It is better to be hurt knowing the truth than to feel comfort in lies. One should not live pretending something that they are not. But in your case, I totally understand your situation. You want to feel that concern from the person so that you remember something good that consoles you when he leaves. Very heart touching poem. Don't lose hope.
I guess what makes us poets unique is to express things that people feel but cannot always expressed for themselves. Therefore I respect your creativity and freedom of expression within the concept depicted.
But, as a reader, almost like a spectator, I would kindly say that love must be true, genuine, honest, sincere, patient, forgiving, reciprocal...
but never based on pretence.
Somebody loves you or they don't. From the moment somebody has to pretend to care, then you know such relationship is built on sand, for the waves of truth and love came and such relationship crumbled, hurting somebody on the path.
Conversely, a relationship that'll stay stable, fun, adventurous, reciprocal... will be like that house built on rocks reinforced with steel and iron; for the waves of lies, jealousy, deceit, cheating came and had no effect, none whatsoever-- for such relationship has a strong foundation.
Oh dear I have been here, so sweetly sad said! But as i have learned over the years some times that leftover bit of sandwich isn't all that great tasting anyway! :)
good write. betrayal hurts like few other things, remembering the good things in life and thankfulness this relationship time was cut short may be a blessing.
This is a well-crafted message of futility using strong rhyme & rhythm. The hopelessness is palpable & the inevitability weighs a ton. Even tho your language is simple & straightforward, you pack an intense punch. I remember the last time (in my 30’s & I’m 61 now) I thought “one more night” would be a good thing, but it never is! After that experience, I learned to close the door firmly and step away from that urge (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie
I think perhaps in many situations the other half is still hesitant to take the leap for whatever unknown reasons. Thoughts like what you’ve expressed here can make a difference sometimes. Getting the issues out in the open is a good thing.
ooh great job with the rhyming!! usually when people try to rhyme (me included!) it sounds forced... but you did a really good job fitting the end words in naturally :)