A Quick Look At Mei

Being old wasn’t the easiest for Mei.  She was a 93 year old woman with a handful of gruesome memories etched into her brain.  Although she only was 93, she felt like she was 130. She felt restricted, like something was holding her back, and she didn’t like it. As she was languidly traveling down a long gravel road, she exhaled a sigh of grief. The wind blew at the gray and crinkled hair around her face. The skin around her eyes and mouth sagged as her sunken eyes released a tear. When she approached her trailer home, she faked a smile to her grandniece, Tama, who greeted her at the door. Mei handed her the box of tea she had just bought and trudged up the few steps into her home.

With a great sigh, Mei sat on her ancient and stained patterned couch and gazed out the window. She swore it was only a few days ago when she would look out that very same window and see her brother and nephew’s rusted train rush by. The track was only a few kilometers away, but now, no train ever went by. She never again heard the high pitched noise of a whistle or feel the earth rumble underneath her. Tama walked over and gave Mei a bowl of rice, what she always requested on the birthday of her brother and his son. They were very much alike, and they were all very close. To think that Mei wouldn’t see them again broke her heart, even after 62 years.

Mei and Tama were the only ones left in the family. Mei’s dad was killed at war while her mom died giving birth to her younger sister. Her sister didn’t survive either. This was the reason Mei and her brother were so close in his lifetime. After his wife walked out on him and his two kids, Mei was happy to let them live with her. One day a catalogue came in the mail and they decided to buy a train. Her brother and his son rode it every year on their shared birthday. One year, the engine blew up and, just like that, they were gone. Remembering this crushed Mei, but it was the only thing she had left. She never told anyone because she thought that the memories wouldn’t be her own anymore. Just as the tears rushed down her face, her chocolate lab ran over with a slobbery, old, and tattered baseball.  Mei could remember her other nephew, Tama’s father, playing with that same ball before he died. That made the sorrow deeper. She wandered when the sorrow and depression was going to end. She stifled a smile as Tama walked by, chewing on a balance bar.

The next night, as they were sitting at the table, they talked. For the first time in decades, Mei told Tama what her father, mother, uncle, and grandfather were like. She talked all about how they were all so loving and kind. She shared their stories, their victories, and their times of hardship. She shared it all. As she squirted out some more hot sauce, she finished her stories. Then, for the first time since that tragic accident, she laughed. She was happy to talk about her family and happy to still have family. Mei didn’t feel old anymore, she felt like she could do anything.

Reviews

[Emma Olsen]

Overall, I think you do write well - you got me involved with the character and I started to become interested in her past. However, this is almost too short - like a prelude to some larger work. I only barely get to know Mei and understand that she's sad and what she's sad about when suddenly she's happy and it's over. I think you have a talent for exposition, but you're overusing it and telling me the story instead of letting me see the moments she thinks about and immersing me in them. For instance, you have an excellent opportunity at the end to actually give us the conversation she has with her son, but instead you brush over all of it in a few short sentences. Instead of showing the change the conversation causes in Mei, you tell me at the end that this change happens. You do a good job of describing the current scene and really placing me, but here are all these memories - chances for you to immerse me in this woman's complex (and, as you say, 'gruesome') past and instead you brush over them. I want to see these moments, get a feel for her deceased family, really understand why she's so depressed. I understand that they're gone, but saying that means nothing to me as an outsider, someone who doesn't know them. As a writer, your job is to make me feel what she feels, to recount the pain and horror she felt at losing them as she goes through it. I need to know them and what they meant to her. You can use her dialogue with Tama to explore this, but I think you should explore it before then (and include more dialogue with the other, deceased, characters) simply because it's said a few times that Mei's depressed but I really get very little sense of that, to be honest, especially when it goes away so fast (though I may be biased because I have depression.) You should also try to encapsulate her movements and actions to convey this more, I think. You begin to do this and then it just falls off and you lapse into informing the reader about her past without the emotional backbone the descriptions of her actions provide.
I'm not sure the memories you've described are 'gruesome' . . . more nostalgic, and I'm not sure whether the memories have been triggered by something or if she's always feeling this way. I think there needs to be some sort of catalyst for her depression, something that reminds her of her brother or one of the other members of her family. Stories should always begin at a point of action or change, even if it's something small, but it should be something which somehow disrupts the normal state of the world (this normal state should also be established - whether through flashbacks and references by other characters or by a short opening paragraph which sets the scene.) I think you're trying to make the catalyst the fact that it's her brother's and his son's birthday, but it needs to be more immediate in such a short piece.

I think, in general, your struggles aren't so much with writing and style but are more centered around structuring your story. You have no rising action, which is a period of time in which the main character undergoes an increasing level of duress centered around the main conflict. Your main character is Mei and your conflict is her dealing with these memories and the depression she gets when confronting them. While your rising action doesn't need to be drastic, there needs to be some showing that the conflict is really affecting the main character. This is why I brought up the memories and how Mei needs to show more emotional involvement in them. I see her recall them, but I feel no sense of duress, no struggle, no clue that the memories are really hurting her. I feel that there's a story here, but you're not telling it and you're not investing me in the players - you're kind of out-lining the tension, do you understand what I mean? Her greatest struggle should be when she seems Tama and starts to talk to her and I should see it acted out so that I can also see her catharsis (or the moment when the main character reaches some greater understanding because of their struggles - such as, perhaps, Mei realizing that Tama is still her family and she should be happy to still be around her.) I have a beginning, a point of nostalgic memory, a description of a talk I don't actually read, and then everything's alright again and it's the end. =P See the issue? I think you have a basic structure, but it needs to be fleshed out. In terms of a piece you may have written to get to know Mei this is good, but I'm really only reading it as a character study right now - not a story.

I'd also maybe like her to address why she kind of ignores Tama? It seems like she obviously has this person who cares very much about her, but all that matters to her is her other family. You touch on it slightly at the end, but I just was wondering that whole time why she didn't seem to care as much that Tama was there when others weren't (some of this may be because you brush over everything so quickly towards the end, though.) Some establishing description of Tama should be included, too, I think. How old is she? What does she look like? Is she married? Does she live with Mei?
Another question I think needs to be addressed, even if only very briefly, is, if family is so important to Mei, why doesn't she seem to have a husband or children? Is she infertile? A shut-in? Just never found anyone?

On a smaller note, I don't think it's necessary to say that Mei feels 130. She's already 93, 130 feels like overkill. She's old already, maybe just talk about how she really feels her age or something?
"or feel the earth rumble" Should be "or felt."
Also, "squirted out some more hot sauce" just sounded so abrupt to me, mostly because of the verb "squirted," but it might be an issue that gets solved when this is expanded to include more detail.

[Estonia]

Thank you so much for your time! And yes I understand what you mean and I never thought about any of that. Originally, this was a paper for school, we had a few pieces of trash and we had to develop a character with them included (that's where the hot sauce comes in). But I know I can make if much better so thank you again!!!!

[Emma Olsen]

I can tell that this is an assignment and not a piece that you did solely for you, to be honest. Obviously the subject matter is of your choice, but it seems a bit forced since you try to wrap it all up so quickly. I forgot to say this, but I think you should also change the title. It reads like an assignment title, not like a story title. You're welcome and good luck. =)