History of the World (part 1?)

How God created the universe.

At the very beginning, there was nothing. And I mean nothing. No light, no sound, not even a single speck of dust. Zilch.

Then, came God. To this day, nobody knows how God came to be, not Einstein, not Hawkins, not even Donald Trump. All we know is that He came with a bang. Anyway, God looked around and scratched his head. The place looked empty so he decided to furnish it. 

He made billions of galaxies which he filled with planets. At first, things were somewhat messy, chaotic. After all, it was only a start. In fact, there were zillions and trillions of billions of planets that kept bumping into each other. Some even broke apart. But God almighty is, well, almighty, right? So within only 6 days, he got the hang of it and accomplished a feat nobody has ever come close to achieving. He worked out the gravity business and the value of “e”. He created planets of various shapes and colours. There was a red planet, another one with rings all around it. God outdid Himself with that one. There was a blue one with plenty of water on its surface. God Almighty had great fun. His only regret was that there was no one around to admire his handiwork and congratulate him. 

God stepped back and contemplated his work. Something was missing but he couldn’t put his holy finger on it.And then it hit him! It was too dark. God smiled and said: “Let there be light!” Huge balls of fire sprang to life and illuminated the wide expense. “Gosh, I’m good!” boomed God in his gravelly voice that was strangely reminiscent of that of Morgan Freeman.

God sat and pondered his next move. The blue planet was his favourite so he thought of infusing some life in it. First he made a tiny little cell, then another, then another and watched them merge together to make bigger cells. They kept expanding and God thought “Well, blimey! Look what I’ve just made! I’ve just created life!”

 

One Wednesday morning, as God was watching his little cells, marveling at their creation and feeling proud, no doubt, wouldn’t you be? He had an epiphany. “What if I created bigger creatures?” He mused. And He set about creating enormous beings. And that’s how dinosaurs came to be. The good Lord created diplodocuses, tyrannosaurus rex, stegosaurus...Of course at the time, they didn’t have those names. Almighty God referred to them simply as “the big thingies”. It’s only later, much much later that Man, God’s worst creation to date, gave them those fancy names. 

For millions of years (yes, time means nothing to God. He’s Almighty, silly), the Big Thingies roamed the earth, wreaking havoc on God’s favourite blue planet. When God noticed the devastation and the huge amount of dung that disfigured Earth, he thought enough was enough. With a flick of his holy wrist, he summoned a deluge of meteorites to come down and wipe out all the critters.             

Earth remained lifeless, except for the luxurious fauna, until the good Lord, one day, had another epiphany. He smiled, scratched his luxurious white beard and thought “I think I’ll create something in my image”. God chuckled to himself and snapped his holy fingers. At first, He was not happy with what he's done but for a few hundreds years, he kept at it until finally He was satisfied with the result. Man was created. He was exactly the same as you and me, except much uglier. For one, he had no testicles (what’s the use?), just a tiny penis to relieve himself. He also had prominent eyebrows and was covered in hair. yuck!                                                                   

God sat back on his golden throne and thought his masterpiece deserved a better place to live so he put him in his secret garden, Eden, and called him Dick then thought of a better name and called him Adam. “Yes, you look more like an Adam than a silly Dick,” God said, satisfied.

Adam lived in heaven for 230 years (death was not yet invented) happy as can be when one Christmas Eve, God had the dubious idea of creating a better half for Adam. Well, Adam has never been the same again, I can tell you, but that’s another story which I might tell you if I can get a thousand likes.

Author's Note

to be honest, I feel kinda rusty. can you tell? I'll let you be the judge.

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

Well Woody, we're waiting. I saw one person gave you hundreds of likes so we must well over 1,000 by now. Maybe by then we'll have Hawking or Dawkins rather than Hawkins ...? As always, a very very readable journey. I want to hear the outcome of the Adam 'better half' story. Can't imagine how you'll end it ... maybe 'they all lived happily ever after ...'

Cheers
Nigel

[Woody]

haha I might filch your "happily ever after" for the sequel. thanks a ton Nigel. the story's brewing. won't be long now. I'm elated you enjoyed this one.

