Blame

We were stuck in this endless cycle 
That was ripping us both apart 
My eyes were always filled with tears 
And you were breaking your own heart 
We would fight and come right back 
Like we were addicted to the pain 
But we would forget the hurt, the tears, the ache 
So we could go dancing in the rain 
But after a while you had enough 
You were done with me and the hurt 
I understood but it broke my heart 
It broke me when you left me in the dirt 
I still see you every time I turn around 
And I can’t help bit wish things were still the same 
But I knew it’s wrong for me to pray 
Because in the end. I am the one to blame 

Reviews

[Robert Trakofler]

oh I wasn't ready for that... I was thinking the ole you b*****d poem filled with angst and insult by the title. This is all sincerity and truth and so beautiful a sentiment. I jumped right in and felt your pain and recognized my blame in past transgressions and dropped a tear in its unfolding. Heavy sigh and bunny embrace to you in a most familiar feeling. A very well written rhythm and rhyme piece of poetry here. Thank you for your sharing

[wordman]

i bet there's a lot of ppl that can relate to this touching write

[emipoemi]

This is wonderful in essence. The theme, the message, the killer of a kicker!! The imagery! Where it falls flat is in musicality and a couple of places where words shouldn't be repeated. Examples: "But we would forget the hurt, the tears, the pain" (too many syllables here. Take out either "hurt", "pain", or "tears"); "You were done with me and the hurt" (the repetition of "hurt" here is awkward, for it's more powerful in the earlier line, but the line itself is also awkward in flow, which makes the "dirt" line equally awkward). Play with it a little more. This has great potential.....but it's not yet a gem.

[Najam Us Saher]

You express your feelings really well. Great one.

[Evelynn]

Thank you!

[Najam Us Saher]

You're welcome.

[Derekv]

Excellent piece, Evelynn. It's always a risk to open your heart to someone, and love can be quite a painful journey. I loved the poignant imagery you created in each line, very well done.

-Derekv

[Evelynn]

Thank you!

[PandaPeaceful]

I absolutely loved your piece. The way one imagines each scene with such great emotion is powerful. Though I've never been in love, I felt the emotions enveloped with each word. I adored it.

[Evelynn]

Thank you so much!

[PandaPeaceful]

Of course!

[Coyote Poetry]

I don't know dear Evelynn. Most of us hold on, after the fire had gone.
"But I knew it’s wrong for me to pray
Because in the end. I am the one to blame "
Take two to tango and two to accept goodbye. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Evelynn]

Thank you for reading!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Evelynn.

[Pete]

a difficult thing to admit and takes a big person. true love is fragile and vulnerable. this reads really well and captures it perfectly. nice job ... :)

[Evelynn]

Thank you so much!

[JayG]

One problem is that while you have intent for the events in the relationship that resulted in the poem, the reader doesn’t. All they know is that things sucked, and in the final stanza, L2, you have the protagonist wishing things were the same, which makes no sense. Yes, they will understand that you really mean before things turned sour, but while that’s what you mean that’s not what you said.

One of the problems with a declarative poem, like this one, is that it tends not to involve the reader, because it’s someone we don’t know, whimpering about someone not introduced, for reasons not mentioned. Meaningful for you, but less likely to involve the reader than had you made it personal for them.

You are, though, one of few I see here who pay attention to the needs of prosody in a structured poem. A few things hit me, that you might want to look at, though. Here and there you lose track of the number of feet per line, and you’re inconsistent, between stanzas, in the iambic or trochaic opening of a given line.

And, of course, unless you forgot to include them, stanza breaks were lost in posting. I’ve broken stressed/unstressed down, below. You may disagree with the way I’ve done it, but this is how it hit me as I read, and in poetry, first impressions are especially important. Were my choices different than from other readers? Possibly, so I’m showing it only for what it may be worth to you.
- - - - -
WE were STUCK in this ENDless CYcle ( 4 feet, trochaic, female ending)
THAT was RIPPing us BOTH aPART ( 4 feet, trochaic, male ending)
My EYES were ALways FILLED with TEARS (4 feet, iambic, male ending)
And YOU were BREAKing YOUR own HEART (4 feet, iambic, male ending. You could parse the line ending as “BREAKing your OWN heart” It reads more naturally, But that drops the line to only three feet, which feels unfinished. Kind of a, “Damned if you do…damned if you don’t,” situation, I think.)

WE would FIGHT and COME right BACK ( 4 feet, trochaic, male ending)
Like WE were aDDICTed TO the PAIN (4 feet, iambic, male ending)
But WE would forGET the HURT, the TEARS, the ACHE (5 feet iambic, male ending)
So WE could go DANCing in the RAIN (3 feet, iambic, male ending. I alo get the feeling that this is a bit forced, because who look forward to dancing in the rain?)

But AFTER a WHILE you HAD eNOUGH (4 feet, iambic, male ending)
YOU were DONE with ME and the HURT ( 4 feet, trochaic, male ending)
I UNDerSTOOD but it BROKE my HEART (4 feet, iambic, male ending)
It BROKE me WHEN you LEFT me IN the DIRT (5 feet, iambic, male ending, and kind of limps a bit)

I STILL see YOU every TIME I TURN aROUND (5 feet, iambic, male ending. But change "every time" to "when" and it works)
And I can’t HELP bit (?) wish THINGS were STILL the SAME (5 feet, iambic, male ending)
But I KNOW it’s WRONG for ME to PRAY (4 feet, trochaic, male ending…but: on first viewing, the reader will expect to stress the opening as they did for other stanzas/lines, as either trochaic or iambic, and stress either “but,” which gives the line five feet, or “I” which doesn’t work)
BeCAUSE in the END. I AM the ONE to BLAME (5 feet, iambic, male ending…UNLESS: you might change “I am” to “I’m,” to combine with “the” as unstressed, for four feet)
- - - - -
While I had a lot to say, this impressed me with your attention to detail. The rhymes weren’t forced as they so often are in what’s posted, and felt natural as the proper word to complete the thought. In other words: Well done…keep it up.

Hang in there, and keep on writing. It never gets easier, but after a while, we do become confused on a higher level…which is, in the end, pretty good.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Evelynn]

Thank you! And I will keep your advice in mind. Although I have to admit, I don't know what you mean by male and female endings. Sorry, my class hasn't covered that, and I highly doubt we will because we usually don't delve deep into poetry. If it's not too much trouble for you could you possibly help me understand the critiques you left in the parentheses.

[JayG]

A female ending is a line that ends with a non-stressed syllable.

I'm not certain of what you mean by comments in the parentheses.

In them I listed the number of feet, or beats, or stressed syllables in that line. With the first stanza you establish a pattern, akin to the chorus of a song, and as in a song, the reader expects the pattern to be maintained.
So if, in A1 you have four feet to each line, the reader expects that to continue.

A really good example of how that can work for you is The Cremation of Sam McGee, by Robert W. Service. Notice how that repetitive beet gets you almost stomping your feet in time with it, and adds to the excitement of the story being told.

You'll like the ending. It's been bringing cheers at campfires for over 100 years, and still does so.
https://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html

And when you've read the poem, go on the the following poem to read the analysis. I think you'll find it interesting.

[Evelynn]

Okay, thank you so much! I will definitely read that poem and the analysis!

[Accalia]

Once you have fallen of love, then you'll know the real meaning of pain. Love is a magical as well as amazing thing, but if you lose a loved one it's painful. You expressed that pain of letting go of the person you loved, Thank you for sharing such a wonderful heartfelt poem.

[Evelynn]

Thank you for reading my poem!