"Isn't that what you want?"

Okay, you're probably going to hate and be confused with James for a couple of chapters.

 

While Matt was sleeping on my chest, I thought about sex in another way. The sex was amazing, we even went a few more rounds…but…I couldn't stop my mind from wondering.

 

I was a terrible person. I am a terrible person. I must be.

 

There I am laying next to this wonderful guy in great college dorm that somehow managed to get and I for some reason I can't feel satisfaction. My mind kept going back and forth. I'm happy. I'm not happy. I banged my head on the pillow.

 

What is wrong with me? What can't I be f*****g fulfilled already?

 

"Hey, there" I heard Matt laugh smiling up at me, "How you feeling?"

 

I wished I could've let him in. I wished I could have talked to him. But I didn't want to ruin this day over what may be nothing.

 

"I feel great "Mac"

 

%%%%%%%

 

I was in student union getting a latte, when I noticed a hot blond guy in a purple scarf looking over at me. I nodded acknowledging him.

 

He walked up to me smiling. "Hey Elvis" I laughed.

 

He was referring to my hair, I had it kind of curled up a little in the front with a few free stands. I had to admit it looked it a little Elvis.

 

I curled my lip and said in deep voice, "Thank ya, thank ya very much."

 

He kept giving me these sexy eye looks. I couldn't help to find myself doing it right back with a flashing smile. I didn't mean to do it...I just did it.

 

Then I felt a pair of arms around my waist, "Hey Jamie" Matt  rested his head on my shoulder. He gotten extra affectionate now that his sex drive had been activated.

 

Hot guy laughed, "I'm Cameron."

 

I shifted back to the guy, "I'm James and this is my friend Matt."

 

Matt looked over at me confused, "Friend?"

 

"Oh" I panicked just real realized that I had made a huge mistake. "Boyfriend I meant boyfriend."

 

Hot guy nodded, "Oh so you two are together."

 

"Yea" I kept panicking, "Boyfriend and boyfriend, we have sex and everything."

 

Hot guy chuckled, "I'll see you two around." He nicely waved walking away.

 

Matt had already taken his arms off me, "You called me your friend."

 

I took a drink of my coffee, "It was just a slip."

He wasn't going to let up. "Was it because you were afraid to say that you were gay?"

 

I shook my head, "No. This is not a gay thing. I'm over that."

 

It was true. I wished I had that excuse right now.

 

"Then what is it?"

 

I looked at the clock on wall, "Listen I got to get to a class. Let's not get into this." I kissed him, "I love you. It's nothing, but I verbal slip. Please let it go."

 

Then I walked on hoping to believe in the words I was saying.

 

%%%%%

 

After we came back from having dinner at the Edwards, I knew Matt would need to "talk".

 

No, nothing dramatic happened. But during dinner I was very quiet and kept stuffing my mouth. Why was I stuffing my mouth? Okay I'll admit to you. I'll f*****g admit. The whole time was eating with them I had this raging need to run down to the nearest bar or liquor store get a drink. Come on. I was starting this scary world in college. My passive aggresive boyfriend is mad me and I can't say that did nothing because a part of me thinks that I did. Hot guys are flirting with me and I kinda of want to flirt back, yet I don't want because I love Matt. I've had to spent my life jumping form one problem to another, never being able to happy. Yes, I want a dam drink.

 

Matt seemed to catch on. "Why can't you just tell me how you feel?"

 

He nagged sitting down on our bed.

 

"I don't know" I shrugged "We were not even sure how we feel about this relationship."

 

"We?" He raised his eyebrow, "I'm sure, but I don't feel that you're sure."

 

I took a breath this was not going to turn out good, but he deserved to know, "Part of me thinks that I want to be free, but I still very much have feelings for you. And that scares me. I don't know what do to with those feelings."

 

"Give in to them. Then you'll be in love someone that's in love with you. Isn't that what you want?" He pleaded.

 

I took his hand and stared at him whispering. "You're a wonderful person." I started to see him look pained.

 

"Isn't that what you want?" He repeated.

 

"I don't know what I want" I got up and yelled, "I just confused okay. I don't think…I don't think I'm ready for this."

 

"You're the one that asked to move in together." He yelled, "You're the one that started all this. Now you're the one saying you're not ready."

 

"I know, you deserve so much better."

 

He shook his head and bit his lip, "So we are done?"

 

"Done? Like were breaking up?"

 

"Isn't that what you want?" I asked again.

 

I couldn't answer that. I felt myself shaking, "Are we still best friends?"

 

He went quiet and took off his glasses. He rubbed his eyes and begin crying.

 

"Maybe I should stay somewhere else for at least tonight." I said throwing some of my clothes in a bag. And I walked out.

 

I walked out leaving him in tears.

 

%%%%%

"Let's face there's something wrong me." I yelled crying on Shawna's bed clutching my bag.

 

"Nothing's wrong with you." She sat next to me and consulted. "You're just hurting and when you're ready, you'll meet someone new."

 

"I don't wanta meet somebody new" I explained. "It's me. I had something great and I blew it."

 

"James…"

 

"What if I'm incapable of being with anybody? What if I can't do that?"

 

There was a knock on her door.

 

"Shawna, phone for you." A co-ed called out.

 

"I'll be right back" she resured me before leaving the dorm.

 

I opened my bag and pulled out my mom's lipstick.

 

I kissed the bottle, "I wish I was as strong as you Maria."

 

Still holding the lipstick, I went the bathroom to wash my face.

 

"I don't need a drink. I don't need a drink." I kept repeating rocking back and forth.

 

I heard Shawna walk in and put her arm around me, "That was Alfreda, she's staying at your place tonight with Matt."

 

"Really?"

 

"Yea, come on you know that Matt is crying to Alfreda just like you're crying to me."

 

I hated that I made him cry.

 

"How is he?" I choked.

 

"Well, Alfreda said she hopes he'll be okay. She said they're going to eat ice cream, watch lifetime, and cry it out."

 

"They would to that" I nodded.

 

"Yea, that is them. But do you want to know what I think we should do."

 

"What?"

 

"Honey, were movers and shakers. I say that you get cleaned up and put on those black pants that make your a*s look great. I'm going to put on some make-up and that strapless red dress with sliver belt. There's gotta be a party somewhere at this college and we were going go to it."

 

She was right. We were more of the party type. And it did sound fun.

 

I looked at her in bathroom mirror, "Yea"

 

%%%%

We were having fun dancing together, when I felt a tap on my shoulder, "Hey Elvis"

 

I turned to find Cameron behind me, I smiled, "Hey"

 

"Oh perfect" Shawna cheered, "He's hot."

 

She shifted her eyes and whispered, "You deserve to relax and if something bad happens, you come and find me okay?"

 

She gave me a peck on the cheek them smiled at him and walked away.

 

"Where's your boyfriend?" he sweetly asked.

 

I took a breath, "We broke up"

 

"Oh I'm sorry…may I ask why?"

 

I rolled my eyes, "We just both felt that we should you know…explore"

 

That wasn't the truth but I wanted it be.

 

He nodded, "So can I get you a beer?"

 

I know I should have said no. I could've just said no and he would've said okay and we would've moved on. But for me nothing can be that simple in my life.

 

"I would love one."

 

I am my own antagonist.

I've pushed away my own chances of happiness

I must go to my mistress that is my own nature

Alcohol, oh alcohol I call you to make me forget

I call on you that you convince me that I'm happy