I hate myself

A Story by eransodhi

I refused to let him see me cry.I wasn't just going to show him that i was weak.I had to keep some pride after everything he had said to me.No matter how badly i wanted to just beg for him to keep me to love me i knew that was not going to happen. His words had already hurt me enough. I just couldnt bear any more. I took a deep breath and flashed the fakest smile his way. "Thanks for ruining my life," i said and walked past him. Dont look back. Keep your head held high. Walk like you own the place. I repeated this again and again in my brain. Finally i was out of there. Just as i opened the front door a cool breeze hit me and slowly the tears came trickling out.
I couldnt hold them any longer. I tried to smile but all i could do was frown. The only thing i was feeling was deep deep hurt. The hurt of being rejected,the hurt of loving someone who doesnt feel the same for you,the hurt of having your heart broken into tiny tiny pieces with words. I was hopeless and felt as if a part of me was just missing.
The uncontrollable tears werent helping either
All i wanted to do was crawl into bed and never come out again. Never to face the world again. One person had changed me entirely. From a mean selfish person to a desperate and broken one.
I went home and went straight to bed. I dont know how long i cried after that. I would be silent one minute and the next i would star crying all over again remembering something. Hell! I was a total mess. I loved him so much that it hurt. Everything i thought of just somehow reminded me of him.
I hate myself for falling for him.
I hate myself for being so blind.
I hate myself for never looking at the facts
I hate myself for believing that everything would work out
I hate myself for dreaming a whole future together
But i hate myself the most for not being able to hate him