Chapter 3: My Struggle With Suicide

This is my story of my struggle with suicide.

My struggle with suicide started when my mom was still married to my second step-father. It began just as thoughts. Wondering what it would be like or if anyone would miss me. Would they even notice I was gone? This was also the point in my life where I turned away from God. I would go to church with my family and hear stories about this God that loves everyone and then I looked at my life. If he loved my why would he let all this crap happen? As my thoughts progressed I started cutting. Just enough to draw some blood and cause pain and not enough to scar. For a while this helped. But soon cutting wouldn't even help and I knew where my grandparents hid the gun in the house. I started getting it out when no one was home and I would put it to my head. I would imagine pulling the trigger and finally getting out of this life, but I never did. One day it got really bad. I had a terrible day, had a fight with my mom, angry with friends, I just felt more alone than ever. I went upstairs and got the gun, but this time I was ready; I was ready to leave. I stuck it to my head an cocked it and put my finger on the trigger. I sat there crying for probably fifteen minutes and I talked to God for the first time in years. I cursed him for making me feel like that and begged him that if he was there to save me. I waited for something miraculous to happen and it didn't come in the loud thundering voice I had expected, but a small voice inside me. Suddenly I could think of hundreds of reasons of why not to kill myself. I didn't take it as an answer to my prayer at that point in my life, but I do now. The thoughts slowly started to come to me less and less and I started to just go with the flow and try to live life the best I could. I had hinted at my struggle with suicide to a couple of friends, but they were far from helpful. I hated it when they would give me Bible verses talking about suicide. I resented everything to do with God. Then we moved to Colorado. My mom had taken me from the place I felt comfortable and moved me to a place where I didn't only know no one, but I was living with strangers. This is when the thoughts came back. I started cutting again and just wishing I could die. I was so sick of everything. Then my mom forced me to go to youth group at our new church there. I figured it would be like our one back in Iowa and i would just sit and ignore the youth leader for a half an hour and then get the heck away from them. But, this youth group was different. Right from the start they made me feel welcome and I started hearing their stories about addiction and failure and brokenness. And at the same time they were giving all glory to God. After a couple months of going there I opened up to one of the youth leaders and just poured my heart to him. He shared his story with me and prayed for me and I started to believe in God again. And eventually he came to me one day when I was just cleaning the house and listening to music and I was overwhelmed and fell on my knees. I gave my life to him that day. And since then the thoughts have stopped.
This is the story of my struggle with suicide. I hope in some little way that I can help people that read this. And if you are going through this or have went through this, know that there is hope. God does care. He is there. And he wants to be a part of your life. And if you ever feel alone feel free to message me. I would love to talk and pray for you.

Reviews

[Kelly M.]

This reminded me a lot of my church family... and made me realize yet again of how blessed I am to have a second family like that, people that are just as broken as me and fail daily like I do, but are open about it!! :)

I love hearing people's testimonies (have I said that already? Might as well say it again. It was just as true before as it is now). I have no doubt this will move dozens of people, because everyone, from a stranger on the street to a close friend, goes through things just like this, often when we don't even know! I find it so beautiful that God takes our mess and turns it into a message, which is obvious in how you're writing for Him with this!

You're a light to this site!! Thank you!

[Erik Daniel]

Wow! Thank you so much!

[A. Amos]

That's the spirit bro, as always love your testimony and now your God chosen soldier for helping others and who can better calm their mind..better than you..

[Erik Daniel]

Thanks man!

[Imogen.E]

Faith is a funny thing. It's always there at the back of our minds but some never find it, or loose it. I have lost faith in times when I wish that is had more of it. You are a very strong person and may God bless you :)

[Erik Daniel]

Thank you so much! God bless you too!

[Tina Louise UK]

I am so happy that you found strength, having faith is so powerful...you are fortunate to find it my friend. Stay strong :) x

[Erik Daniel]

Thank you so much!

[Praveeta]

This is an inspirational story where your faith in God was restored. Also, for you being courageous in overcoming depression.

[Erik Daniel]

Thank you!

[Praveeta]

You are welcome.

[❤ Maggie ❤..]

Erik, this is so awesome. I love that you're sharing your story with others. You have such a good head on your shoulders, I think it's such an inspiration, how you handle everything that you've been through. The best way to help people is to let them know that they aren't alone in their struggles. This was so good. Great job with this. I can definitely see God working through you.

[Erik Daniel]

Thank you so much Maggie!

[❤ Maggie ❤]

You're welcome! :)

[Stefanie Holmes]

This was very touching to read Erik. The fact that you are sharing such detailed parts of your life with everyone is a true testament to you as a person. Everyone has a personal struggle in life that can consume them and i think the fact that you are sharing this will help others know that there is hope out there no matter what you are struggling with.
Thank you for sharing.

~Stefanie

[Erik Daniel]

Thank you for your review! Means a lot!

[Stefanie Holmes]

You're welcome!

[Linda alexander]

Youth is the real treasure of any nation, it is horrible we are loosing those treasures in any form, in that perspective if one person is saved by this writing, it is an astonishing reward for this write, you are brave to write so openly, thanks for sharing

[Erik Daniel]

Thank you! That is my hope that at least one person will be saved.

[Linda alexander]

There is plenty of chances for that, you most welcome, my pleasure

[Devesh]

You're a lovely person, Erik. This was heartwarming. C.S. Lewis has something to say:

"Isn’t God supposed to be good? Isn’t God supposed to love us? And does God want us to suffer? What if the answer to that question is yes? ’Cause I’m not sure that God particularly wants us to be happy. I think he wants us to be able to love and be loved. He wants us to grow up. I suggest to you that it is because God loves us that he makes us the gift of suffering"

[Erik Daniel]

Amen! Thank you so much man!

[Devesh]

You're welcome! =)