Holy kwap! Not only is this fantastic, I hear you! I feel you! I relate to this wholeheartedly! Story of my life! Wow! Powerful and profound.
If you'd excuse mind my nitpicking (I can't resist when I see something that could be better, and these suggestions are legit):
-The musicality flows beautifully with the narrative, except in lines 3 and 4 of the second quatrain which in Line 3 "to" and "not" should be "not to" (because the down beat sounds better on "not" than on "to"), while in Line 4, though "put on a display" is ok, and the line still reads well, saying "put on display" is also grammatically correct, and it also helps the musicality a little. The musicality is especially wonky in Line 2 of the las quatrain. Too many words are trying to be recited in a short amount of time. To help the musicality and still say what you want to say, might I suggest something like this: "They break me down, then say 'aim for the sky'.
- "put to don't move my feet"?? I think you're meaning to say simply "not" and not "don't", correct?
This is otherwise marvellous. You prove to have a gift for the written word. Don't stop what you're doing (only be careful as you're doing it). Well done!
Posted 6 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
6 Years Ago
Thank you, and I tend to just write in the moment and not edit until after I post so most of my writ.. read moreThank you, and I tend to just write in the moment and not edit until after I post so most of my writings have a lot of grammatical errors, but I am working on that, well I'm trying to work on that.
This is the best poem I’ve read all week & I read many every day. This is an amazing creation. Your statements are so simply stated, but the premise of each is powerful to the point of being painfully true. The way your selections start out minor & then gradually grow, line by line, in the level of outrageousness revealed, yet all the while your delivery stays matter-of-fact & understated. This is truly deceiving in how it seems like a simple poem, but there are layers & layers of s**t here that anyone will be reeling from, after reading this. This is the kind of poem we all wish we could think of. This is a product of your mind more than your writing. The way you THINK is amazing, as much as your poetry (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie
This is the second poem that you've written that I've read so far, and I must say you are one of my favorite writers/poets I have come across recently. I don't write in exactly the same tone/style as you but I really relate to your themes and your somewhat raw approach to poetry. I also understand and relate to all the emotion and conflicts present in this piece. I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing!
Hmm- they never know what they want- controllingbwanting everything but needing nothing- fantastic write- the uncertanty of mankind- making money a God , controlling fellow acquaintances as if puppets🌹