Resonable questions

"You know what" Jake said pacing back and forth in emergency waiting room, "Maybe this will force him to slow down. You know really stick around."

"You're kidding yourself" I smirked.

"You don't know that." He bit back.

"Yes I do. I know him. I am him."

Then we heard footsteps coming closer. I looked up to see Shawna, Alfreda…and Matt. I stared down at the floor.

"How's he doing?" Shawna asked us.

Jake nodded, "He's resting."

We were all silent for about a minute.

"Hey" Alfreda finally said, "Shawna, how about you and I go get everybody some coffee"

As soon as the girls left the room a nurse motioned to Jake then took him to fill out some

more stuff.

Matt and I were left alone. He walked around and sat down next to me. "How…" he whispered, "How you doing?"

I closed my eyes and took a breath. "You don't have to be here." I smirked, "Don't you have a date or something?"

He grabbed my hand, "Jamie you know that you're more important  than anything to me. I know you and I'm afraid you might do something crazy if left alone."

I removed my hand from his grip and through my head to the ceiling, "Why do you care?

I'm not your my boyfriend anymore. I wouldn't care if I was you."

"You know that you don't mean that."

F**k, he was right.

I finally looked at him, "Do you know what was happening when he had his heart attack?"

He shook his head, "No. What?" I shifted up in my seat,

"I was telling him I was gay."

"What did he say?"

"He didn't say anything…he just collapsed."

"Oh" he grasped, "…you must feel awful."

"I do. I should be in there telling him that I love him. But I can't because I'm still so angry at

him."

"You know babe" he said, "He's been coming in and out of your life. But now he's in there

and he can't go anywhere."

%%%%

I find my deepest pain around you.

I find my brokenness inside your hand.

Yet when I think of you...I crave your attention...I rely on your love.

And I see your face and...I go back to a child wanting their Daddy.

I sat by my dad's bed trying to write.

"How's he doing?" Jake whispered walking in carrying a shopping bag.

I watched Jake set down some newspapers, venture machine food, and two bottles of water while he talked about his plans. He acted so…so put together. He seemed so clam.

It frustrated me.

"You're just so good at this, aren't you" I smirked.

"I'm just trying to take care of things." He bit back.

I walked over to him, "Well I guess that's easy when you not feeling what I am"

"Don't tell me how I'm feeling. I'm his son too." He bit.

"Are you?" I barked, "When you were a kid did you sat next to him while he watched TV hoping he would say something to you? Did ever clean up glass after him when he was drunk? And did you fake a smile while inside you were dying inside? Did you?"

Jake shook his head, "No, I didn't. But I had to live my whole life knowing I had a father that I couldn't know."

I rolled my eyes, "But you turned out okay. You are in the stable relationship. You deal with things. I'm…I'm just another version of him."

I heard my dad call out my name, "Jimmy"

"Oh god dad it James" I smirked again.

"I'm sorry son" he said lying in that hospital bed.

"Did you hear what I said dad ? Before? At the apartment?" I asked.

"Um…you said that you was um…"

"Gay." he choked, "I said that I'm gay…because I am."

He stared me for a while. "James..." He started, "I made it a point not do judge people... hell who am I to judge anybody. But the thing is that I don't think I ever really known a gay.

What exactly is that religion about?"

I was shocked. I'd had never thought of he would response this clamly. "It's not a religion. It just means that like guys."

"But ain't there like religious holidays?"

"Well there's a one gay pride parade a year requirement. Oh and of course Cher's birthday." I chuckled at my own joke.

Jake laughed too.

Dad looked at us quiet and confused. He didn't get it.

So I turned back to subject, "How are you feeling about this dad ? Please tell me what's going through your head?"

He blinked, "So how long has this been goin on?"

I nodded, that was a reasonable question.

"That depends on what you're asking. If you're asking me how long I've been out about it, it's been about a year. If you're asking me how long I've been gay…then I think that's been going on my whole life."

"Excuse me son, but how do you know?"

Another reasonable question.

"Well, I'll spare you the details," Then I remembered something, "Dad…when I kiss a guy I feel like I'm on a desert weak enough to faint."

His face lit up with a sudden understanding, "So while you were yellin at me you mentioned a guy? You got a boyfriend or something?"

Wow, he had to ask that. I bit my lip and attempted to blink away the tears.

"Yea. I do" I swelled up.

I didn't it say it to lie. I didn't it say it to be in denial. I said because I realized that don't matter what happened…I still had a boyfriend.

"Wow." he reposed, "What's this fellas name?"

"It's Matt. Matthew Edwards."

He busted out laughing, "While lookie there. It don't get any better than that. You caught a good one."

I looked over Jake who anxiously stood at the foot of the bed waiting to share. "Guess who Jake's dating?"

Jake came and sat by me. "It's Will." Jake explained, "My roommate"

"Whoa" he chuckled, "Ain't that an added twist." Jake was glowing with happiness.

