History of the World (part 1?)

How God created the universe.

At the very beginning, there was nothing. And I mean nothing. No light, no sound, not even a single speck of dust. Zilch.

Then, came God. To this day, nobody knows how God came to be, not Einstein, not Hawkins, not even Donald Trump. All we know is that He came with a bang. Anyway, God looked around and scratched his head. The place looked empty so he decided to furnish it. 

He made billions of galaxies which he filled with planets. At first, things were somewhat messy, chaotic. After all, it was only a start. In fact, there were zillions and trillions of billions of planets that kept bumping into each other. Some even broke apart. But God almighty is, well, almighty, right? So within only 6 days, he got the hang of it and accomplished a feat nobody has ever come close to achieving. He worked out the gravity business and the value of “e”. He created planets of various shapes and colours. There was a red planet, another one with rings all around it. God outdid Himself with that one. There was a blue one with plenty of water on its surface. God Almighty had great fun. His only regret was that there was no one around to admire his handiwork and congratulate him. 

God stepped back and contemplated his work. Something was missing but he couldn’t put his holy finger on it.And then it hit him! It was too dark. God smiled and said: “Let there be light!” Huge balls of fire sprang to life and illuminated the wide expense. “Gosh, I’m good!” boomed God in his gravelly voice that was strangely reminiscent of that of Morgan Freeman.

God sat and pondered his next move. The blue planet was his favourite so he thought of infusing some life in it. First he made a tiny little cell, then another, then another and watched them merge together to make bigger cells. They kept expanding and God thought “Well, blimey! Look what I’ve just made! I’ve just created life!”

 

One Wednesday morning, as God was watching his little cells, marveling at their creation and feeling proud, no doubt, wouldn’t you be? He had an epiphany. “What if I created bigger creatures?” He mused. And He set about creating enormous beings. And that’s how dinosaurs came to be. The good Lord created diplodocuses, tyrannosaurus rex, stegosaurus...Of course at the time, they didn’t have those names. Almighty God referred to them simply as “the big thingies”. It’s only later, much much later that Man, God’s worst creation to date, gave them those fancy names. 

For millions of years (yes, time means nothing to God. He’s Almighty, silly), the Big Thingies roamed the earth, wreaking havoc on God’s favourite blue planet. When God noticed the devastation and the huge amount of dung that disfigured Earth, he thought enough was enough. With a flick of his holy wrist, he summoned a deluge of meteorites to come down and wipe out all the critters.             

Earth remained lifeless, except for the luxurious fauna, until the good Lord, one day, had another epiphany. He smiled, scratched his luxurious white beard and thought “I think I’ll create something in my image”. God chuckled to himself and snapped his holy fingers. At first, He was not happy with what he's done but for a few hundreds years, he kept at it until finally He was satisfied with the result. Man was created. He was exactly the same as you and me, except much uglier. For one, he had no testicles (what’s the use?), just a tiny penis to relieve himself. He also had prominent eyebrows and was covered in hair. yuck!                                                                   

God sat back on his golden throne and thought his masterpiece deserved a better place to live so he put him in his secret garden, Eden, and called him Dick then thought of a better name and called him Adam. “Yes, you look more like an Adam than a silly Dick,” God said, satisfied.

Adam lived in heaven for 230 years (death was not yet invented) happy as can be when one Christmas Eve, God had the dubious idea of creating a better half for Adam. Well, Adam has never been the same again, I can tell you, but that’s another story which I might tell you if I can get a thousand likes.

Author's Note

to be honest, I feel kinda rusty. can you tell? I'll let you be the judge.

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

Well Woody, we're waiting. I saw one person gave you hundreds of likes so we must well over 1,000 by now. Maybe by then we'll have Hawking or Dawkins rather than Hawkins ...? As always, a very very readable journey. I want to hear the outcome of the Adam 'better half' story. Can't imagine how you'll end it ... maybe 'they all lived happily ever after ...'

Cheers
Nigel

[Woody]

haha I might filch your "happily ever after" for the sequel. thanks a ton Nigel. the story's brewing. won't be long now. I'm elated you enjoyed this one.

[Beccy]

Nice to see you Woody. How is part 2 coming along? :))

Beccy.

[Marvin Thomas Cox-Flynn..]

Woody,

Nice little journey into imaginary fantasy land ... Enjoyed it!

Marvin Thomas Cox-Flynn de Graham

[Woody]

Thanks loads Marvin. people keep telling me I should try my hand at serious writing but I can't bring myself to do it. staving off old age? haha

[Great Aunt Astri]

Well, if you feel a bit rusty, it is probably best to re-tell an existing story. And you have done that in a wonderful way. look forward to part two.

[Gaston Villanueva]

*like*

I'm sure we'd all like to read Part Two
I enjoyed the casualness God displayed while creating miracles and I, too, read it in Morgan Freeman's voice haha

[Woody]

hey I'm so glad you enjoyed my "true" version of the creation, Gaston :)
tell you the truth I was half joking when I wrote "history of the world, part I" in reference to Mel Brooks movie. now, looks like I need to get out of this hole I dug for myself :)

[Papaya]

And the rest is history? :)
I liked this, great story and humour!

[Woody]

haha exactly, and the rest is history. thank you for stopping to read.glad you like it.
it's a good thing you put your old photo. didn't recognize the name. how ya doin, Ana?

[Norman 223]

Just to let you know, Woody, that having read this for a second time, I still get a belly laugh. I was so enamoured with it that I wrote a rather different version using a new theory that I discovered.
You might like to decide which has the more credibility.
Mine is called The Alternative Genesis. Hope you approve!!!

[Woody]

haha ok Norm. I'm on it. laters.

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

So that's how the dinosaurs died! Haha. Very well written. Holy Bible summed up in a few paragraphs (and much better so than that book!).

[Woody]

hey long time no see, Nadia. I don't know who's been away the longest. glad you like my version which, incidentally is the true one. I never lie, you may have noticed.
thanks for dropping in, Dear.

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

Obviously your version is the truest. *Shakes head at other storytellers*

[Woody]

hahaha that's my girl!

[Roland Petrov]

A nice blend of myth and science. I like it.

[Woody]

thanks a lot, dear friend. glad you like it. so sorry I took so long to get back to you.

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Woody,
This one made my soul feel so tickleish and happy! Why not have fun and enjoy the creation story. You did so with gusto. You go woody! Bless you Kathy

[Woody]

hey Kathy; thanks a bunch for stopping in. sorry for my late reply.
glad you liked my "true" version :)

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Woody,
I love your style and the light hearted spin of writing I hope that life can be the same, at least some of the time...............Bless you Kathy