How McDonalds Saved the World

A Story by Kai Kelly

from aliens. Just to make that clear.

I've always been the type of person who prefers the simple solution. Whether or not it results in the ideal outcome isn't my top priority. Admittedly I'm just far too lazy to work out any kind of complicated method to solve a problem.
So on the day a hostile race of extraterrestrials descended upon our planet I could do little more than sigh in annoyance about how complicated life was going to become. I figured any of us who survived would be enslaved and have to work day in and day out building some kind of spaceship or statue of our new leader, or something tedious like that, and all I could think about was how much I was going to miss my Adventure Time marathons.

For three days the aliens had been on earth with no offers of peace. They had simply arrived in their dingy old mothership for the purpose of slaughtering countless numbers of people in an attempt to eliminate all human kind.
Why?
I dunno.
As far as I could tell (though I'm hardly an expert on the subject) they just really enjoyed killing, or war, or something. It didn't appear they had any interest in studying us. There were no abductions reported, though my neighbour, Jimmy, is quite certain that these were the very same extraterrestrials who had probed him the week before.
Of course no one believed him, but we listened to his story of the cold, coiled-snake like device that they shoved up his a*s. He always gets so excited when he tells it and it's made me wonder if perhaps he has simply discovered some new way to get off and wants to talk publicly about it without alerting anyone of his strange sexual fantasies. He figures if we think it was an alien abduction we'll listen, but if we know it's what he does in the privacy of his own home we'll cry "you disgusting piece of s**t!" and alienate him from society.
I could be wrong. Now that I'm witnessing alien lifeforms for myself it's entirely plausible that Jimmy was not lying. Either way, it's obvious he found it to be quite the enjoyable experience, and who's to say it wasn't?

War mongers, kinky sexual beings, or whatever they were wasn't about to stop me from living my day to day life however. If I was to soon be a slave than I was at least going to live the rest of my life like a queen.
Against the warnings blasting on the television about the safety measures to be taken during this invasion (barricade yourself indoors, arm yourselves with the biggest gun you could find, pray to whatever God/s you worshiped…) I decided to relieve my cabin fever and dared to quest outside. I was hungry, and far too lazy to cook anything myself. The screams of agony and terror and the tremors from distant explosions were doing little to quell the growling of my angry belly so I decided to take a short trip to the McDonald's just down the street. Knowing the importance society places in convenience I was positive it would still be open despite the apocalyptic-like terror threatening our very existence.
Can you imagine the people's anger if their precious McDick's was closed for a day? It would be treated as a greater global catastrophe than an alien invasion. Honestly.

Typically, it would be my luck to run into an alien not ten seconds before reaching my car door…
He was an ugly looking brute. Six feet tall at least with an oversized head, a pitifully scrawny torso and skinny little arms and legs. If it weren't for those long, crooked-jagged fangs he snarled at me with, or that vaporizing laser he pointed at my head he would have seemed to be no threat at all.
I had seen on the news that those guns simply turned the receiver of the blast into dust. Now, as inviting as being particles floating around in the wind might be to some I really didn't feel much like being dust-i-fied so I held up my hands and made the stranger an offer.
"Hey man, you guys have been shooting at us for three days straight. I bet you could use a break, even better, I bet you could use a big filling meal. Tell you what. I'll treat you to dinner and if it's not the most delicious thing you've ever tasted than you can go ahead and vaporize me."
The Alien's yellow eyes narrowed as he glared at me, and he made a clicking noise with his tongue that I can only assume meant "ok."
We slipped into the car and after a quick lecture about seatbelt safety (I was not getting ticketed again this week!) we were off.

If you've never driven in the car with a six foot hostile creature before I'll tell you that it's kind of like going on a road trip with that quiet kid at school who you know is going to grow up to be a serial killer. There's an awkward silence the entire time you're in each others' presence. You try really hard not to make eye contact and you always have this feeling in your gut that you're going to get stabbed before you reach your destination.
Fortunately I suffered no wounds during that short drive down the road.

The line for the drive through was much to long so I pulled the car into the parking lot and scrambled to get out the door. It wasn't so much the alien's presence that bothered me but being in such an enclosed space with something that smells like sewage water, with a strange hint of lavender, can make you desperate for some outdoor air - even if it's polluted with the stench of greasy cow meat (or could that have been the scent of vaporized bodies scattered through the wind?).
Well, it turned out that skipping the drive through was the better option anyway. The line inside the restaurant vanished as I entered with my scaly skinned new companion and aside from the morbidly obese woman who refused to leave until she finished her super sized fries there was no one left seated in the booths. Our meal even ended up being free.
Geez, maybe I should befriend hostile lifeforms more often…

We collected out trays of food and sat down at the only clean booth next to the window. I had an order of nuggets, my alien buddy a Big Mac.
Eagerly, like a chef waiting for a reaction of the taste of his newest recipe, I watched as E.T cautiously took his first bite.
Slowly he chewed, savouring the artificially manufactured juices made up of cows that were pumped full of chemicals and lots, and lots of salt, his eyes wide with delight. Satisfied he swallowed, licked his lips, then continued to scarf down the rest of his meal as I began to indulge in my own.
My life was spared -and- I had a full belly. Imagine that.
But as the alien ordered more food I got to thinking;
The military was failing in their attempts to control the intruders, our weapons were far too miniscule in comparison to be any sort of threat. They had a 200 ton mothership equipped with all kinds of fancy guns and nukes, we had 30 ton tanks.
My eyes traveled to the fat woman as she struggled to pull her over sized a*s out of the booth, then slid back to the alien as he took to greedily inhaling his second helping, and I got an idea.
"You should save some of that food for your friends to try." I said. "I'm sure they would love it! And the food supply here is practically endless. Not to mention McDonalds has like 6 locations in this town alone."
He scratched his chin, clicked his tongue, then stuffed the remainder of his fries back in his back. He must have thought my idea was a great one because his lips pulled back into what I think was supposed to be a smile.

I gave the stranger a lift back to his mothership and stayed only long enough to watch as he offered the salt-drenched food to his people as a sample of what deliciousness he had uncovered. I waved before leaving, he did the same, and as I drove away I felt a little guilty for what I had just done.
I kind of liked that stinky alien.

It took a few weeks but reports soon began flooding the television of the hostiles growing fatter and lazier with every passing day. Our populations' obesity troubles were spreading to them and as their bellies swelled like their fast food addiction they were becoming easier for our military forces to storm and destroy.
What aliens did not die from military raids soon succumbed to the diseases linked with the chemicals pumped into the meat they were digesting. The earth was saved, all thanks to the addicting and body-destroying power of Fast Food.

I'm not sure if this is a lesson in healthy eating or just simple irony that the processed foods that are killing so many people just saved our lives. Whatever the case may be we can be forever thankful of McDonalds and its powers of morbid obesity and poisonous ingredients.