But I couldn't enjoy that happiness. Even though it seem like I was having a great time with my dad, his presence still bothered me. My mind just took a step back and watched the situation. My sometimes abusive and distant father is lying in a hospital bed after almost dying. My brother (who didn't grow up dealing with our father) is happily chatting about his great relationship with his boyfriend. And my father, who I always thought was the stereotypical close-minded, is super cool with two of his sons being gay (well Jake's bi but that's not the f*****g point). My mother freaked out when I told her, yet my father is welcomes it so quickly. What the f**k? Now I'm sure I could get a grip on it if I could consult my boyfriend…oh wait I already screwed with that.

Wait wasn't I mad at my father for f*****g me up so bad, causing me to screw up everything in the first place. It was all giving me a headache.

"James you okay?" Jake nudged my shoulder.

"I can't believe this" I barked, "This. The three of us. In this room. Acting like…this."

"James" Jake bit, "Were having a happy moment. Why can't you just be happy with us?"

"Dad, I managed to find this sweet guy who knows what I've been though, know the things

I've done yet…despite everything loves me. He somehow sees this good inside me. He sees me as this strong, kind, loyal, sensitive poet that's bond to be successful."

Here's where the tears started falling.

"I wish I was the man he sees me as. But I can't be because I'm always paranoid that if I feel secure and happy in life that something is going to come in and crush it...so I crush it myself."

I grabbed that railing of the bed "And I can't stop myself"

My red eyes looked into his. "Why couldn't you just stick around? I could've really needed you."

He put his hands on mine, "Well I'm staying now, for real."

Then dad grasped.

"Dad what's wrong?"

"You betta call someone" He whispered not being to breathe.

Jake ran out the room screaming for help. I was grasping trying to adjust.

Dad grabbed my hand. "I think this is it"

"What dad?"

"I was never able to stay and be happy. Neither could my pa. You can break the cycle.

You're a good boy and you're smarter than I could ever be."

"Dad you're not going to die."

"Boy death isn't all bad. I'll won't feel any pain anymore. I just might be happy with it."

"Dad…dad no"

"I'm sorry son, I love you."

People in white coats came rushing in. I was slammed on to the wall. I stayed there with my eyes shut while the crowd rushed around calling out orders.

%%%%

We were all sitting in the waiting room. I sat there squeezing Matt's hand. He didn't mind of course. He sat by me patiently. Jake sat across from me doing the same thing with Will.

Will was cracking little jokes about hospital food. We weren't mad. That was how he reacted to things. I actually felt a little relieved that someone was talking. I hated complete quiet.

We sat like that until a doctor walked up to us with his hands folded. We all stood up.

"We lost him" He said. I could tell that this was the part of his job that he hated. "His heart wasn't strong enough."

I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to feel. I wanted to cry it I would never see him again. I wanted to yell at him for leaving me again. Yet I wanted to be spiteful and laugh that he was finally gone.

Matt put his arms around me, "Jamie?"

I grabbed his waist and clutched him tightly.

%%%%%

I ended up back at my old apartment. I was alone sitting on the couch where I used to watch soap operas with my mom. As I looked around I began to think about the child I once was. The young me would never had dreamed that I would out like this. Or maybe he did dream of it but didn't want to think about.

"Hey Jamie" I heard Matt say as he walked in.

I opened my eyes and looked over at him.

"How you feeling Jamie?" He asked sitting next to me.

"I think I'm doing okay, better at least."

He looked around. "Wow, I haven't been in here in a long time." He picked up something from the floor and laughed.

"Mac what is it?"

"It's the picture of us at the water ballon war." I stared at the picture of two soaked pre-teens. "I can't believe it that was you and me. A lot has changed."

Staring that picture reminded of a childhood habit. Running away. When I couldn't handle something I wanted to run away. Mentally or Physically. I always ran away to Matt. But the truth is that I pictured actually wanted to run away with Matt.

"Hey Matt…I was thinking about going a way for a while. Like a road trip."

"Yea" he nodded, "You should take a little trip."

I took a breath "You…"I mumbled. I shifted my body to look into his eyes, "You wanta come with?"

He didn't say no, but he did ask a question. But it was a reasonable question.

He slid his fingers around the picture, "As friends or boyfriends?"

I thought he would ask that, the one question I didn't know how to answer.

"Um…how…how about as best friends?"

He lowered his eyes. I don't think that's the answer he wanted.

I moved closer, "Please Matt? I really need to go with me. You know more than anybody that I do stupid things when I'm not with you."

He bit his lip.

I moved closer. Brushing my nose against his cheek Then I bated my eyes.

"God I can't say no to that face." he chuckled, "Okay. A weekend road trip good sounds to me."

Then we both got quiet. Our lips were an inch a part. His eyes told me exactly what he wanted to do. And oh god I wanted to do the same thing. I felt him leaning in. I wanted to kiss him…but I freaked out getting up from the couch. I walked into the kitchen.

Matt cleared his throat, "So…Is there any special place you wanta go…or are we just going to drive in one direction until we hit ocean?"

Another reasonable question.

I chuckled, "Yea, I think we'll just let the road be our guide." I lied. The truth is that I knew the exact place that I needed to go to. And I knew the exact person that I needed to see.

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