Expert Ill-Advise in the Matters of Heart

It is a fiction written in a lighter vein :-) Though I must admit that I drew inspirations from events, people and settings around me

I strongly believe the Parliament should enact a strict law banning geeky bookworm Bongs in their

teenage or at any other age for that matter from dishing out advices on the matter of heart!

I firmly believe that there should be social awareness campaign enlightening college kids from taking all due precautions against their scholarly Bengali friends who roam around with fat books from interfering in their love life! You might be wondering that being a Bengali myself, what makes me adopt this extreme position (Mind you, we Bengali always live in the extremes as a matter of thumb rule ;-)) Well, my well intentioned advises during my college days led to a series of events that created a huge upheaval in the otherwise perfect life of my Tamilian friend, Rajesh Kandiyar(name changed for the purpose of protecting my wellbeing ;-))  who made a life threatening mistake of soliciting advise from me over the matters of heart.  After over a decade, my friend, out of humanitarian concern for me, says that he has forgiven me, but I believe the truth is otherwise for he still casts accusing looks at me whenever he is drunk for having lost the girl (A Gujju chick with incessant love for using the word “like I said”).

Well, to start with, something seemed fundamentally wrong! The whole episode was nothing but a series of blunder at every level:

First Blunder: Falling in love in REGAL COLLEGE!

I am sure if Rabindranath Tagore would been alive today and whiled a short period of time Regal College, he would have entirely lost his poetic mind in the dreary atmosphere of Regal College! All that he would possibly write under the suffocating atmosphere of the godforsaken college is Headstone Epitaphs that would reek of nothing but sorrow for the passing away of loved one! At best, he would be able to write a heart rending Eulogy! Mind you! I am not exaggerating! The atmosphere of Regal College was like that of a concentration camp! Forget about falling in love, a person might have easily lost faith in mankind per se within the four walls of Regal college! It is like finding love in a graveyard! It is like wanting to sing romantic Bollywood songs on a cremation ground! It was in this dreadful atmosphere that my friend fell in love! You cannot blame me for calling him weird! His love story was doomed right from the start!! L

Second Blunder: Headstrong conservative Tamilian guy falling for scattered brain fun loving Gujarati girl: 

Can you imagine what attracted my genius friend who excelled in mathematics to the Gujju blonde?

He said he was enamoured the moment he saw her in the fateful navratri festival in college during which he saw her repeatedly shaking her head horizontally while simultaneously whirling round and round with her dandyas.  To this love lost mind, there was a mathematical beauty in going round in circles while shaking head vigorously with the dandya. He thought that there was some secret Gujarati algebraic formula at work.  His love intensified with degree of head shakes which Guajarati’s excel at generally and the increasing tempo of the dandya beat.  At the end of the garba, there were tears in his eye and he fell down unconscious on account of the cupid attack.

Third blunder-He sought my advice to win this girl over

Being totally desperate to win this chick over, and having no intelligent friend around, he sought my advice to work his way out! That was the final nail in the coffin.  I mean being academically brilliant is one thing and having the common sense in the matters of heart is another. But my geeky friend failed to understand the distinction between the two and thought that I would be the best person who could resolve this.  Even now I kind of get emotional when I think about the extent of trust he reposed in me. Well, I am very generous. If someone seeks advice from me I willingly render it. So what if it is not my area of expertise? I should not be blamed!

Fourth Blunder: He implemented the plan that I chalked out for him verbatim, without even deviating from the plan of action one bit

Now let me throw light on how it all started. I do not have the heart of describing how it ended but I am gathering courage for the sake of completing this blog J

I was sitting in the library and was completely engrossed in my some interesting book of chemistry when Rajesh came and sat opposite me. He took the book away from my hand and before I could react angrily, he immediately blurted out that his soul was burning! Mind you, I do not appreciate such academic distractions! But the look on his face made me realize that he was disturbed.  I immediately asked him “What? Your soul is burning? Why? Did you fail in Mathematics? Or did someone force you to love Hindi language?  I couldn't fathom any other reason why a Tamalian’s soul would burn! Either he has to screw academically or someone would have offended his language sensibilities.  Rajesh gave a look to me which was confusing. I couldn't figure out whether he was irritated at me for failing to understand his agony or depressed on account of his troubles.   This is the way the conversation went.

Rajesh: No No Esha…the matter is grievous. I do not know how Amma will accept her?

I thought to myself.  Why was Rajesh referring to his Maths result as “her”. Agreed that he scored only 98 out of 100 in the previous semester but that would certainly not lead to his Amma rejecting his results! With this thought process running in my mind, I continued conversing.

Myself: Amma will accept her? What? Don’t worry! Amma will accept your result. You just failed to score a complete 100 by 2 marks. Agreed that this would bring shame to your community but your Amma certainly not alienate you out of your property rights.