[Moonie]

I actually did imagine his voice like Morgan Freeman's and then you just said it and I literally did lol....it wasn't a lqtm..nah ah...it was a real bark of a laugh!
I can't wait for adam to part with his rib for our part 2...:))))

[Woody]

hey Moon. thanks a lot, Dear. glad it made you laugh. yeah I'll get to part II soon I hope.
plz pardon my tardiness.

[Beccy]

I have often thought we may perhaps just be the playthings of a higher hand; then again, I also think that one co-incidence is one too many.

You pepper this with your usual wonderful humour Woody, but the undertone is just a tad more serious and I have to say I liked it very much.

Beccy.

[Woody]

just being my old silly self, huh? thanks a bunch Beccy. always wonderful to see you around.

[aLittlePain]

Brilliant, the book of Genesis never looked better. A very enter read! Regards Ray

[Woody]

thanks a lot Ray. I appreciate the visit. glad you were entertained.

[aLittlePain]

Haha...glad you could decipher my inept review Woody. R xo

[Einstein Noodle]

i have missed you Woody ... glad i caught this one .. I believe among all things God's sense of humor reigns way up there on His "strengths" list ..good thing for you eh!? ;))) i can see this being read to a class of children instead of the thees and thous rendition .. i'm sure it would be a hit and inspire much twittering chatter as children are want to express ...enjoyed reading sir!
E.

[Woody]

you are too kind Einstein. thanks a lot. I'm so glad we share the same belief as to God's sens eof humour. glad you enjoyed this one.
it would indeed be great to teach theology in a light manner.

[Tom]

I wonder what Gods 3rd epiphany will be, I shudder to think ?

Kudos Woody, nice to see a bit of humour for a change when it comes to 'The Almighty ' some folk are just too serious and insular on the topic, a point of view on which even the good Lord himself would duly concur!

[Woody]

thanks loads Tommy boy. if God is everything that's good, doesn't it stand to reason that he's a good comedian with a good sense of humour? haha I believe Rowan Atkinson said something to this effect. glad we see eye to eye on that point.

[Tom]

Touché Woody ! 😜

[James]

Jeez, a whole new take on evolution and the creation story. Really? No testicles, what did men scratch then? Super funny, I am happy that he changed his name from Dick.

[Woody]

hey. thanks a lot James. yes my friend. I never lie. as for the testes, well think about it. what good would they have been before the arrival of Eve? see? there's logic in my madness :)

[Carmel Kirk]

This is my first thing I've read of yours, so I wouldn't be able to recognize the rust. Thoroughly enjoyed it man. I can't believe it took me this long to find a place to read and share my own writings. I'll be looking forward to more.

[Woody]

thanks loads Carmel. so glad you enjoyed this one. and welcome to the site.

[M.E.Lyle]

Okay Woodzie, you've outdone yourself. I love this wonderfully humorous take on the creation. Did you know evening and the first three days past, or was it four, I can't remember, before God created the sun and the moon? Isn't that strange? And those dinosaurs, always getting in the way, they deserved to die, especially the Trumpasaurus and Hilaryasaurus.

[Woody]

hahaha you are something else Mike!! your reviews always make me laugh. thanks my friend. so glad you enjoyed it.

[Valentine]

Not your best but you are just working out the rusty spots. Bring them funnies on. Valentine

[Woody]

haha thanks Kathie. yeah I know, long absence + not a story so no plot.
thanks a lot.

[...]

I LOVE this! If this is "rusty" tin man, I'm gonna hide the oil can and make it rain for 30 days hahaha
I' betting even God chuckled at this creation :) Did I say I LOVE it? It made my morning smile and the sun finally came out!

[Woody]

aww so sweet of you Lynn. I hope you're right about God liking this. I wouldn't want to make an enemy out of him. he might make my life hell.
it's always such a pleasure to help brighten your day. and thank you, Dear :)

[...]

Don't you know...you are the voice of HIS sense of humor :)

[Woody]

hahahaha I have to cnfess this is news to me :)) in any case I'm counting on His sense of humour. I mean if He's perfect, He must have a good sense of humour and be offended by little me, right?

[...]

God speaks in mysterious ways...wink. For instance, "I am that I am"...
You are that you are :)

[Woody]

you're right about that. you wanna baffle people, talk weird.