It wasn't me

We stopped at a diner somewhere in Vermont.

Matt sat on the stool next to mine. A blonde waitress, who was about our age asked us about our order. I just going to order a coke. But Matt had to blurt it out.

"His dad just died" he told her in a horrible whisper.

 I turned back to the girl, "I think we'll start with two coffees."

"I'm sorry about your dad" she whispered.

I nodded, "Thanks "

"So we got a lot to do in a weekend uh?" Matt said looking around.

Here we go.

"Matt about that…"

A large man in a plaid shirt came up studying me, "You look familiar"

"I've never been here before" I shrugged.

"I didn't say it" He looked over at the blonde girl with to another blonde girl waving to Matt and I. "See them? They're my daughters, Rita and Theresa. And I love them very much. So

I'm keeping my eye on you two."

He walked away just as Rita walked up putting two cups of coffee in front of us. We lowered our eyes, knowing that Papa bear was on the hunt.

%%%%%

"Matt…about this trip…I wasn't exactly honest with you."

"What?"

I took a deep a breath, "I'm…not planning to go back home."

He slowly turned to me, "What?" He pinched.

Yup, here we go. I held my hand and called out, "Check please"

"We going are going back home." He stomped.

Rita handed me the check looking very confused. I nicely took it from her and started walking to the cash register, "I told you that I need to go away for a while."

He angrily followed me of course.

I  opened my wallet, "S**t, I think I'm short."

Matt came up next to me and took his wallet out. He had the water balloon war picture sticking out of the id slot.

"You keep that picture in you wallet?" I whispered.

"Yea" he whispered back.

Why does he have to make this harder than it needs to be?

I looked at Theresa behind the cash register. She was still batting her eyes at me. I tried to act friendly, giving her a little smile.

Then I saw my dad's face behind her.

He was in a small picture next to Papa bear. "Hey, can I see that picture?"

She handed it to me.

"Oh my god" Matt looking at it over my shoulder, "That's your dad"

"Daddy, come here" she yelled. Papa bear and his sister came running toward us.

"This is Bud Hunter's son" she said. 

Papa bear chuckled, "That's why you look so familiar. Bud showed us about a million pictures of you."

"You're Jimmy" Papa bear shook my hand.

"James" I nodded. "So how did you know my dad?" I asked.

He chuckled, "He stopped here all the time whenever he was on the road. I even remember him saying you would be perfect for one of my daughters"

Theresa giggled, "It was me"

Of course it was her.

"Well sorry, but that ship is gone." I smirked.

Matt and I laughed.

She raised her eyebrows, "What is that supposed to mean?"

Matt…Matt put his arm around me, "You're not exactly his type honey" then he pecked me on the cheek.

The girls squealed. "Oh my god, you're gay?" 

We nodded. 

Thresa threw up her hands, "Of course, all the hot ones are gay"

Both girls inch close to us. "So what dose your dad think about your boyfriend?" Rita

asked.

Matt took his arm off me, "Well actually…"

"Dad loved him" I cut him off.

My eyes shifted to Matt, "He said that Matt was one of the few great people you meet in life

and that I should marry him."

Everybody awed.

"Did he really say that Jamie?" Matt whispered.

I nodded, "Yea he did"

"So what's your daddy up to now?" Papa bear clinked in.

Oh. That's right. S**t, I'm going to have to tell them.

"Um…" I mumbled. "I hate to tell you this but…" I walked to the middle of the room "my dad

died last week."

That felt chilling to say out loud. Everybody was quiet. I hated the quiet.

"So who shot him?" Papa Bear then called out to everyone.

They all laughed. And even I laughed. "Is it okay that I'm laughing at that?"

Papa bear sat me down, "Of course, you're daddy would wanted us to laugh."

"How well did y'all know him?"

"Well good enough" he said, "He was always running from something. He had that way about him." He shook his head, "And you were all he talked about kid."

I smirked. I guess I was still angry.

Papa bear got up, "I think he deserves a toast" He motioned to his daughter.

 Rita came and handed us each a coke. "Yea" I looked over across from me at Matt, "Mac?

Would you say something?"

He bit his lip. We shifted our eyes at each other. He stood up and put his bottle above his head, "Bud Hunter wasn't always a saint." Everybody laughed.

