The Future I Couldn't See

The Future I Couldn’t See

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It’s so strange but sometimes..

It feels as if the odds are in our favor.

Perhaps it’s all coincidence.

But sometimes I wonder if it’s otherwise.

As a kid I went to a wedding.

I don’t remember very much of it.

But I do remember some details.

I remember when it turned night.

It was so crowded.
And so many people were dancing.

I was being pulled around to meet new people.

I still don’t remember who they all were.

Cousins, I assume.

I had enough cousins to make an army.

It was such a large venue.

With lights that hung from the ceiling.

And I remember how happy she looked.

I wish she could feel that happy again.

My sister on the other hand.

She didn’t have a big wedding.

Or much of one at all.

She never much liked people.

So she and her husband signed papers.

Waited for an hour outside an old building.

And that was it.

My great-grandmother left me two rings.

One she had bought for me before I was born.

And the other.. It was her wedding ring.

I never knew what to think.

I had sworn for years that I would never get married.

That I would never consider the thought.

But when she told me that, I considered it.

Because how could I let such a thing go unworn?

How could I let that gift,

Be forgotten?

When I used to visit my grandfather.

He would tease me, asking, 

“So how’s your boyfriend?”

I merely laughed it off.

Because I didn’t have one.

Eventually I had “dated” a few people.

But it never got serious.

I never let it.

They never truly felt right.

I sort of tested each one.

To see how they would treat certain situations.

And I watched, silently judging.

That’s why I never let them get close.

Never let them touch me.

Because I learned that I couldn’t trust them.

Every single time.

I would be proved right about them.

That they would never care for me.

Not in the way that I would care for them.

Then I met you.

And I was able to connect,

With all of our other friends.

But you were different.

I looked at you,

And I thought nothing.

You were just another person.

Just like any other person I had talked to.

But at the same time.

I couldn’t look away.

And I didn’t know why.

So I merely assumed, 

That I didn’t like you.

Not like the others did.

But then you joined me one day.

You said you were going to do a wl run.

And you invited me with you.

I figured it couldn’t hurt.

But as we began to talk.

I began to see you differently.

I remember how surprised I was.

When we began to talk about books.

We were in the Golden Wasteland.

And we were there standing in one place.

For a very long time.

But I didn’t want to say anything.
I didn’t want you to realize.

Because then we would have to leave.

And the conversation would’ve been over.

Hours passed and you had to leave soon.

I knew it.

So I took a small chance.

And I invited you to come with me.

To see a place that I hadn’t shown anyone else.

I did that on purpose.

Because I see small gestures like that to be special.

And I didn’t know why.

But I wanted you to see it that way too.

Little did I know..

You did.

We stayed there for a while.

Coming back each day to talk.

Yet each time it felt as if time simply flew by.

I wished that time could stand still.

Then a week later,

I gave you my number.

Which was not something I did often.

If something had happened like that before.

I would’ve simply disappeared from your life.

And you would have forgotten about me.

But I knew I would have regretted that.

So I gave it to you.
I didn’t really expect a text.

Honestly, it felt like it was a bit of a stretch.

But you texted me.

I texted back.

And now we both can’t stop.

We constantly wanted to talk to each other.

And now it’s grown to something more.

But I need you to know.

That I’ve never felt like this before.

I like getting distracted by your laugh.
How happy you sound.

It’s one of the small things that I look forward to.

Every single day.

And I have never felt so strongly before.

Never this quickly.

But I wouldn’t lie to myself.

I couldn’t let myself forget about someone like you.

Even if parts of me thought that I didn’t deserve to.

That none of it would work.

That it wasn’t meant to be.

Because I had the same fears you did.

But for different reasons.

I thought that..

You would never consider me.

Specifically for those reasons.

That I would never stand a chance.

Yet still, I hoped.

Now when I imagine my future.

I don’t see myself being alone.

Not anymore.

And I don’t care what it looks like.

If we travel, or if we don’t.

If you spoil me with gifts,

Or we don’t have the money to do so.

It doesn’t matter to me.

I just want to be right next to you.

No matter the cost.