Are you under an illusion that India and Pakistan are the best examples of neighbours who are sworn enemies right from their inception? Are you naïve enough to believe that Israel and Palestine are the living examples of how effectively neighbours screw up? Does China and Tibet come to you mind in any quiz contest when a question is posed about warring neighbours? If you answer these questions in the affirmative, then, I must admit, with great sympathy, my dear friend that you have indeed missed the golden opportunity of staying in a neighbourhood in which a “Bengali” and a “Jain” live next door to each other ;-) Nothing is more lethal, more gruesome and more entertaining than the verbal duel between a Jain and a Bengali! The best part about the fight between a Jain and a Bengali is that it will never be violent, in the literal sense for the simple reason that the best weapon for a Bengali would be his eloquent speech intermixed with complicated words, proverbs and one-liners that a Jain would fail to understand to begin with! On the other hand, non-violence is genetically embedded in a Jain! Ahimsha is the biggest dharma for a Jain! Why will a Jain cross the lakshman rekha of his dharma for a non-veg loving, bone chewing Bengali who cooks smelly fish in mustard oil with the sole intention of offending his saintly Jain neighbour?J So be assured, you can very well sit with popcorn in one hand and coke in another, sit back and enjoy the warring faction without harbouring the fear of getting caught in a cross-fire!
Being a half bong myself, I can go into the innermost recess of a Bengali mind to figure out his strategies and plan of action in this kind of battle! As I have the privilege of having many Jain friends and me being a strict vegetarian, I can very well understand the predicament of a devout Jain! I had the privilege of staying in such neighbourhood wherein a Bong and a Jain family were next door neighbours! I now realize how helpless United Nations might be feeling when it tries to intervene between two warring countries and realizes that it can do nothing about it L
This is how it all begin! A bong family of 4, the Banerjees were staying on the 3rd floor of my building for more than a decade! The Banerjees were a typical middle class, literature and fish loving, highly educated Bengalis. I always fail to understand that if a Bong is given a choice between a fish and a book, what will he be choosing? Tough choice indeed! Mrs. Banerjee was proud of her IIM educated son, of her politically conscious husband who bore a serious and grim expression on his face 24X7, of her classic collections, of her daughter’s sonorous voice which woke the neighbours up at 5:00am when she practiced Rabindro sangeet and last but not the least of her culinary skills! Mrs. Banerjee firmly believed that no woman in the building could beat her in preparing macher jhol (fish curry), a Bengali fish preparation cooked in mustard oil! All was well in the Bong household until 5th March, 2002! It was on this fateful day that the Jains moved into the flat situated adjacent to the Banerjees! Little did Mrs. Banajree know that destiny was going to put her through the toughest test of her life time! The test of defending her Bong pride! The test of justifying her love for fish! It was an emotionally challenging phase for the Banerjees as their in-built belief of Bong superiority in everything was challenged and shaken to the core by the Jains!
Now let me give a brief overview about the Jains! The Jains were also a family of 4 (numerically equally in strength to the Banerjees). They were Dingambar Jains who refrained from eating even onion and potato! Mr. Jain was a businessman who exceled in his money making skills whereas Mrs. Jain was a housewife who followed her religious duties fanatically! The two kids, one son and a daughter were still in the schooling phase and were totally into merry making mode to the extent their strict Jain mother permitted!
The first thing that occurred to Mrs. Banerjee when the Jains moved in was the quick calculation of how the Banerjee’s score brownie points over the Jain’s in every aspect. Mrs. Banerjee was gloating in self-satisfaction and thought of the Jains as harmless neighbours. Like any Bengali, Mrs. Banerjee was, as usual, keen to show her literally collection to Mrs. Jain. Therefore, on the very first day when the Jains moved in, Mrs. Banerjee invited for the evening tea. Mrs. Banerjee even invited me and my mum. Being a Bong, I love reading and I love checking out what is the latest addition to her collection! Little was I aware that I was going to witness one of the best arguments that I have ever witnessed until date! It was hilarious and entertaining, to say the least! Mrs. Jain and Mrs. Banerjee were seated opposite each other whereas me and my mum were seated in between on the sofa.
When Mrs. Banerjee offered Mrs. Jain tea and homemade samosa, Mrs. Jain refused after raising an eyebrow and squeezing her nose. I missed a beat! This was blasphemy! What a wrong start! Refusing food that a Bong offers is the biggest way of insulting a Bong! I knew that the temper in the room would shoot up dramatically. I instantly took my cup of tea and samosa and begin relishing, both the samosa as well the argument that followed ;-) This is the way it went:
Mrs. Banerjee said, with a stiff small smile, “Ahh Mrs. Jain, I see you have little liking for the samosas, though I fail to understand why! They are homemade very famous in the entire building. You can ask Mrs. Chakravarty. She can vouch for it”. My food loving mother whose mouth was already stuffed with samosa simple looked at Mrs. Jain and nodded. On seeing my mother nodding in affirmation, Mrs. Banerjee gave the kindest look to my mom and even looked at me affectionately. Mrs. Banerjee than continued “You could have tried it! It wouldn’t have done you any harm! In any case you look weak and famished! You Jains hardly eat! A Bong neighbourhood is god sent for you! You will relish my delicacies!” Mrs. Banerjee said this and smiled in self-satisfaction. Poor Mrs. Banerjee did not know what was coming. Only I knew that Mrs. Banerjee had fired first round of bullet and the return fire would come anytime! Mrs. Jain immediately blurted, without even thinking the extent of damage her return fire would inflict on the delicate Bong ego! Mrs. Jain said “God sent? You think Bengalis are God sent? My daughter fainted today morning! She fainted because she could not tolerate the smell of fish being fried in mustard oil! I had to burn incense and fragrant candles to reduce the extent of stink. Pardon me but your house reeks of the smell of mustard oil! No offence but I cannot eat anything at your house as you cook non-veg! You indulge in jeev-hatya on a daily basis! It’s a mortal sin for us Jains! We hold very strong values and are very soft hearted!”