Matt was looking straight at me. And I was looking at only him. "But he loved James as much as he was able to . And even though he wasn't around to show it, we know he wished he was. And he would be here right now if he could. I honestly believe that."

Thresa whispered to me, "You really like him don't you? I can see it in your eyes."

"To Bud Hunter" Matt cheered with everyone repeated after him.

"I don't like him" I whispered back, "I love him. And he concisely reminds why."

%%%%%%

Our argument resume when we went back to our motel.

"Why did to bring me on this trip" He screamed.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't put an answer together.

"Give me the keys" he commanded reaching into my pocket. "No" I bit grabbing his arm.

He grabbed my shoulder.

I grabbed his neck, "No" I got him in a headlock.

He released himself and put me in a headlock. I pushed him down. He pulled me down with him. We rolled around on the carpet fighting each other. But then we started breathing heavy. I think it was all the physical activity. My back was against the rough carpet. My fingers were on his neck. The original intention was to choke him, but my grip loosened. Matt's hands were squeezing my chest. Our legs intertwined. Oh my god that was a great feeling. I stared up at him and he stared down at me.

"Isn't it funny, how things change?" He said, "When we were kids we used to wrestle and

roll around like it was nothing. But now we wrestle with a whole new meaning…we get all hot and…" He swallowed and looked down at the bulges poking out of our pants. "and well hard. Jamie I can't look at or much less touch you without wanting to kiss you until neither one of us can breathe." He moved down and kissed me. Hard. I of course returned with the same passion.

He slipped a hand underneath shirt, "I'm sorry I overreacted about…well everything. I shouldn't known better." He whispered.

I kissed his neck, "I'm sorry I shut you out...you have no idea how much I missed you." I started unbuttoning his jeans. He took the hit.

%%%%%%

I had worn Matt out (wink wink). I had left him in bed.

It was time.

It was time that I do what I came to this town to do. I knocked on the off white apartment door. I took deep breath squeezing my hands in my jacket pockets. I lowered head and mumbled the little speech I had practiced. I didn't lift my head when the door opened. I peeked through my hair at the yellow waitress with a red apron. Right above her chest was a name tag that said "Gina".

I lift my head. She had changed a lot. For one, the wild big curly hair that was fashionable in the 80's and was gone. She now had her hair cut right above her shoulders tame and wavy. Two, she had make-up on, but it wasn't as much as she used do. Instead of the colorful glitter, she now had natural tones, well expect for her shining red lipstick, but red lips worked for her. Seeing her again made my throat swell up.

My speech was suddenly gone, all that came out was, "Hi Mom"

She stared at me with her hand over her mouth. "Jimmy?"

I nodded.

She threw her arms around my neck. I tightly hugged her back.

She ran her fingers though the back of my head. "You cut your hair" she cheered before finally letting go of me, "I like it."

I nodded trying to stay calm, but failing "I like yours too."

She put her hands on my checks, "You've grown up really handsome."

She took a breath, "You wanta come inside for a bit?"

I left Matt a note so I guessed it was okay.

She held the door open and motioned me in. Her living room was mix mashed but nice and clean.

"Can I get you something?" I politely declined standing her doorway. She sat down on her loud flower print couch.

"So where are you living nowadays? Last I heard you were living with that nice teacher."

"I'm now living in a college dorm." I said.

Her eyes grew big, "College? Wow"

"Yea" I nodded nervously shifting my feet.

She jumped up from the sofa, "I have a college boy. Oh I need to get you a piece of pie."

I put my pawn up, "No, no. I don't want any pie. Um Listen…I came here to tell you some big news."

I took a seat on the couch and inhaled, "Dad died"

She dropped down next to me. Her eyes were closed and she put her hand over her lips again.

"What happened?" she sniffed.

"Heart attack" I simply said.

She shifted, "How are you doing?"

I folded my hands, "I've been so angry that I can't see straight."

She went quiet for a while.

"It shocks me you know" I said, "It shocks me that I actually miss him."

She was still quiet.

"Mom…how are you feeling?"

"Guilty" she said, "When we locked up in that apartment and he was beating us and all…I was so angry that I used to…I used to…"

"Wish he was dead?" I finished her statement nodding my head, "Yea, I used to wish that too."

She grabbed my hand. I squeezed hers tightly. I heard her start to cried and she heard me do the same.

