The Things I Wanted

The Things I Wanted

____________________________

I hate you. I mean why am I still here? Why do I still bother with you? Tied by blood and drawn out by name. Let’s be honest here. You never wanted anything to do with me. And you ruined me. And now I’m this horrible version of myself that I try to hide from the world. I feel so alone because of you. I will never have that bond or truly know what it means to love because of you. I know how to hurt people. And that I learned from you. I know how to drive people away. I know how to hide.

In the back of my mind. I killed you. You aren’t here. You don’t exist. But even so, I keep finding myself at your funeral. Searching for a grave with no name. No flowers. Because I’m not so sure people even missed you after death. 

If only you were truly dead. You’d be easier to find. And maybe I wouldn’t have this burden anymore. I wouldn’t have the desire to know what you did to me. Even though I’m pretty sure I already know. It just.. It hasn’t settled in my heart yet. I mean.. No. How could you do that? Why would you do that to a kid? To your kid! 

And now I’m afraid still. Because of you. I look like you. In your wedding photo. I hope you enjoyed that day because you sure ruined it for everyone else. I don’t like feeling this angry but I can’t help it anymore. I deserve answers. No… I don’t deserve answers. I deserved a good and happy life without the need of answers. If you could’ve just done your job as a parent then we wouldn’t be here. Or maybe the problem was me. And if I could go back in time and let you get rid of me then I would. I don’t care anymore. 

How am I supposed to know if I’m doing anything right when all you did was show me how to do everything wrong? I can’t trust myself to care or love anyone. And someone talked to me about parenting once.. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t remember you ever being in my life. I had to do everything alone because of that. My dad had to work more than you ever did. He didn’t deserve that. We didn’t have enough money so we had to get groceries only for a day or two at a time. Sure he made mistakes but at least he was there. Though I’m pretty sure you aren’t legally allowed near me. 

I hate my name. I hate my middle name specifically. You have the same one, don’t you? I’ve seen the birth certificate. I wish I hadn’t.