Someone..

A letter to Tallulah, who doesn't exist.

Dear Tallulah,

I hope you can forgive me. You don’t know me all that well. I hope that will change in the future. I must admit, I am scared. I don’t want to be alone. Nor do I want you to be alone because of my own shortcomings. Do you understand? I have trouble speaking to people. Especially people I don’t know. You may see me talking to people and making jokes a lot. But in all honesty, it’s a cover up. I feel as if I am acting out a part. I’ll mention other people more than I do myself. I hope that when I get to meet you, I won’t feel so lonely. But before that I must meet someone. Who is willing to find you. I could search alone. Though you wouldn’t really want that, would you?

I don’t know why I bother writing this. I am writing a letter to someone who doesn’t even exist. Even if you did, would you read this? Would I be needed by you? Or more importantly.. Would I be wanted by you? I’ve been struggling with that thought lately. Specifically with another person. Nobody you would ever know. We unfortunately aren’t that lucky. I’m sorry for that. I’m trying. I promise you I am. Though I’m afraid that I’m too far over in my head. Who was I kidding? Why would they care? They say they do. But there's something still missing. No matter how many times I say it, it just doesn’t click in their head. No matter what I do, it’ll never be enough. There is no more waiting, is there? Would they really wait that long? 

I haven’t written to you in a long time, Tallulah. I hope you don’t mind but how about we let this be the new start of our conversations? 

I wish you could be here. 

I need someone.

Please.

-A.J.W