The Resourceful Doctor

Inspired by a true story

It was a balmy night. The chirping of the cicadas came through the open window loud and clear. The net curtains were swaying ever so slightly as a soft breeze blew from the garden outside. The sound of cicadas usually put Brian to sleep but that night, although he was deadbeat after a day of hauling crates down at the dock, sleep was not to be coaxed. How can you sleep when you have a raging toothache? Brian got out of bed for the umpteenth time and padded, barefoot to the kitchen. Out of his wits, he took a fourth Advil and dry-swallowed it.

Brian had always envied people with healthy, perfectly aligned white teeth. He’d always been plagued with bad dentition. Not that he didn’t clean his teeth. Oh, no! He made a point of brushing his teeth at least once a week, right after his weekly shower. He was that fastidious.

Brian went back to bed. He looked at the luminous dial of his clock. 3:14. God, why’s the night so long? He was going to the dentist’s, first thing in the morning. That damn tooth was coming out, no matter how much pleading it’s going to make.

                                 

                                                   ***********************

It sure had been a long night. Brian was now sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Pulhum, hand on his throbbing jaw, swaying as if to a tune in his head and barely suppressing the moan that threatened to escape his lips. Better not make a spectacle of yourself, he thought, eyes fixed on a crack in the wall facing him. Anything to distract him from his predicament. The whine of the drill, or chainsaw, more like, was not helping any.

Brian had come to Dr. Pulhum, his regular dentist, but the secretary told him he was on sick leave. Clearly annoyed, he told her ‘I noticed he looked down at the mouth last time I saw him’.

‘Don’t worry, Mr. Mista, Doctor Biguns is filling in for him and she’s excellent. Freshly graduated.’

The door to the inner sanctum finally opened and a middle aged man stepped out and flashed him a toothy smile. Show off!

Brian went in and stopped dead in his tracks. Dr. Biguns turned out to be a stunning beauty. Her greeting didn’t register as he only had eyes for her twins, toothache completely forgotten.

‘Please, get on the chair Mr. Mista!’

Brian sat on the Doctor’s chair and Dr. Biguns pressed a pedal several times to bring the patient’s head at level with her eyes. She asked him to open his mouth and bent over to look closely. Her cleavage was dangerously close to his face and he felt giddy from her Shenanigan 5 (apparently, I’m not allowed to name products).

The beautiful doctor looked into Brian’s mouth and when she saw the decayed tooth she exclaimed: ‘that’s deep, deep, deep..’

‘Ok, Doctor, no need to rub it in.’

‘Oh, sorry. It wasn’t me. That was the echo. Now. Your tooth is in such a state and I'm afraid we'll have to pull it out.’

‘Go ahead, Doc. Whatever it takes.’

Doctor Biguns produced a syringe and, once again, bent over Brian but he clamped his lips shut and started to shake his head vehemently. The doctor stepped back, puzzled.

‘Sorry, Doc. I can’t stand syringes,” he said sheepishly.

‘No problem. Here, we’ll use the mask. All you have to do is inh.. What is it now?’

‘I’m claustrophobic. I’d suffocate. Sorry.’

Doctor Biguns put the mask aside and stood with her arms akimbo, eyeing Brian with a raised eyebrow, then turned around, opened a drawer and brought him two pills and a plastic glass of water.

‘Here, drink these!’

‘AAH, now you’re talking!’ said Brian then downed the pills and said ‘I didn’t know anesthetics came in the form of pills.’

‘Oh, those have nothing to do with anesthesia. They’re Viagra.’

‘Viag… Why?’

‘That’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull out your tooth'

Reviews

[...]

See, I decided to come visit and before I even got here I was smiling. Just knowing it's, Woody, I guess. Then I got here and even before I started reading the story I started laughing. Anticipation, and knowing this was gonna be...after reading...exactly what I thought it would be...Woody! And that's it, enough said :))) But in case you are confused, I come here for the cure to madness, and I'm never disappointed!

[Woody]

you are quite the flatterer, Lynn, aren't you? thank you so much Dear :) always a tremendous pleasure to know you enjoy my silliness.

[...]

No I'm serious lol

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

Powerful write. You could really feel the frustration and pain in the patient. Everything read so natural. And i liked your choice of words. The part where the one smiled and showed his teeth and you said, "show off!" was funny.

[Woody]

thank you very much for the read and the compliment Cyprian. glad you enjoyed the story.

[alanwgraham]

Excellent as usual. I've heard a variation of the viagra joke but I didn't guess what was coming. Well done again and a very nice reprieve from the usual poems on lost love that are too common in the 'cafe'. Maybe I'm just jealous!
Regards
Alan

[Woody]

thanks heaps Alan my friend. glad you liked this one.
I couldn't agree more. too much serious stuff on here. and don't be silly, you've proved you could spin a funny tale like the next man :)

[alanwgraham]

Ha ha. I was referring to the lost love!

[Woody]

oops! I wouldn't know about that haha

[Gee]

What better way to start the day than perusing the wonderful mind of Woody. Loved it. Wish I had the patience to try my hand at a short story

[Woody]

with your sense of humour, I'm sure you'd do wonders.
thanks a lot my friend. what better way to start the day than receiving praise from a Brit :)
glad you liked it.