Rajesh: No..no..you are not understanding. I am not referring to my maths result! I am talking about Tanvi Bhatt. I…I..I mean..I will be marrying her and I do not know whether Amma will agree or not. In any case, I know this is not a related topic, but for the sake of accuracy of information, I scored a 100 on 100 in mathematics and not 98 as you are so wrongfully insinuating!

The revelation of the actual problem pulled the carpet off my feet! How could this academically brilliant mind who was the torch-bearer of mathematics stoop to such a low level of wanting to get married when he was under the moral obligation to do nothing but study? This was against the strict Bong values that I professed at that stage of life.  Love and marriage were scandalous words! It almost equalled blasphemy! My Bong temper was boiling! Nevertheless, for the sake of friendship, I retained my calm and did not hit Rajesh with the book in my hand! I felt nothing but pity for him when the realization dawned on me that a bright soul was lost to a meaningless cause of love! I regained my composure and continued the conversation.

Myself:  Are you out of your mind? In any case, that is not even a valid question for the answer is obvious.  So from when did you commence this relationship with Tanvi? If I am not mistaken, I believe she is the same girl who says “Like..I said” a million times in every sentence and the one who said that the use of liquid oxygen is used for breathing in the chemistry viva?

 I said this and rolled my eye in contempt. Seeing me being contemptuous of his true love, Rajesh intervened and quickly said:

Rajesh: Oh come on esha…stop being your judgemental bong self! And I have a revelation to make! Tanvi is a genius! She is a mathematical genius! Did you see her playing the garba? The frequency of her head shake was directly proportional to the number of whirling circles and the strike of her dandyas were inversely proportional to the combined act of head shakes and circular motions! I kept a count! There was some secret formula at work. Some complicated algebraic formula of physics was at work! It was a sight of mathematical genius at dance form! I was left spellbound! Trust me Esha..I got attracted to her hidden intelligence and not to her sweet voice or cute face or near about perfect features! Trust me..I will not stoop to such a low level of making physical attraction as criteria for choosing my wife! The fact that she is beautiful is completely irrelevant!

I looked at him sympathetically! I was so wrong about dear Rajesh! Now that I am married to a Gujarati, I am enlightened about the fact that there is no algebraic formula at work in the motions of dandya, but back then, being a book worm myself, I bought Rajesh’s theory of Tanvi’s mathematical genius and instantly decided to help him win over Tanvi. This is the way the conversation continued.

Myself: So since how long are you in a relationship with her?

Rajesh: Relationship? I am not in a formal relationship with her as of yet. 

Myself: Oh…as you said that you were worried about your Amma not consenting to your marriage, I presumed that you were already in a relationship.

Rajesh: Esha…you know that I always think about all the probabilities before taking any decision. Hence, before taking this forward, I wanted your advice on how to handle the whole thing, right from proposing Tanvi to convincing my Amma.

I must say that I felt honoured, deeply honoured on having being bestowed with such an important task. Although I was completely clueless about the exact nature of my advice, I felt that I could work this out for Rajesh! How naïve was I at that stage! How wrong was I in presuming that there is a lot of difference in working out the equation of chemistry and solving the chemistry of life! This equation became all the more complicates when the variables were Gujju, Tamilian and Bengali with different level of IQs and different thought process all together!!!!

I told Rajesh not to worry about Amma. This is because if Amma would come to know about the mathematical genius of Tanvi, she would certainly relent!  This is the plan I chalked out for Rajesh. As the season of Navratri was going on, I chalked out a two staged strategy for Rajesh. I asked him to take his Amma to the Navratri festival where Tanvi would be playing dandya. When Amma would see the Mathematical Genius in full swing with her own eye, she would have tears of joy in her eye! A lot of Bong romances start in library! We bong always believe that nothing could be more romantic than being asked out when one is surrounded by books! As soon as Amma approves of her, Rajesh should propose Tanvi in the college library by gifting her new edition of the book on “Life after Death” written by Wilhem Deathly. Even though this book sounded morbid to Rajesh as a proposal gift, I drew his attention to the metaphorical significance of the book. It signified continuance of love after death! I advised Rajesh against giving a ring as it was too lame and dim-witted! It certainly did not suit my Bong sensibilities! In the process of chalking out the plan, I completely over looked the fact that subject of love under consideration was a Gujju Girl who attached a lot of importance to godforsaken American diamond rings! Her father was, after all, an artificial diamond merchant!

