And Still

My soul speaking through my brain and out of my mouth.

And Still

I need so desperately to write this all down, but don't know what to say. It's like a waterfall of my soul everytime I try to empty my heart on this page. How can it be this hard, this painful, still. It's been over a year now, missing you. Of course that's one reality. The other is it has never ended. Every day, remaining still and every bit the monster in my head. If this is what crazy feels like... I want off the ride, this roller coaster. I just want it to stop.
So far beyond wanting lays needing. I needed you, like water, like rain. You did that to me. You twisted me all up and stole my fantasy. Now I'm stuck... what an understatement. I need it to stop. I need you to undo every stitch of my heart that we sewed together. Every trace of this lie, this unending ache that remains my truth.
I wanna punch you in the face, hard. And I want to pretend that me saying that and feeling that means I don't love you.
Does it ever stop? The waking up each day knowing I dreamed of you again, the seeing you in the faces of strangers or the ache, the slow roasting ache of knowing you were never going to stay from the start.
My soul feels desperate and full as one. It holds every bit of love I could ever feel for another and knows sorrow beyond measure for our absence. You see it was every single piece of me, us. I feel I'm at the part in the story where one realizes... It was. It was everything and nothing else and it is only to live left written on my soul for eternity. Sad really, in an amazing and glorious way.
Ugh... Maybe tomorrow... yes tomorrow, I will write this all down.