I Love You, I'm Sorry

I Love You, I’m Sorry

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Sometimes I wonder if you love me.

If after all of this time, you still think of me.

That maybe you could still care for me.

If you ever did to begin with.

I finally found you.

After 17 years of searching.

I found you.

And it broke my heart.

I read the page about you.

You like art.

You like books.

And when I saw your face.

You looked like me.

And it broke my heart when I realized.

You have kids.
After all of these years.

You’re remarried and have kids.

I never knew.

You lived a normal life.

Without a care in the world for me.

And that broke me.

For months I had been in some sort of trance.

Not really caring as the world around me just..

Crashes down.

So many days I’ve held thoughts that-

I wish I could take it back.

It didn’t help that I was the one who did the dishes everyday.

That was when it was always worse.

Washing the silverware.

And I’d just sort of stare.

I would never do anything.
I wasn’t stupid.

I knew better.

But the thought often occured. 

Until recently.

I’ve had things to look forward to.

And I haven’t had the thoughts anymore.

I’ve felt more normal than I have in years.

I was always scared of getting married.

And I think I finally know why.

Because I’ve finally realized.

You will never make it to my wedding.

And the mere thought of it hurts.

You will never know how I turned out.

Even if you considered it after all of these years.

We can’t turn back the clock.

I hate that I still care about what you think.

I never care about what others think of me..

But you?

You were everything to me.

But now I’ve found someone that makes me happy.

And I’ve begun to wonder.

That if it ever becomes something.

Would you be there to see any of it?

Would you even want to?

Would I want you to?

I’m just so scared.

How can I really get these things that I dream of?

And I wish I had you to talk to about it.

About how I think I’ve finally been able to trust again.

To let myself care again.

To love again..

And you aren’t here.

I hate it.

I hate all of it.

It just sucks.

Maybe it’s too soon to say.

But I just have this feeling.

Like when you know someone is going to be in your life.

For who knows how long-

And it makes you wonder.

How long do they plan on staying?

And how close to you do they plan on being?

Especially when they seem so..

Right.

You know?

Because how could they say things like that-

And be your friend.

And you’ll never know about this.

Because you aren’t here.

You don’t know anything about me.

And you lost me when you left me alone in a house with a man.

I don’t need to remember everything to guess what had happened to me.

It’s pretty f*****g clear.

I guess thats why the ethical question was created..

Would you choose the man or the bear?

You chose the man.

But it turns out he was a different kind of animal.

So I became guarded.

I could never fully love someone.

For the longest time.

I always grew scared of something about them.

But now?

Something has changed.

And perhaps some part of me has always known.

I let my curiosity grow.

And now I’m happy.

At long last..

Right?