Charlie and the Second Life

Charlie has just died after a mix up in a restaurant. Perhaps this is what heaven is really like???

Chapter 5

(He's just died in case you are wondering what's going on!)

I was surprised to find myself standing in a small lobby area on a white marble floor. There was no way in or out, no windows or doors, just white walls and a stainless steel lift with no lights or buttons. There was a ping sound and the lift doors opened. Inside was a boy lift attendant wearing a smart blue uniform.

'Goin' up mister?' The boy just about managed a sarcastic smile and gestured me to step inside.

'I suppose so.' I walked into the lift and saw there were still no buttons on the inside. 'Where am I?'

The boy rolled his eye.

'Here we go, same old question every time. You geezers never fink of something original to say. Just once I'd like someone to tell me a joke or somefink.' The doors closed and I had the faint sensation of moving. 'Been doing this miserable job for gawd knows how many years, and only because I picked a few pockets mind, still I get the weekends off, and all people ever say is "where am I".' He peered up at me suspiciously. 'Been getting a lot of brown Englishmen lately, you are definitely English right?'

'I was born in London if that's what you mean?'

'Yeah me too. Still there weren't no brown people in my day, a lot of dirty faces of course, the lads who cleaned the chimneys and stuff. You didn't clean chimneys I suppose?'

I was beginning to get irritated.

'You didn't answer my question, where am I?'

The boy didn't seem to be listening.

'Ollie Clark was brown, but that was only because he was covered in s**t most of the time.' The boy looked distracted and smiled. 'Worked in the sewers he did. Got a right shock when he finally kicked the bucket and turned up in my lift, he was nearly forty of course, but still covered in s**t.'

I decided to interrupt him and did my best to look threatening.

'If you don't tell me where I am right now I will probably lose my temper.'

There was another ping sound and we began to slow down. The boy smiled and stepped aside from the door.

'You'll find out soon enough.' The door slid gently open to reveal what looked like a huge and very busy airport terminal. 'Good luck mate.' He said. 'You get a ticket from the front counter and then wait to be called to a checking in desk.'

I didn't muster a reply. As airport terminals go, this was definitely the biggest and shiniest airport terminal I had ever seen, chrome and stainless steel mingled with tastefully designed black and white furnishings. I collected a ticket first and made a mental note of my number, and then found a comfortable chrome and black fabric sofa to sit on. I needed to sit down. Just like an airport, there were televisions screens suspended from the high ceiling to tell me who was at which desk and how quickly the tickets were being processed. The desks were mostly populated by ladies in staff uniforms, they looked like nurses and wore small blue hats. The customers were an altogether different case; mostly quite elderly and mostly wearing pyjamas, and a few younger ones in a variety of work or casual clothing. It was a small comfort to see that they all looked very confused, and it wasn't long before I was alerted to go to aisle four desk number nine. My receptionist wore a name badge, and I dutifully handed my ticket to a lady called Selina. She read the ticket and tapped the number onto a computer screen.

'A bank manager Mister Grimshaw. Well now, we don't get many bank managers up here.' She tapped her colleague's shoulder at desk number ten. 'A bank manager Doris. When did we last get a bank manager Doris?'

'Ooh I couldn't say Lena, must be at least a year since we had a bank manager. They usually take the other lift.' Doris gave me a quizzical look and then smiled. 'Pleased to meet you I'm sure.' Doris returned to her own computer and pressed for a new customer.

'Food poisoning Mister Grimshaw.' Selina continued. 'You know it isn't the first time we've had someone in from that restaurant. I reckon they should get the inspectors in to sort the place out. Was it the crab meat salad Mister Grimshaw?'

'Grimshaw?'

'That other bloke had a shellfish platter.' Selina pressed another button on the computer and frowned. 'Must say you look awfully young for sixty eight Mister Grimshaw, do you use any moisturisers or special diets? My mother used to give us leeches when we were kids, horrid things, can't say it did my skin any good.'

It dawned on me that there was a significant problem.

'My name's Parker. Charlie Parker.'

Selina giggled and pressed another button.

'Of course you are Mister Grimshaw. Them jazz musicians are very exciting aren't they? I was lucky enough to meet Benny Goodman quite recently in one of those fancy coffee shops. He's an American you know.' Selina decided to whisper the bit about America.

I took a deep breath and tried again to explain myself.

'Selena. I think there's been a mistake.'

'A mistake Mister Grimshaw? I really don't think so, there hasn't been a mistake here since nineteen forty eight. Who was that man in the spare bedroom Doris? His wife was having an affair and we picked up the boyfriend instead?'

'Ooh that was terribly funny. Poor man completely vanished.'

I could feel a sense of panic rising inside as Doris and Selina started giggling again and I couldn't help but interrupt. I could feel my voice getting louder as each panic stricken word tumbled out.

'Look. I am not Mister Grimshaw. My name is Charlie Parker. And I didn't order the bloody fish!' I thumped the counter and the whole terminal seemed to suddenly plunge into silence. I could feel hundreds of eyes peering at me and if a pin had been dropped it would have made a mighty sound. The silence was finally broken by a man in a dressing gown standing at desk number ten.

'Well I didn't order a bloody heart attack mate, but I'm dead now and that's that.'

'Dead?'

Selina began to giggle again and pressed another button causing a printer to burst into action.

'Welcome to heaven Mister Grimshaw.' She handed me a form and a glossy catalogue. 'Just sign at the bottom and one of the porters will show you to your accomodation.'

'Selina. You keep calling me Mister Grimshaw and I am not Mister Grimshaw. You only said a second ago I looked young for sixty eight and that is because I am forty. My name is Charlie Parker and I am forty. I am absolutely definitely completely totally not Mister Grimshaw.'

Selina paused and stared at me for a while.

'But Mister Grimshaw, the computer says...'

'The computer.' I took a deep irritated breath. 'Is wrong.'

Selina's lip wobbled. She tapped at the computer screen again.

'Born in Portsmouth?'

'London.'

'Married to Dorothy?'

'Marianne.'

'Rescued a boy from drowning off Brighton Pier in nineteen sixty nine?'

'Selina. I wasn't even born in nineteen sixty nine.'

Selina tapped at the screen again and sighed.

'I don't suppose you'd sign the sheet anyway Mister Grimshaw? Only I haven't had my tea break yet and there's going to be a plane crash in half an hour.'

'My name, is Charlie Parker.'

'Please?'

It was the kind of please that in so many cases would be hard to resist. It contained a very long ease, and was accompanied by puppyish brown eyes and a trembling bottom lip suggesting she might cry at any moment. I also realised she was literally asking me to sign my life away.

'No.'

She sighed and took back the form.

'I had better ring my supervisor. Have a seat in the Limbo Lounge and I'll see if she can see you straight away.'

   

Reviews

[Eoin Lemon]

Am I allowed to review it? Well, probably the greatest thing since sliced bread. If it is only half as good as Charlie and the Perfect Wife, then it will be a masterpiece!