalf of you

and you’d condemn me for it, but I quit therapy and dreaming, locked it up and stored it 

long as it’s not me, like dying, I’m all the more for it 

I don’t have faith 

in you 

I see the similarities 

in you 

I’m not a man for family, I’ve got so little love left I can feel the ticking when a swell of emotion fills up in my chest, counting down like a held breath 

I couldn’t express the things that I actually feel with enough clarity to a reader with letters by post anymore

my audience is invisible and blind 

I spend so much of myself currently that I have nothing left to give to anyone or anything, my writing is energy and effort over time which amounts to real currency 

so, I guess I’m broke, white flags out, if I had any sense, I’d save two cents 

but I’m trying to make you feel this one last time, so let’s rewind 

it’s okay not to feel this way and this thing I need to say is really only for the blind

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How do I write like there’s a bomb strapped to my chest?

I spin a round in my finger-gun, hold it up to my head and make suicidal idle threats 

sitting paralyzed from the chest down and running out of breath 

public consumption is a game of character portrayal, I rolled poorly on the sheet, 

I’m a walking bad decision waiting to happen, and just when you convince me not to take action

I’ll desecrate your throne, passively worse, a lazy heel, sprawled out yawning, just kick up my feet

I can sleep just fine, but I’m never going to be a body at rest

I’m going to do something even if I can’t do my best

every day this bed becomes like Mount Olympus, the air gets thin and it’d be easier to stay down forever 

but I’m no god, I don’t belong, I play the odds, we’d never get along, I’m Promethean and seething again, I’ll steal your fire for all mankind so we can compose roasts and songs, light in your shadows, if I stayed silent for twenty four hours, for seven days, for seven weeks, it means I’m going to crack open Hades with a message not safe for the ill and the elderly or the weak next time I slip Zeus’ beak and you see me speak

There’s no excuse, no simulation, no destiny, no red string can be my noose you cannot magic-lasso me, there’s no institution, no holding cell that’s not in my own body and if I detonated it would be with my own bottled up relentless anguish, anger, hatred and messy mania, that’s chaotic energy, I’d rather these messages get bottled and sent out to sea, find your corpses missing from a field of plague-stricken horses, going coastal with a special delivery, drop my friends off in the dead of night, I know the perfect jetty, I want darkness, put curtains up, break the lightbulbs and nail plywood boards in the windows, put bars up, cut off the electricity, smash the breakers and the fuses, blindfold and cut you horizontally across both pupils if anybody refuses, a primordial void doesn’t even reflect this accurately, show some putrid, vile neglect, before the stars dotted the universe, before humanity, before a blackhole even knew what light was, I need this introspection to match the same inflection of my recent constant, nagging, pull in that direction, to match the gravitas, the gravitational pull towards the murderous, malevolent and sharper, more aware and present, side of my personality who values my own life to such an extent that it takes more active engagement from me than I ever get, I’m nothing short of exhausted, knowing I could be a glass great-sword with what meek average I have in intellect, it’s nothing short of invocation, evoking ire and resentment, to go further I have to devolve, to achieve the pinnacle of my words and see my art evolve, I can’t outrun the world, I can’t be happy, and I’m no revolution, but as the world revolves I revolt with no jolt from the state of always being plugged in, there’s mediocrity in settling, I’ve amassed such a depth of debt to the past it’s built up a toxic venom that I’ll never outlast, I’m just trying to cast a bastion to keep my lines cast in and while I’m staying paralytically still I still feel like I’m going so fast I’m strapped in, I just roll with the loss of control because I don’t fight the spiral, I know how this did happen, even though I’m going slow it’s no race; my life is over twice I’ve been lapped in, the change of pace is a joke to the deck with a few cards short, a full house to four aces, I’m a small hand away from a meltdown and a handful of crying faces, just keep changing gears and the cogs will lubricate, replace themselves and appreciate that being spared the machinations of a breaking down is mercy, if no one is close to me when this bomb strapped to me goes off, I hurt no one, and no one in turn hurts me, self-preservation and spared humiliation, that’s one way to eat yourself alive under fire in the situation, inside out, I spill my guts, no ifs ands or buts, nothing’s so dire, I write sometimes like I’m going to fight the monitor when I see it typed, and if the gate for the match is right I’ll believe I can deliver if I feel that hyped, I write like Atheists are right, like I write like God is spellchecking and Satan is rubbernecking, I write like the Grim Reaper is waiting for me to finish, I write like Big Brother has a special interest, I write like the page is endless, I write like I’ll be shot square in the brain and that’ll plain and simply end all surrounding suffering and pain, I write like my words mean everything and nothing, like I can change the world, I write like it’s the first time I held a hundred dollars in cash, I write with my knuckles white while my teeth grind and gnash, and I write like a thousand people are invested, it’s all the same to me if even one person is really interested.