Chapter 21- I kissed a boy wearing my mama's lipstrick

They see it. They all see it.

I feel like they see that I'm not living.

There's a hole in my heart that stops it from beating.

There's a faithless spirit in my soul that stops it from believing.

There's too much nothing.

I'm alive but I'm not living.

***

"How is it that someone great and as hot as you doesn't have a boyfriend?" Shane chuckled at me as we got in the booth. 

I laughed.

"Waitress" he called.

Then he appeared. Matt...yea Matt walked up to our table dressed as a waitress. He was wearing white and yellow waitress uniform dress with a curly brown wig. He made an ugly teenage girl, but I guess he made an okay middle age woman.

"How you doin honey?" He greeted us in a deep smoker voice. "I'm Maddie, I'll be your waitress this evening"

I couldn't believe it. Why in the hell is he doing this?

He laughed, "May I take you order?"

Shane ordered us a couple burgers. Matt wrote it down and walk away giving Alfreda a little wave at a nearby table with Matt's camera.

Shane didn't notice it the camera. He wasn't paying attention to anything...anything expect my body. He put his arm tightly around me, and shifted closer. Too close. "So are you having fun?" He whispered into my neck.

Okay this feels creepy. Really creepy. I tried to move away but, I couldn't.

"Uh, a little space please." I hinted.

He moved even closer.

I pushed him off, "You're not listening to me."

"Wow, you're strong" he chuckled. His face grew close, "You're quite a girl aren't you?"

Then it happened. He did it.

He pressed his lips against me. I was caught totally off guard, but…after years of wondering what kissing a guy would be like, I couldn't miss this chance. I mean to him I'm a girl…there nothing wrong with a girl kissing a boy. So I lean it. I started kissing back. His lips were rough and there wasn't the taste of artificial strawberry lip-gloss. I felt this hunger. But not for food, a hunger for…kissing. I got hotter as our lips moved faster. Our mouths open and tongues started tickling with each others.

Wow, something was definitely happening in my body. I could feel tinkling, vibrating, heat, just so many feelings running between my legs.

He touched my waist and inched closer. I place my hand on his shoulder…wow he was buff.

I thought that nothing could go wrong. Then out of nowhere I felt a hand suddenly grabbed the inner part of my thigh.

It scared me. I jerked back and got up. I didn't know how react.

He looked at me if as I did something wrong. I huffed and ran over to the little table Alfreda was sitting with a camera which was now pointing on the floor.

She looked petrified, "James…what just...what's going on?"

"He grabbed me." I roared.

She stared at me with strange look of confusion with a little bit of anger, "Maybe you sent him a signal." She whispered sounding a little sassy.

I thought to myself, a signal? Well…I had put my put my tongue in his mouth?

"Look I'm sorry about that." I heard behind me. I turned around to see Shane smiling at me. He went on, "How about another chance?"

Alfreda started filming again and in the corner of eye I saw Matt staring to us. I had to remind myself that I was doing it for him. Plus...well…Shane was cute and…a good kisser, so I went to the back to the booth and "Maddie" severed our food with an readable face.

But after we were about half way though and were having a nice time chatting, he slid his hands down my arm.

He forced his waist into mine. I felt his bad breath on my neck. I didn't like this. Then his hands moved to my waist and he pitched my a*s.

I knocked him off me, "Hey"

"Hey what?" He smirked.

"What's wrong with you?" I yelled.

He laughed. That a*****e was laughing, "I'm just trying to have a little fun."

That was it. My anger was flowing over and I let it show. I punched him in the eye.

Shane fell to the floor then dared to ask, "What was this for?"

"For every women who has ever had to out with creeps like you." I protested.

I turned around to see Matt and Alfreda standing proudly with there cameras. I smile at both of them. We linked arms and walked put together as three friends.

****

We laughed as Matt drove us home. The three of us were going on about the awesome punch. Alfreda kept reenacting the scene and adding how proud she was of me until Matt pulled up to her house.

"Good night Maddie. Good night Maria." She laughed as she left the car and went in.

Then it was just us.

"Mac, can I ask you something?" I asked from the passager seat.

"Yea James" he nodded keeping his eyes on the road.

"Why did you dress up as Maddie and pretend to be our waitress?"

He bit his lip, "Um…because I was…um taking notes and filming. I'm sure between all the

cameras we can have enough to make it."

"Is that really the reason?"

"Yea…but I also…okay I was worried about you. I was scared that he might hurt you. When I saw him touch you…" he shook his head. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure"

"Why Maria? Was it the name of a special girl or something? Why was that important to you?"

I had never told anybody about it before, but there was something about Matt in a skirt.

"I know it sounds random but..." I took a breath, "When I was kid and my dad would beat me, my mom used to cover my burses with make-up. And one day I saw this lipstick." I put a finger over my bottom lip. "I thought it was pretty…my mom saw that and she told it was called Maria red. Then she told me how much she loved that name and that there was boldness and power in it…I guess that was important to me because I think of Maria as this symbol of my mom."

I turned to Matt to see that he had looking at me the whole time.

"Jamie, why didn't you ever tell me this before?"

"We are guys. I always thought if I talked about lipstick you would think I was strange."

Matt laughed, "Of course I think you're strange. That's why we are best friends. Plus when I was kid I kind of…never mind."

"What? You better tell me Matthew Daniel Edwards." I command, "Did you wear make-up?"

He bit his lip and then said, "No...but...I used to seek into my mom's closet and try on her clothes and…she caught me one day."

"What did she do?" I was laughing.

He laughed again "Well she decided to fun with it. We played dress up together. But of course we kept it between us."

All I could say was "Wow"

"And look at us now Jamie," He chuckled, "We've grown up to be such manly men."

I threw my head on the seat and starting laughing like crazy.

"Jamie?"

"Yea Matt" I went on laughing.

"What was it like kissing him?"

I stopped laughing. Oh s**t. He saw it. He saw the one thing I just couldn't to talk him about.

"You saw that?"

He nodded.

"Um it was…gross. Terrible. I didn't like it at all." I lied.

"Oh" he shook. "It's just when I saw you kissing him I thought…"

"You can edit out that right?" I panicked.

He nodded gripping the wheel, "Yea, I'll edit it out"

I looked at him and I looked straight back at me. Neither of us moved when the car stopped.

"You know Matt…you don't look half bad as girl."

We were leaning toward each other.

Those eyes. Those lips. I wanted to jump into that driver's seat, rip off that outfit and go hormone crazy on him.

Our noses touched.

"You really look like a hot girl Jamie."

I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me so bad.

But instead he pulled back then said in Maddie's voice, "It's gettin late honey"

I looked around. We were parked in front of Donovan's building.

"Yea I should go" I nodded, "Good night."