Everything is not okay

A Story by EvermoreNight

"Did you know when you're drowning, you don't actually inhale until right before you black out. It's called voluntary apnea" -Stiles, Teen Wolf 2x11

The feeling of perpetual drowning, of not crying out for help until its to late. The feeling of being in a suspended state where you watch everything happen around you while you are incapable of moving. It's when you feel like the very air is trying to strangle you, and you struggle to let the words "Help me" escape your mouth. Worthless, useless, nothing, self-destructive, a burden, broken, liar, failure, and a disappointment are the words that you'd use to describe yourself as you sit in front of the mirror feeling ashamed of the person you see reflected back at you. When someone catches a glimpse of what is behind the fake smile, or maybe they had noticed the dead look in your eyes they'll ask, "How are you?" You think to yourself for a moment that maybe you can tell them, maybe they will understand, but the voice in the back of your head tells you they won't. You put the fake smile back on and respond with, "I'm fine" or "I'm just tired" and a little part of you hopes that maybe, just maybe, they will see past your lies and tell you to be honest with them. But of course they don't, why would they? At times you feel nothing at all just empty, you wish you could bring yourself to feel something or even to care; but you admit to yourself that if you were standing in the middle of the street with a car coming towards you and you had the choice to move, you wouldn't. It is what drives you to that moment. The moment where you are sitting on the bathroom floor, finally able to let the tears you've held in for so long out. You watch as the blood rolls down your arm and drips onto the the floor. For now you feel okay again, because all of that pent up frustration, anger, self-hatred, pain, and guilt is gone and you can feel a sweet bliss come over you. It's here that you can admit to yourself that everything is not okay and that you are not going to be okay. You know in the back of your mind that it is not alright that you have to tear yourself open on the outside just to feel alive again... to feel human. Although, for now as you sit on that bathroom floor all you feel is the sweet bliss of paradise.