I could see Mrs. Banerjee turning red faced! Mrs. Banerjee immediately retorted with her nostrils flaring: “Soft hearted? Strong values? Are you implying that we Bengalis are not soft hearted? Are you indicating that we do not have strong values? Come and see my library and you will see my classic collection and realize the extent of values we uphold! Have you read Karl Marx? Have you read Oscar Wilde? Do you understand Geetanjali by Rabindra nath Tagore? Do you even read your own name? And you talk about values? You go to temple every day and you think that makes you bhaluable? No ways! Is your mind a cultivated by being subjected to the finer nuances of the literally world? Just because we eat non-veg we become non-human?
I was like…wow! Mrs. Jain just returned fire and Mrs. Banerjee launched a rocket! Eet ka jawab patthar se! But Mrs. Jain was not the one who was going to take things silently. She retorted back saying,
“Look, Mrs. Banerjee…no offense, but we practice what we preach! We are pure! I did not understand half the things you said. And who was Karl Marx? Was he some Bengali Rishimuni? Who was Oscar Wilde? Did he allow Bengalis to eat non-veg? Who was Goethe? Did he permit Bengalis to use mustard oil? If your Maharajsaheb like Karl Marx and Goethe and Oscar Wilde are allowing you to eat non-veg, then I am sorry but our Maharaj Saheb are now allowing us to eat non-veg! They value life!
I blasted laughing on hearing Karl Marx was a rishi muni! But it seems Mrs. Banerjee was under some kind of hypnotic Trans! She wanted to get even with Mrs. Jain and continued wither her verbal attack! This is what Mrs. Banjerjee said,
“Goodness Gracious Lord! This lady does not know Karl Marx! You say you value life? You do not read anything and you want me to accept that you value life? You do not value intelligence and you say you value life? What is a mark of a cultivated and cultured mind? Knowledge!!! Has any Jain every won noble prize? Did a Jain participate in freedom struggle? What do you know about the current affairs? And you say you value life! Pardon me but you have wasted your life by not reading a single book until date! I think you should eat fish so that your little Jain brain starts functioning!
Mrs. Jain, immediately interrupted and said…”What?? Eat fish? Commit Jeev Hatya? Are you out of your mind Mrs. Banerjee? I have already lost face by taking a house next to a Bengali! And you want me to lose my dharma by eating fish? Just because it helps me increase my knowledge? Lose dharma and gain knowledge! You are a sinner Mrs. Banerjee! All your books will not help you save your dharma!
This was the final straw! Mrs. Banerjee lost it! Nothing is more dangerous than a spurned Bengali woman! How dare Mrs. Jain do this? In any event, in the esteemed opinion of Mrs. Banerjee, Mrs. Jain was a woman of limited intelligence! In the middle of this verbal duel, I and my mom were busy relishing the samosas! It did not matter to us who won! Mrs. Banerjee asked Mrs. Jain to leave her house immediately and told her while she was on the door “You lost your face by taking house next to me? You are so dumb…why did you take house next to me in the first place? Didn’t you realize that Banerjees are Bengalis? Why am I wasting my time by arguing with a woman who has got a peanut sized brain and who doesn’t even know who is Karl Marx!!?”
Mrs. Jain got red faced and while leaving the house blurted “I was just trying to show you the right path…the path of ahimsa and respect for life! I don’t know what is written in your fat books! I only know that you are on the wrong track and I will ensure that I teach you dharma as long as I stay here. Lastly, please close all your windows while you cook your smelly fish”
Before Mrs. Banjeree could say anything further, Mrs. Jain shut the door. My mother’s mouth was till stuffed with the Samosa and couldn’t say anything to calm Mrs. Banerjee down ;-)
This argument was just the beginning and one of the battles of the two warring neighbours! There were numerous such battles! Mrs. Jain finally sold off her flat after a decade as she reached the breaking point and Mrs. Banerjee continued reading Karl Marx and entertaining her remaining neighbours with her mustard oil delicacies ;-) I am not sure whether Mrs. Jain could ever teach Mrs. Banjerjee any of the Dharma, for Mrs. Banjerjee is still equally proud of her Macher Jhol (Fish curry) ;-)
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