3 months later...

you might thered be some clarity after a few, but, no. there was even more insane thoughts that followed

3 months later

 

… then it becomes clear
to me
what it was that
I was after.
Confirmation.
My beliefs,
or greatest fears
proved true
or they seem to
now
even when I’m
in the best mood
I’ve been in months.


Fatalism is the ends and means of my life.


And so it shall,
I will endeavour on this journey
carry on
with this story
of what’s left
3 and a half years
or not quite yet.
But more or less
the Plan will go ahead
   (suicide)
Nobody laughed
and no one cried
the day it happened
 (the day I died)
and I find this fitting
like a tailor-made hat
that it happened like that
not with a bang
but with a clap

like when curtains
draw
in a Jacobean play
an applause is called
to order
John Webster
and no lesser
man than he
would be sort
to retell this narrative
with all its alliterations
and psychopathy:
the unmasked pain
like crooked teeth
handsome grin
a looking glass
broken hearts
on strings
the night of the hurricane
when she cuts her wrists with glass
the unhooked frame
the alcohol
and smoking
unfinished books and plays
never-ending days
and when we wake
when the dead awake
we/they wake
dreaming of the Devil
(in fright)
the silver-coloured skies
and cold blistering nights.
The army has surrendered
the ghosts
though �" they fight
and fight
and on and on
for eons; and eons ago
they made a pact
to not let go
of the guilt and shame
of blame
frame
rushing train (Tokyo)
snowy afternoons
and bickering
in the hallways
the dreary hours (Saitama)
and electric classes
half-filled glasses
remain
on the plain
the frame
unhooked but
well maintained
insane
bugs in the brain
a refrain
no blame
no shame
invariably,
insane.

 

2015.

Author's Note

"the Plan" was suicide. i was going to wait 3.5 more years to do it. this was nine years ago.

"the electric classes" i was an english teacher at the time. i was really good at it too, if i can say so myself.

Reviews

[Lorry]

Well I'm glad that didn't come to fruition and you find peace in your "unquiet mind", which is a fantastic book by Kat Red field Jameson, who has suffered as what she proudly claims to be "madness" and is one of the worlds leading experts on the matter.
If you ever feel like that again, just think of all the unwritten adventures and places to visit, then do them snd write them!

[Lorry]

...amendment... her name is Kay Red field Jameson. My bad.

[Sami Khalil]

Well, you made a pact to live and not look down the barrel of suicide; good choice, hindsight 20/20.
Your tailor made hats fit the situations the author has been in; just suit up for more.
At least the train has a destination and poetry has an inclination.
Marvelous!