Ocean Floor

I fall to my feet

The waves crash onto me

The ocean claims me as its own

I feel myself sinking

I try to reach out

But I'm all alone

I want nothing more

Than to reach the surface

But I'm stuck on the ocean floor

The water fills my lungs

And the light fades

And the darkness takes another part of me

 

Reviews

[H L Rose]

The first line is intriguing and I like the alliteration.
I think the ending,
“And the darkness takes another part of me”
is a fantastic way to leave your reader with something to think about.

I’ll try to see if I can be helpful with any constructive criticism.
While I think the metaphor of the waves and ocean is provoking, it can be a bit cliché. Maybe branching out to describe such feelings in different, not often explored ways, or trying to describe metaphors like these in a stranger(for lack of a better word) way, could portray your thoughts in an even more provoking way.

I like the way you write. It is easy to follow along with, yet evokes a lot of meaning.
I really enjoyed the read!

[Evelynn]

Okay, thank you so much

[H L Rose]

Of course!

[Robert Trakofler]

such a strong feeling of desperation depicted as i read the last line I felt a sense of choking and then a bit sad dear Evelyn:(

[dead letter office]

like drowning in a world of darkness where monsters search for prey

[Evelynn]

Yes, very much so

[AriesGirl]

What a gorgeous poem. I know the feeling of "darkness as nearly all-consuming" that is described here (all too well). I also can relate to the description of that helpless feeling when you are trying to overcome those crashing waves. Thank you for providing all of us here with the opportunity to read something so beautifully written and easy to relate to.

[Evelynn]

Thank you for reading

[Phill Oz O'fee]

We can sometimes drown in our social environment if we let it overwhelm us! Your poetic wordplay reminded me of this and the need to guard against outside influences harming us! Poignant write my friend (note: last stanza - should that read 'part' of me not 'park'?) … :-)

[Evelynn]

Thank you! And yes, it is supposed to say part, thank you for catching that.

[Christy the Poetic Hear..]

Nice piece of writing!! You describe the scene and the feeling of drowning very well!! Thanks for entering my contest.

[Evelynn]

Thank you!

[Coyote Poetry]

Drowning would be a terrible death. I liked how you describe the need to escape and how the darkness won. Thank you Evelynn for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Evelynn]

Thank you for reading!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Evelynn.

[Recherche]

melikes- very descriptive indeed- puts the reader into the mind of the poet/writer!

recherche

[Evelynn]

Thank you so much!

[Najam Us Saher]

Wow. Very relatable, I can feel myself along with you floating on a cold ocean floor.

[Evelynn]

Thank you!

[Najam Us Saher]

You're welcome.