My angels

A short story/poem. Personal log of my child loss.

Today I’m missing my boy more than ever, and when I say my boy I mean my son. I was only a few months along with him, but I know he was my boy regardless if a doctor had to tell me my child’s gender. I miss his from my body. I wish he were still growing inside my womb. I wish he were still here, I wish that I’d of met him a few months from now like I was supposed to instead of meeting him without a heart beat - without a life. I wish he were with me every moment that goes by. I see other people with there kids and they’re so frustrated and insane because there little ones are a handful, and I laugh and think to myself that would be my favourite kind of insanity, because at the end of it they still are so happy. I see pregnant women so nervous but excited to be a part of there journey ahead. It would’ve been wild but I wouldn’t moved mountains to see my child shine in the end. I pray that he’s with my other main man, my father- my sons pa. He’d of been the greatest grandfather by far. That’s all he dreamed of, is seeing our little creations all over him, begging for his attention and I know they would have. To play bucking bull with him for endless hours, to be chucked up and down into the sky past the shed. To see my babies with me, there father and there family.. we would’ve had a perfect life. A bit crazy but it’s own type of perfection. The things I would do to turn back time, to make sure my dad had a shot at survival, my baby to have a shot at breathing one day. I think of having kids more often than I did before, it has a new shade of fluorescent colours when I think of it, when I dream of it- it’s a new sense of love I wish apon. I’ll never forget my journey with my bubba, through the sickness, the soreness, the moaning it brought apon my body I would have done it all over again. That was the most beautiful pain I’ve ever been blessed to be apart of, even if it were a short few months. I’ve been given a love and a longing for something that will last for my entire lifetime. A memmory I don’t think will ever fade, but I don’t need it to. I know my fathers wings surround my sons, and helping him learn to fly as we speak. All I know is, if things are meant to be, well there was clearly a special place at heavens gates waiting for my son and his grandfather. I know that they’re happy- even if that’s without me. See id rather my pain, I’d rather embrace the fact that they’re in a much better place than me. As one day too I’ll be at those gates and I’ll run through them, to meet my boy to see my father once again but to spend it for all of eternity. I can’t wait to see the beautiful beings that come out of me in the future, I can’t wait to tell them they have a brother up in heaven, a couple siblings actually. This time was just so surreal, that being in a physical dimension and actually seeing what could’ve been what myself and my partner created- hit me like a ton of bricks as I held him in my hand. A pain a mother doesn’t forget so lightly. I hope that gives my children in the future faith that they always have guardian angels surrounding them. Because I know that they do, mummies little warriors will go so far in this life- I f*****g swear by it. And one day we will be a whole family once again.
Forever and always, my boy. My babies. My father. My family up in heaven.
I love you so much- until we meet again. Xoxo