Torturous Twenty Four

I have always loved the story of the Sun and Moon being lovers who could never be together...but for the moments of dawn and dusk.

Forlorn in midnight’s vastness

Twinkling cousins as patient companions

She covets him

Her blushing glow pacifying the empty night

Descending toward dawn

Anxious Lingering

 

He will come for her…

 

Slowly the stars fade out and night dissipates in morning mist

Ocean breezes begin murmuring the promise

Life begins again this new day

 

He ascends the heavens upon brilliant light

His rending ardor glowing sultry upon her face

Almost becoming one they embrace in chaste love

Only for the moment before she falls away

 

Mirroring souls caught in a cyclical lovers dance

Reaching out for the other at dawn and dusk

Losing one another time and again

 

Forlorn within the midday skies

Gentle clouds and albatross as patient company

He yearns for her

His heavy radiance granting the gifts on the new day

Descending towards twilight

Restless Lingering

 

She will come for him…

Reviews

[Brad]

this one drew a deep sigh from my core. wow! absolutely beautiful

[Cathy Wattam]

This is a lovely poem. Great concept and very nicely written. Well done.

[WhiteWillow]

A simply lovely write. I enjoyed this very much.

Thanks to Emma for referring this piece to me.

[Kelly Scheppers]

The sun and the moon being lover's! I never thought of it that way! What a concept, Emma...did you think that up? Wow, how truly fascinating a read...and a clever, clever mind!

I love it!!

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

so lovely.... Emma.....thank you for sending me this gem.

[writing mojo]

well the sky hangs a little lower after reading this piece, collects moon light in a jar and sunlight in cabin pressure, which by night or day have an affect on the inner child who reaches higher and dreams in the arms of mother nature, rocking the earth from birth until the last breath has expired..

[emmajoy]

' Mirroring souls caught in a cyclical lovers dance ~ Reaching out for the other at dawn and dusk ~ Losing one another time and again ' : reminds me of an eternal dance moving further and further into space. Such a beautiful creation this is, formed from gasps of love and timeless promises.

Can't analyse the technicalities, can only read the words and feel them or not - in this case the former!

[A.A.]

Interesting choices.

I would query one or two lines specifically, where I'm sure you could use a lighter touch;
"Slowly the stars fade out and night dissipates in morning mist
Ocean breezes begin murmuring the promise",
It's that "and night dissipates" where any stress seems a bit uncomfortable, and if you're not going to stress the word night, I wonder whether the image would suffer if you took it out completely;
"Slowly the stars fade out and dissipate in morning mist".

The other line I question is;
"His rending ardour glowing sultry upon her face",
A 'rending ardour' which 'glows sultry'? This strikes a strange chord, which is fine, but reading this I feel pulled two ways, with the sudden injection of 'rending ardour', checked straight away by the 'sultry glow'; backpedalling, of sorts, and I would say the same applies with the rhyme 'face', which takes the stress, and 'embrace'; a device that seems to bind the lines together whilst the image strives to seperate.

This may seem a little particular, but that middle quatrain is the heart of your poem; a good deal at the bookends is passive-descriptive, but on the one side you have promise, on the other, dis-illusion, and as the poem reaches its peak, it perhaps should strive to quicken- the thirst of love which then, frustrated, falls forlorn back into cycle, you know? I would suggest a dash of more buyoant meter here, at least, and a bare scattering of punctuation, to keep the syntax clean.

That said, "Twinkling cousins as patient companions" and your "Gentle clouds and albatross" capture the mood with a rare elegance. The balance between the first and last stanzas, the whole circular structure of the poem, is a fine idea and carried well, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your poetry.

All the best.
A.A.