Am I Ready

write please read and enjoy

There's a weight that releases my breath when I awake

an indentation, leaving a chest compression, 

not too old, but my body is weak and I ache

to get out of bed is a mountain to climb, 

and getting to sleep is the air growing thin 

I can't afford to asphyxiate on someone else's dime

I'm living the slow burn of knowing where to begin

it's depression, waning and whining as it runs out of time

There's nothing for as far as I can see, which is a relief 

every one foot in front of me, is one bad thing I've done before

put behind, as long as I can stay true to myself, I claim the belief

proudly, that evil won't make you happy, and I don't need a guide anymore

I can face this all, all alone, I'm not afraid to fall and never rise

I don't need an alliance built on reliance, I'll tell myself my own medicating lies

when I need that crutch, and I lean too much, I'll hold on tight to a mirror and look myself in the eyes

reminders of the pain and loss, the damage and the malevolent intentions 

that I tore apart my heart by a well oiled machine of abuse, an ouroboros of my own invention

all my mistakes and suffering are acts of self-harm by my own machinations

I have been as sick as it gets, both sadist by proxy and masochist

the cure is resilience and dignity, respect and pride; so to myself I raise my fist

 

I will subtract infinitum 

look at me, I don't need them 

I will defeat the tendencies and alluring notions

that call to me, echoing papers filing motions

override the system, go and self-destruct 

go and hurt and know

everyone you love would be better if you gave up

they all tell you no

while you contort into a loveless malcontent

under the hammer of a conscience, trained never to relent

breaking every part of your character down to a simple formula, your dark mischiefs all represent

Evil makes you Happy

and you lay in a ball on the floor

Evil may make me happy, but it leaves me empty every time

I want to be a good person, but I commit social taboos and crimes

I am weak and depressed, an anxious egocentric insomniac

all my ideals are fantasies 

evil may make you happy, intoxicating as escapism from reality

it grips your organs like cancer and leaves you hollow on your knees

with a reputation for begging to be let in once more, you cry please

your pain might be real, but they see alligator tears 

and when you hit the bottom, the bottom even falls out

you must face a world of shadows by yourself, the greatest of your fears

With nobody but the memories

I could see my entire life with clarity

and the answer was plain, I'll take away the pain

all I did was act again in vain, 

the future looming, I sought redemption

but there is no reformation, 

I am seen as I have always been, no goodbyes

only attempts at temptation

I survived a black star day 

and only so much later I face myself with only this to say

"Tom you have to take another step away

keep doing well, even when life is hell, 

toe the line, progress one toe at a time, 

are you ready?"