 

This is how it all transpired! The beginning of the end of Rajesh’s short lived love life:

In accordance with my advice, Rajesh cajoled and coaxed her mother to accompany him to the Navratri where Tanvi had gone out with all her friends post college. Rajesh almost cried with joy when he saw Tanvi shaking her head with the dandya in her hand and whirling in circles. Rajesh’s amma saw the look in Rajesh’s eye and instantly figured out what he was upto! She shot an angry look at him first and continued staring at him with indignation! Rajesh was completely oblivious to his Amma’s reaction and continued staring at Tanvi. He wanted his mother to have a better look at Tanvi and sub-consciously dragged his mother in the centre of the dandya-raas action while he was in a state of hypnotism on account of the head-shaking motions of Tanvi.  Amma was also in the state of hypnotism on account of her uncontrolled rage towards Rajesh and continued staring at him while being dragged by Rajesh towards the centre. Amma was bought out of the hypnotic state when all off a sudden she was hit by Tanvi’s dandia!!! Amma   yelped out of anger towards Rajesh and pain out of the dandya short! Rajesh yelled out of being distressed by the sudden turn of events! Tanvi yelled as she lost track of her dandya steps! The first person to regain composure was Tanvi as she immediately started off with her dandya again without bothering to ask Rajesh’s mother whether she was hurt!  Rajesh found her indifference towards her Amma’s forehead boil very insensitive! At that stage, he was not aware of devotional dedication of true Gujju’s towards Dandya! In order to avoid being hit by Tanvi again, Amma pulled Rajesh out of the garba.  The scene was comical! Rajesh was being dragged while he continued staring at Tanvi. So deep was his love that he forgot Amma’s swollen forehead and continued staring at Tanvi in reverence! Amma was no fool and she noticed all this! She made up her mind at that very moment that she would never have Tanvi for her daughter in law!

Rajesh came down to college completely dejected! As a part of the plan, I had already bought the book of “Life after Death” and was very keen that Rajesh should continue with his plan. Rajesh had informed me about the failure of the first part of the strategy over the phone but I was not taken aback! I was very much sure that the second part of the plan would succeed and that once Tanvi was convinced, we could take care of Amma.

I personally went to Tanvi to ask her to meet Rajesh in the library post the chemistry lectures! I presumed that Tanvi would be equally excited about Chemistry as me and would certainly be in the most receptive state of mind! I did not do my homework well for I later on realized that Tanvi hated chemistry and it left her terribly depressed as she just couldn’t follow the need for chemical equations! After the class, she gave me a severe look and headed towards the library.  She met Rajesh in the library! After about 10 minutes, Rajesh came out of the library with a swollen boil on his head! The boil was bigger than the one that Amma got after being hit by the Dandya.  I looked expectedly at Rajesh! I almost clapped on his back as if we won the battle! Rajesh cast a severe look at me and left college without talking to me! He bunked the college for one whole week which was extremely unlike him! I called him endlessly to ask him what went wrong! But he did not take my calls! Finally I went up Tanvi to ask her what happened in the library. This is the way our conversation went.

Myself: Hey Tanvi….I hope you do not mind me asking you what happened in the library last week.

Tanvi: When? I am like…I do not recollect going to the library.

Myself: Don’t you remember you went to the library after the chemistry class to meet Rajesh as per my request?

Tanvi (suddenly recalling): Oh yes…oh yes! I remember now! I hit that repulsive boy with the fat book that he gave me over his head!

I was shocked to hear this! Why on earth did she hit Rajesh with the book? I got angry and asked her what was wrong? The conversation so continued.

Myself: Why did you hit him? He is such a mathematical genius? You both are made for each other! He told me about your dandia prowess and the hidden mathematical genius!

Tanvi rolled her eye and said:  Are you serious? Was he proposing to me? I thought that he was threatening me! He gave me a book titled “Life After Death” I mistakenly hit his mother with a dandya and I thought he was getting even with me by throwing a hint at me that my life was soon going to end and that I should be prepared for life after death! I hit him in self defence!

Myself: What? What are you saying? Didn’t he propose to you while handing over the book? It was so romantic! This book! How could you feel threatened? It was a metaphorical gift!

Tanvi: Metaphorical? I don’t understand the meaning? Is it a brand? This book “metaphorical”? He told me that he intends to take this equation to its logical end! Can you believe it! Logical end! He wanted to end my life! And you talk about romance? Proposal? Where were the roses? Where was the ring? Where was the wine? Where was the music? I could have considered his proposal even if he would have proposed to me while I was playing dandia! But proposing in the library is not happening!

She said this and walked away with an air of arrogance! I was left stranded with my blood boiling! How could she find the book “Life after Death” unromantic! A Bengali girl would have instantly agreed! At the risk of being labelled as judgemental, I immediately concluded that this girl was dim witted!

Nevertheless, Rajesh’s first true love was lost for ever! It took Rajesh 3 whole months to resume his conversation with me! After being married to a Gujju now, I can now understand why she hit Rajesh with that book! However, for a decade, I could not figure out where I went wrong in my advice!  J J J

In you want to save yourself from being assaulted by a Bong, please take my advice about the fact that you should refrain from taking advice from your Bong friends in the matters of heart! J 

Reviews

[Ashwin Thakur]

Ha ha
Thats an hearty story
Written like a true girl
Ands that awesome:):):)