Hot and Cold

The deepest part of hell is ice

Even Satan himself is trapped in the burning cold.

Cold and hot do co-exist as a bipolar device.

How one can feel heat and froze at the same time is to yet unfold.

Our senior ski trip ruined everybody's make-up.

Matt and Alfreda were basically planning their wedding. Shawna and I had developed a great (still non-sexual) romantic relationship. The four of us had certain friendly structure. Matt and I were still best friends, Alfreda and Shawna became good friends.

That was what we had gotten used to. But our friendly system went down in flames at that cold lodge.

The heat started when Matt slipped and fell down an ice covered mountain.

"Ow, ow it's broken" He screamed as I carried him to couch in the lodge lobby.

Then in a red vest a cute blonde hair brown eyed guy started examining Matt's foot, "I don't think anything broken, just a mild spring, but you won't ski." I think I noticed he winked at Matt as he said, "I guess you'll have to stay inside with me."

%%%%

I spent the day skiing with Shawna and Alfreda. It was actually fun. We debated on social issues and gossiped who was going to hook up on the trip. It's crazy but, now that my mom was really gone, I actually consider Shawna and Alfreda the two most important women in my life. I liked spending time with them, but of course being with Matt would've made it better.

That afternoon the three of us walked into the lobby. I heard Matt laugh. The cute worker guy, Larry, was laughing too.

I don't want to notice this, but Matt and Larry were looking each other with a little spark flaming.

"Are how you feeling?" Alfreda walked in not seeming to notice. She kissed on his lips.

Larry rolled his eyes, "It's seem like you'll good hands."

I watched Matt's eyes follow Larry as he left with this strange smile on his face.

"Someone has a crush" I mocked under my breath.

%%%%

I was in Alfreda and Shawna's room while the girl's while they changed, neither one minded me being there.

"Hey guess what I heard?" Alfreda asked walking around in a bra. 

I laid on her bed flipping channels, "What?"

"I heard that Larry is gay." She brushed back her hair, "Do you think he is?"

"What?" I shook my head, "I don't know. Why would I care?"

She put a sweater on, "Is Matt attracted to me?"

She had been asking me that a lot lately.

I just shrugged my shoulders, "Yea, duh"

She stared at me for a minute then sat down.

"James...what if I was gay." 

I didn't know how to response that. I sat up, "Um...do you...are you...trying to say that you're...a lesbian?"

"This is a hypotendical" she explained getting more comfy on the bed, "But if I was, you would tell Matt wouldn't you?"

"Um..."

"You would." she stated nodding, "You care about Matt enough to tell him...you wouldn't want him to waste his time or get his heart broken."

"Um...I guess...why are you talking like this?"

Then she whispered, "Would you do the same for me?"

I didn't like where this was going. I got up, "Hey, I'm gotta go to bed now."

***

I laid in my bed in Matt and mine's double room with my notebook.

I've been lying. Lying you.

It's a lie that I don't want to kiss you.

Matt I…

I stopped. I pulled up the covers. I was getting chilled.

I want you to take care of me and want to take care of you. 

I want you to see the deepest part of me but I just can't allow that.

I feel, I think, I lo…

I threw the pencil down and put my head in my knees. I looked over at the door, waiting for Matt to open it. I heard a knock at the door, but instead of Matt it was Shawna.

"Hey girlfriend" she laughed lying down on my bed getting comfrey in the sheets.  

I slid next to her, "Hey what's up?"

She laid on her side with her hand slowly stroked my arm, "I was just sitting in my room

broad out of my f*****g mind, so I thought I'd come here. What are you up to?"

"Just a little writing" I chucked staring into her beautiful eyes.

She got closer, "Anything you'll let me read?"

I shook my head no.

She chuckled rolling her eyes, "God you're such a 'troubled artist'."

"Sorry Babe. That's how I roll."

I looked down to see our hands had become intertwined. I looked back up at her. She was so beautiful. And she deserved a guy who could truly knew that.

"You know, I do really care about you James."

I nodded, "I really care about you too."

Then I leaned in to kiss her. I really meant it just a friendly peck. But she deepened it  and pulled me on top of her, her soft beautifully painted finger nails around my neck.

I put my dirt full ones on her waist.

I tried. Really tried. I held her close as I could. I sank as deep into her body as much as a

I could.  I kissed as passionately as I could.

I felt her lifting up my shirt. And I tried, really tried to play along. But the more I tried and more I felt my eyes puff up. I shut them to prevent the tears from coming.

Shawna pulled away, "Are you okay?"

I choked up.

"James, what's wrong? Did I do something?"

I rolled off of her, "No, you're perfect."

"James, talk to me?"

The tears started coming.

"Do you want me to leave?" She asked. 

I shook my head, "No, I just need some air."

I got up and stormed out the room. She followed behind me, "James, what's wrong?"

I walked into the lobby where our classmates were scattered around hanging out.

"James please, why won't you talk to me?" Shawna kept yelling, "Why? Why? Why?"

I couldn't take it anymore, "Because I'm gay." I finally yelled out.

The crowd of students all stared at  me. I realized that I had dated probably 80% of the girls in the room, and probably brated about it all 80% of the guys.

But at that  didn't seem to matter at that moment. My focus was on Shawna.

 "Shawna, I care too much about you to keep lying. I'm gay. I've been gay this whole time. And I just realized...that's what I'll always be." I grabbed her hands, "Can you still be my friend? Please?"

She laughed, "You're a fabulous gay white boy. I'm a sassy black girl. Aren't we natural best friends?"

I laughed and hugged her.

%%%%

I walked back into my room to see Matt nervously sitting on his bed.

"Hey" I waved.

He didn't say anything. He just stared at the floor.

I walked over and sat down next to him, "Are you okay?"

He slowly turned to me, "I've had a night"

I chuckled, "So have I" I licked my lips, "Hey so there's something I have to tell you."

I knew that the whole school would be talking about it. I figured he might as well hear it form me.

His face didn't change, "There is actually something I need to say too."

I just adjusted myself and sat crossed legged on the bed, "Okay why you go first?"

He just sat there biting his lip.

I put my hand on his thigh, "Mac, whatever it is it'll okay. Come on, it can't be that bad."

He closed his eyes, "I...I kissed Larry."

I felt hot and cold at the same time.