[Gee]

Deserved praise Woody. You might enjoy a couple I've posted on Ronald Mac Donald and Donald Trump. Have a good day

[Woody]

I'll certainly take a look :)

[Beccy]

Loved this Woody, brim full of delightful innuendo and the punchline was just a hoot!

Keep 'em coming, you are such balm to the soul.

Beccy.

[Woody]

aah Beccy, here you are! in the words of Paul Simon "why have you forsaken meee?" :)
thanks a bunch, Dear. such a pleasure to know you enjoy my stories.

[James]

I've never laughed at a story so hard in my life....Really, Woody "something to hold on to"...hahahhahaha.
I didn't think it could beat Dr. Pulhum, and Dr. Biguns.

[Woody]

thank you so much James. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this one :)
sorry for the late reply.

[Shabeeh Haider]

Another beautiful and amusing work right from the word go. You started of with her twins but there was no mention of them towards the end. It was however fun to read and the punchline was terrific.

[Woody]

so glad you found this one amusing my friend. thank you for the visit.
aah the twins. mmmmm I thought it was obvious but apparently it's not. the beautiful doctor's not married. twins refers to a certain part of her anatomy, actually :)

[Saad]

The narration was perfect as always, the plot went smooth from the beginning then the climax seems to be a bit shaky. The viagra-ending could've been much better, however the wit and humour was perfect. Overall a good read !.

[Woody]

thanks a lot, Saad for stopping in. always a pleasure to know you enjoy my writes.
the ending? don't know what to say. you may be write. is it not clear?

[Saad]

it's a bit unexpected and might be the reason it feels weird however overall it is a fine piece of literature

[barleygirl]

Your story is very well-told, even tho I felt the cliché Viagra-ending was a bit weaker than your usual robust ending twists! At the end, I was still fixated on her Biguns, thinking the ending would somehow tie in with these lovely mounds that you so carefully developed into your story!!!! LET DOWN!!!! We want more b***s! We want more b***s! Excuse me, I think I need my 2nd cup of coffee now . . . .

[Woody]

thanks a bunch, Dear and sorry about the late reply.
you're the second one to think the twist is weak. sorry to have let you down :(
now who's fixated on the b***s, huh?
is the ending not clear, I wonder?

[Kaliope]

Ah, dentists - always prepared for everything, those sadistic b******s... nah, I'm glad they exist and personally, I love those syringes that make (most) treatments heavenly painless.
Strictly speaking, however... if you avoid all trade names, you'd have to get rid of the V-word too, Woody. I don't mind though, and I'm not sure if "Sildenafil" would have quite the same effect.
In any case, it was a fun story and made me laugh out loud at the end. But then again... I came to expect nothing less from you ;-)

[Woody]

Kali, I'm doubly happy. so glad to see you again gracing my page with your weird picture :)
and I'm glad this one made you laugh.
tell you the truth, I don't really care if mentioning products is allowed or not. was just being my old silly self :)
been away myself so I hope you've written something new.
by the way, I published my collection of short stories on kindle, amazon :)

[Kaliope]

Weird!? His Bolognese Pastaness himself - weird? How dare you, sir! Now heed the words of His Noodly Appendage and repent, sinner: "I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Thou shalt have no other monsters before Me. (Afterwards is OK; just use protection.)"
Sorry, couldn't resist :-) Not trying to make fun of religion (okay, a little perhaps) and unfortunately not even my words, but they never fail to crack me up.
And it's sure nice to be back! Haven't published anything new yet, but I'm writing a short story at the moment and it will probably surface in two to three weeks.
Oh, and it's absolutely brilliant that you published your stories! Did you use amazon's editing service by any chance?

[Woody]

haha I hope I didn't offend you. but it does look like an alien. something from outer space.
looking forward to your next story.
editing service? don't know what that is. it's published on kdp.amazon.com
I haven't sold many, so far. I don't know how to go about advertising it.

[Kaliope]

Nah, never worry about offending me, especially not when I'm just silly. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is one of atheism's responses to religious fundamentalism, y'know... just pointing out how absurd some of the ideas are, especially those that aim to restrict freedom of speech and rational thought. And being a great fan of healthy skepticism and tolerance myself... thus my weird picture :-)
My story, unfortunately, is a great pain to write at the moment. It sounds nice in my head, but on the page... well, I'll get there eventually.
The editing service I mentioned is something amazon offers for self publishers. I was just curious if it's any good. Here's the link if you'd like to take a look: https://www.createspace.com/Services/EditingServiceTable.jsp
Regarding advertising... I honestly wish I had good advice. All I can think of though is social media, but I don't know how active you are on facebook, twitter, etc. Should I ever publish my work, I'll run into the same problem. Hard to get known when you value your privacy :-/

[Woody]

ok I didn't know about the flying thingy. now I understand. and thx for the link. I'll take a look.

[Shannon]

Woody, this is pretty funny. Wondering about adding a but more foreshadowing. Perhaps adding something about him hating dental work early on and why.

[Woody]

thank you so much for stopping to read yet another one. you're right. it certainly needs a bit of editing. I was a little hasty in posting. will get down to it.

[Shannon]

No problem. Look forward to seeing it evolve (might learn a thing or two....)