"I did love him" she cried, "Maybe he wasn't 'the love of my life', but I did love him. He was charming, funny, sweet…not to mention imaginative. And of course I hated him. And I thought I wanted him dead…but now..."

I place my head on her neck, "I know. I understand."

She kissed my forehead, "I'm sorry I wasn't there…and I know we didn't leave off in the best foot."

"Yea" I sniffed, "When you freaked out on me when I told you that I'm gay"

She looked at me with her mouth open, trying to speak but was struggling. But I knew what she was going to ask.

"The answer is yes mom. I'm still gay"

"Oh" she said, "Are you sure?"

I took my head off her, "Yes!" I screamed, "Trust me I know. And if you don't believe me ask the guys that have fucked me."

She gave me this look with confusion and disgust, "Why this such a big deal to you?"

I shifted myself on the couch facing her sideways, "It's a big deal because you were the f*****g one person I thought would understand me. The one person saw me without the make-up. And I trusted you with the biggest secret of my life…and you tore me a part.

You know dad was completely open and cool about it. He actually kind of excited that I had a boyfriend and everything."

She looked at me with a blank stare.

I got up from the couch, "No reply uh? Well then so be it. If you don't want to be in my life. Well then so be it." I was trying to wipe my tears, "But I think it would shame because I love you so much."

She brushed her hair back and sniffed, "I love you too, you're my baby. And maybe if you give me some time. Come on you just threw a f*****g lot on me." She got up, "I ain't even been able process my husband's death and then you throw this gay stuff at me again." She shook her head, "I never stopped thinking about you, honestly. You gotta know that you mean so much to me. I don't know how feel about all this right now. Just give me some f*****g time."

I nodded, "Okay Whatever. I didn't come here for this."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the tiny bottle, "I came to give you the news and to give this back to you." I held out the bottle.

She smiled a little when she saw it, "Maria red lipstick. You kept it after all this time?"

"Yea, of course" I choked, "And now I'm giving it back."

"Why? I thought you loved this one?"

"I do." I said finally calming down, "but I don't need it anymore. I don't need to wear make-up anymore."

She took the bottle and tightly hugged me. "Let's please try to keep in touch" she whispered.

"Okay" I whispered back, "I would like it"

%%%%%%

I returned to the motel finding Matt still in bed. I laid down next to him placing my head on his chest.

"How did it go with your mom?" he whispered.

"Not bad actually" I answered, "I just need to give her some time and space. I'll call her later."

"Hey Jamie, I guess what I've been thinking about?"

"What?" I chuckled.

"I think maybe I'll become a film teacher."

"I think you would be good at that Mac."

"Yea, I love film, and I would love to teach kids some special"

I put my hand on his abs, "Well as long you don't start looking like a teacher." 

Matt chuckled, "Oh so you won't love me if I get old and fat."

"Will love me if I get fat and ugly?" I asked. 

He laughed again, "Like that's ever going to happen"

I looked up at him, "What is suppose to mean?"

He smiled, "You're James Hunter, your hot in every season. It's part of who you are."

"Who I am uh?" I said to myself, "Who I am?" I rolled around on my back and looked around, "I remember this one time at the projects," I started, "These cops came in looking for a young boy that did something, I don't know remember what. They had to question all of us. And you know what I told them?"

Matt shook his head, "What?"

A busted out laughing, "It wasn't me"

He raised his eyebrows , "I don't get it."

I flipped on to my stomach to kiss him, " Listen Mac, It wasn't me."

"What wasn't you?"

"That crimal, it wasn't me. That hopeless white trash, it wasn't me. Bud Hunter's alcoholic

son, it wasn't me. Everything I was supposed to be or tried to be. It wasn't me. Don't you see? In order to find out who I was, I had to find what I wasn't."

I got up to find a fresh note-book as well as my old black one. After I dug for a decent pencil, I sat back down next to Matt.

"Jamie, is something happening?"

"Mac, I going to write a book, about my life and everything. And I know the perfect tittle."

On the top I wrote It wasn't me .

I lived in a lonely, dark, and dirty world. Nobody wants to be friends with the kid who lives in dirty projects and has a crazy drunken dad always making things up and a mother who sleeps around and cries in her own beer. My earliest memories were sitting on my busted up bed hearing my parents yelling, hearing the breaking of beer bottles.