Journey

i wrote this for one of my english peices for my hsc (final year of school in australia). i just have to remember it now and all will be good lol. the story had to relate to journey in some way

 

            The landscape flew past the window like an old film strip, crackly and jumpy. Untouched by everything. Perfect. The birds flew in perfect formation, gracefully dancing into new positions. A practiced dance. The light of the sun reflecting like diamonds on the surface of a lakes rippling surface. Mesmerised as I was by the slow, calm pace of life beyond the glass, my thoughts were dragged back inside the train carriage by a little girl skipping down the aisle. Her blonde head bobbing with her light-hearted step.

          As she reached my lonely seat, she stopped there. Turning gracefully, for a young child. She only smiled sweetly and in her tiny child’s angelic voice said, “Hello.” Automatically a smile spread my face. An ever increasing action of mine. Before I had a chance to return her easy greeting, she continued on skipping down the aisle. This time her blonde head reminding me of my journey. The reason for this train ride; to visit my friend Anne. It was such a similar blonde to her; Anne. Friend.

          If I had seen that girl just two weeks ago, n smile would have spread my face, and my only thought would probably have been something like, “annoying little child, why can’t her parents control her better.” There would definitely have not have been even the smallest notion to return her greeting.

          Two weeks ago I would have said I have no friends. ‘Friends’ would have been more correct. Caring was also a word that had not been part of my vocabulary. I’d have been lying if I had said that I cared for anything but my work.

          I had thought they had been lying when they said they cared. ‘They,’ being my work colleagues.

          Anne had always been kind to me, though I had thought it had been a ‘suck up’ act. Amazing how quickly something can change. It takes just one moment. You can’t predict it.

 

***

(One and a half weeks earlier)

 

          Rain. Rain, rain and, yes, you guessed it. More rain. The whole week and the week before. My heels are killing my feet and stupid umbrella does nothing but keep my hair dry. Great lot of good that’s going to do me. Oh, and then there’s Anne jabbering away about the meeting. Like I would have missed any of it. It involves work, and work is my life. To think, she thinks we’re – how do I say this – friends. Such a pointless concept.

          “Yes, Anne. I remember. I was there remember,” I blatantly point out, without looking up from the wet grey walkway.

          “Yes I remember. Nevertheless, it was brilliant don’t you think?” she replied, walking away from my side for a moment to avoid an ever growing puddle.

          Sighing, I realised that she actually wanted a response. I thought I was over-excited about work. Apparently Anne shares a similar interest of mine.

          “Mmhmm,” I replied, hoping to end the conversation there. “Anne, where are you going? I thought you said we we’re going somewhere fairly close.”

          Peeking a sidelong glance I noticed a flash of her eyes and a small smirk forming, “I said it would be worth the walk.”

          Why I agreed to go to lunch with her, I have no idea, but I had and now I was stuck walking in the rain.

          “It’s just over here. Other side of the road. If we’re quick we can make it now.”

          With a glint of anger in my eyes, I caught a glint of silver through the sheeting rain. Anne is smarter than that, she’ll wait, I thought.

          I thought it only once more before the car hit. It’s silver bonnet folding inward only slightly; it had managed to slow a little before impact. Yet no human body was made to withstand that.

          No, no, no, no, no! The constant chant echoed around my head. My eyes entranced by the scene before me. A headlight had fallen off the car, its glass from the light shattering and mingling with the rain. Adding its own glassy dance to the rain’s wet one. In my frozen state, I began to feel disembodied. Like I was watching from above, rather than the sideline.

          Anne had flown backward, landing with a splash on the wet road. Through the downpour, I heard and even louder crack. I saw myself wince at the sound.

          Someone sprinted past me to where Anne lay, semi-conscious, sprawled in the rain. By the time the paramedic got to her she was unconscious. A deep crimson red, spreading an intricate halo of colour onto the black road around her motionless head.

          I broke forward. Towards where Anne lay, to be caught in the arms of a police officer.

          “Stand back, Miss, this is an accident, and we need space to work.”

          “I work with her,” I snapped. I had thought it just rain that was smearing my make-up down my face, yet it was the warmth of every second drop, that alerted me to my now hysterical state.

          “Well, you can travel with her to the hospital.

          I broke. The sobs broke out and the tears came even stronger, creating rivers over my pained expression.

          The police man led me to the ambulance and helped me into the front seat.

          Barely aware of anything around me. I only faintly heard Anne being pushed into the back on the stretcher bed. Stiff neck collar in place, oxygen being forced into her lungs at 15 litres a minute.

          Seeing her in a near death state made something in me click. She was a friend. A true friend. I could now honestly say that I cared for her. There was no ‘suck up’ act. She was kind and I had been cruel. Not anymore though. I had changed.

          Maybe I could be better.

          When we arrived at the hospital I was taken to my own bed where I, too, was put on oxygen, only 8 litres a minute. They told me I was being treated for severe shock, as convulsion racked my weak form.

          Detached. Almost.

 

***
(present)

 

          I realised even a short journey to lunch, can change your attitude and world. She skipped down the aisle again, her blonde hair bobbed in rhythm to her carefree skip. Again a smile broke over my face. Anne had been transferred to a hospital that specialise in head injuries.

          I looked to my right, watching as the film strip of the outside world crackled past with the squeal of the train’s brakes beginning to be pulled. The birds danced into another formation. Turning sideways on the bright azure backdrop, towards the golden sun. Though I could not feel it, I saw a light breeze rustle the individual blades of grass, and realised how important even the smallest journey can be. Each to its own. Danced their way into tomorrow.

Author's Note

please tell me what you think of the story, as something that could be used a creative writing for my major exam in my final year of school.

Reviews

[Captain Blackheart (The..]

I wish I had read this earlier. What can I say except wow, I mean wow. I'm almost speachless. Your description of events are wonderful, the story is told at just the right pace. I found myself hooked. I really liked the way you told the story. Its amazing how much we take for granted, until something changes our lives or moves us in such a way we alter our perceptions. A great write!

[Kate Green]

wow that was really good :)
i liked the use of detachment from the narrator

[Sarah]

This was a cute story, and the way it was set up worked well, to show the transition between the character not caring about Anne, to realizing that she really could care about people. =) However, I did feel like the transition was a little rushed - perhaps a scene where the narrator was talking to Anne in the hospital, or some inner-thoughts about why she'd been so closed to making friends in the first place (besides being obsessed with work), would have helped this a bit.^^ Regardless, it was a cute read! =)

[Gary H]

this is very good. it's a very concise story. there's a couple of sentences that maybe could do with clarification. you have included all the major storytelling parts - colours, speech, characters, descriptions etc.

hope this works for you. good luck.

[Kena Dawn Augustine]

wow, this is a strong piece of work here. How old are you? You write well above your age.

It was a twist when Anne was hit by the car, I wasn't expecting it, and the impact hit me as well.

I liked this part:

" I looked to my right, watching as the film strip of the outside world crackled past with the squeal of the train's brakes beginning to be pulled..."

(that is a strong sentence right there. Very imaginative. As a good writer should be.)

If they don't give you an 'A' for that piece, they are crazy.

kena

This is a very powerful piece. I liked how things come together.

The introduction was written well and the concept has come together well as well.

I need some stronger reason on why is she found annoying, and how this annoying thing of hers becomes a lovable trait, perhaps, over the accident itself, which might have been over pity.

But I love the story, This is a wonderful piece.