If At First You Don't Succeed..

If at first you don't succeed,
Try, try again.
But how many times have I tried?
Maybe like ten.
The blade won't cut through.
The pills don't do s**t.
The belt around my neck
Just won't fit.
Drinking the bleach
Just burns my throat.
Drowning myself?
No, I just float.
Eating rat poison
Just makes my tummy hurt.
Having the gun in my hand
Gives me comfort.
Pointing it to my temple
Just makes me delighted,
But pulling the trigger
Makes me frightened.

Author's Note

Hope you enjoyed. Feel free to comment anything that would seem to make it better. I respect criticism but don't go too far as to insult me. I will not tolerate it. Thank you!
P.S.>Should I keep it up? This is just a test run or something like that.

Reviews

[WhereItResides]

It's a good poem, and definitely keep it up, that is the only way to get better.
The poem could do with better imagery. Throw some figurative language in to add some flare and description. I agree with Eric, get rid of the word tummy, not only is it silly it just doesn't fit well with the rest of the poem. If the entire piece was darkly humorous then it would, but it just sits out of place as it is. Still, it is a good, dark poem.

Courtesy of the Constructive Critics.

[Eric Pudalov]

Another great piece, K! I would definitely say keep it up. The only suggestion I might have to make it better is that the word "tummy" seems out of place (although if you meant it to be darkly humorous, you succeeded in that).

It's just that the rest of the images are very dark, and kind of disturbing, and I think a word like "stomach" might fit better. And one other thing: since it's a rhyming poem (and if I'm not mistaken, a spoken word piece), you may want to play around with the words "delighted" and "frightened."

They kind of rhyme, which is a technique in poetry as well, but since the other lines rhyme really well, I would find a different word (or possibly a different line) for the end. Here's an example that may help:

Pointing it to my temple
Just makes me [feel] delighted,
But I don't think that I'm ready
For God and me to be reunited.

Nonetheless, I really like the poem overall, and I really encourage you to keep writing (and performing, if you like to do that too)! I think you'd be great in a slam, if you're up to being in front of an audience.

[K. Barrios]

Really? I think I'll try it!! :D

[K. Barrios]

thank you :)