You know You're Fat When...

This isn't a story. I have no idea what this nonsense is.

Go ahead and stop weighing yourself! Avoid your reflection. Buy stock in Lycra.
One day it will hit ya' like a pound of lard , or seep in like melting butter... nonetheless fatty, you'll know it when:

~You go to a restaurant and the maitre d' eyeballs you from head to toe, then shouts to the busboy "we'll need a table, not a booth!"

~Leaving the restaurant, you no longer require a "doggy bag".

~After cleaning your plate, you turn to your dining companion and ask, "are you going to finish that?".

~Loosening your top button after a meal has become habitual.

~At a backyard barbecue (party, etc.), you rise from the plastic resin chair you're in, and your butt fails to eject it.

~You sit in a plastic resin chair and it collapses.

~Your plastic resin chair is the closest one to the chips and dip.

~You make sure no one double dips, because if they do, it will be you doing it.

~Children gleefully announce "Mommy! Mommy! Look at the fat man/lady!!", and you notice you and mommy are the only adults in close proximity.

~When you finally find new swimming attire that doesn't make you look like a cased sausage, you're outraged it's tag costs $5 more than the next size down.

~You roll your eyes in disgust, thinking the store's manager must be a buffoon as you kneel way down to the bottom rack to reach the apparel in your size- then wonder if you can sue because you cant get back up.

~One of your in-laws/relatives comments to you "Well I think it's just great that they've started making bathing suits for everyone".

~Ever so buoyant, pool toys are a thing of the past, you're a professional floater.

~(for women) You are affectionately patted on the belly, and asked "Awww....so when are you due?"- and you're not pregnant <--Actually, this has been said to some men too.

~(for women)You're mom says to you "Oh honey, that's just left over baby fat! Off in a cinch!"- and your last child has just started kindergarten. Or high school.

~(for men)Only you  were asked to be Santa this year at the company party.

~You have made people perspire, (and sometimes run away) by asking "does this make my butt look big?"

~You notice your athletic shoes are tied with the bows off center....they now face your inner thighs because that was the easiest way to tie them.

~You love slip-on shoes.

~After tying your shoes (or shaving your legs, or painting your toenails-women) you feel a sense of satisfaction: You just got your exercise for the week.

~Sir Mix-a-Lot did wonders for your sex life when fans embraced his hit song praising big butts. Baby Got Back is now your self deemed anthem.

~You and your lover prefer alternative sexual positions, and it's not because you're feeling kinky.

~You have to go through turnstiles sideways...and sometimes still get stuck.

~After a long flight, as you're getting off the plane, you finally get a good look at the passenger next to you. You don't know whether to feel as though you've just been violated, or ask them for their phone number.

~You step aboard a crowded elevator and the passengers next to you nervously continue to glance up at the maximum weight allowance sign.

~You have discovered you can pick up objects with your feet, and prefer to do so rather than bending over.

~You contemplate an objects importance as it rolls under your desk or bed. To retrieve or not to retrieve?

~McGeyver would be proud of the devices you've concocted to reach that decidedly all important object.

~When that device just isn't long enough, and that object is really important...You have been stuck longer than 5 minutes under your desk or bed, or may have even called for assistance.

~You emerge drenched in sweat, and short of breath after your adventure under your desk or bed (if you received assistance, they're sweating too).

~The photos of yourself you posted on Facebook are either from the neck up, over 10 years old, or they're of your dog.

~Your car has bumper stickers that read "I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet", or "Fat people are hard to kidnap!" or  "I'm Famine Resistant!"