Rust

One of the first poems I wrote. Still a favorite, to this day.

It was as though my savior fell --
the very light that promised hell
now flourished with a taste 
I've yet to rid. 
I'd sit and wait, 
for seasons straight, 
enveloped in that awful taste,
but time was on a budget;
I, incapable to move.
Through dreams aloft, she mumbled soft --
a voice I'd heard but since forgot.
She told me of tomorrow;
of a day that never came.
I'd sit and wait, 
for seasons straight, 
with hopes held high and time to waste,
but time was on a budget;
I, with nothing left to lose.

Author's Note

Still unsure how exactly I want the punctuation to be.

Reviews

[LouisianaBird]

I really enjoyed this, and see poetential in it. In the line, "Though dreams aloft, she mumbled soft", I would recommend to replace either aloft or soft. Due to a slighty scattered rhyme scheme, it throws off the readers tounge. But definitely not a write to throw away! Keep at it, always.

[Ethan Lewis]

I'm unsure what you mean.

The latter half of this poem is meant to replicate that of the first:

It was as though my savior fell --
the very light that promised hell

and

Through dreams aloft, she mumbled soft --
a voice I'd heard but since forgot.

both have 8 syllables in each line. Then, the latter half has more syllables, to show the narrators' exasperation with waiting. Then, the 2nd and 4th quatrain each have identical syllables in their lines, rounding to a familiar conclusion.

For some reason this is the piece that many seem to have taken to, yet it's far from my best. However, thank you for your kind words, regardless. But, could you care to elaborate? I'm curious!

[LouisianaBird]

Well, the only way that I can explain it is when I read it out loud it sounded a bit odd.

[Ethan Lewis]

Fair! I fear that's due to my punctuation. When I read it in my head, everything flows perfectly. However, it's hard to recapture flow you hear in your head without the perfect punctuation.

Regardless, thank you so much for taking the time to leave an honest feedback! If you're interested in reading any of my other work, Drowning is my personal favorite. It's free verse, but has a touch of rhyme.

Thank you, truly.
-Ethan

[LawrenceRaybon]

I'll put in the time to do a full review soon, but since this is something I was going to touch on so I wanted to weigh in with my opinion.

As you said,

It was as though my savior fell --
the very light that promised hell

and

Through dreams aloft, she mumbled soft --
a voice I'd heard but since forgot.

Are meant to mirror each other somewhat, but in the first you rhyme ‘fell’ and ‘hell’ and then in the second you drop the rhyme. On top of that 'soft' and 'forgot' are an awkward almost rhyme because of the 't' at the end. Rhyming aloft and soft, but then not having a rhyme at the end of the two lines where it’s expected disrupts the flow, especially in a poem with such a deliberate structure.
At least that’s why the mentioned line bothered me…
I hope this helps!
Cheers,
Lawrence

[Glen Yumang Manese]

but time was on a budget;
I, incapable to move.
---
but time was on a budget;
I, with nothing left to lose.

I liked the repetitive nature of your usage there in the lines....
Yet the verse presents itself...quite in the entirety of the read...
plus you add the rhyme scheme and does not hinder the flow...
I would use the scientific name of Rust: Fe3O2 --- give the reader interest...

[Ethan Lewis]

Thank you for your kind words. They're greatly appreciated!

[Glen Yumang Manese]

you're welcome...