It's Dark!

a fledgling salesman

Yawrzt Rooly is not a handsome man. In fact, he is quite an ordinary six-foot-tall man with the broad shoulders of a wrestler. On the wrong side of fifty, he still has a full head of jet black hair, greying at the temples. His eyes are a little closer than they should be and his nose is pinched and pointy. When he smiles, which he does quite often, people are always dazzled by his white, perfectly aligned teeth. Yawrzt’s smile is certainly his best asset and in his line of business, an attractive smile is a killer. Yawrzt is a sales agent. What Yawrzt lacks in looks, he largely makes up for in charm. He was born with a great gift of the gab. Yawrzt is the man of the agency. None of his colleagues can come within a mile of him. He lives out of town. In fact, he would sell a fridge to an Eskimo living in Nigeria.

Yawrzt found out about his gift early in life. Whenever he recalls his first sale, a wide smile lights up his features.

 

When Yawrzt was nine, he wanted to become a professional footballer. He spent hours kicking a ball in the garden. On Sundays, he would badger his father to take him to the park where he would spend the whole morning dribbling and juggling, imagining himself to be Messi or Ronaldo.

One day, (I bet my last dollar you’ve just said: At last, he’s come to the interesting part! Well, I’m sorry but I had to put you in the picture. I have a reputation to safeguard) he was playing in the hall with his ball when it rolled/bounced into the large boot closet which happened to be open. Yawrzt went to fetch it but  sat inside as he often did. He started a conversation with himself, imagining he was signing autographs to beautiful girls. He heard the bell and saw his mother rush to open the door. 

(I heard you! You’ve just said: Where the hell’s he going with this? Look, if you’re going to stop me every two minutes, you’d better go read something else.)

Yawrzt heard his mum whisper with that tall man who often came to their house, always when his dad was not around. He heard giggling which stopped abruptly when a key turned in the entrance door lock. His dad. Next thing he knew, his mum was roughly pushing the man inside the closet and locking it.

“It’s dark,” said Yawrzt.

Slightly taken aback, the man whispered back: “I know but don’t worry, we’ll soon be out of here.”

“Would you like to buy my ball?”

“Euh, no, thanks.”

“Let me out!”

“Ok, ok, I’ll buy it. How much?”

“A hunnered dollars.”

“Jesus Christ! Are you out of your mind?” hissed the man.

“Let me out!”

“Oh, God! Here! Take the money! Give me the ball!”

And that was the very first sale of Yawrzt.

A week later, Yawrzt was in his favourite spot on the closet floor when his client was frantically shoved into the closet and the door hastily shut and locked.

“It’s dark,” said Yawrzt.

God Almighty, muttered the man and, a little louder, “I know but don’t worry!”

“Would you like to buy my sneekers?”

“Kid, they would never fit me.”

“Let me out!”

“For crying out loud! How much?”

“Hunnered and twenty.”

“Jes.. Here’s the money. Give me the sneekers, you little devil,” hissed the man.

 

The following Sunday, Yawrzt’s dad said to his son:

“Say, Champ, how about we go to the park for a little practice?”

“Can’t.”

“Why?”

“I sold the ball and the sneekers.”

“You what? Why, silly boy?”

“So we can buy new ones with the money,” replied Yawrzt calmly.

“And how much did you sell them?”

“Hunnered for the ball, hunnered twenty for the sneekers.”

“What the…! But that’s daylight robbery! Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? I’ve a good mind to give you a good beating, you little thief. Come! Let’s go to church.”

“Why?”

“You’re going to confess your sin to Father Mc Kenzie, you bad boy and maybe, just maybe, you won’t go to hell.”

“I don’t want to go to hell,” said Yawrzt, eyes brimming.

“We’ll see what Father Mc Kenzie has to say.”

 

Inside the church, Yawrzt was pushed into the confessional, unceremoniously, by his father who drew the curtain back and strode outside to smoke a cigarette, still fuming.

“It’s dark,” said Yawrzt.

“Don’t you f*****g start!” came the reply from the other side of the partition. 

Author's Note

this is not an autobiography.

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

Hi Woody. I think modern folk would put a :=)) or something similar. As others have said, this reads almost like a stand-up comedian. There is a very gentle feel to it. I think I imagined something like the punch line, but that doesn't spoil it at all. The eskimo fridge Nigeria line is a bit odd. It's an old joke about sales people, that they could sell a fridge to an eskimo; so I get that. But if an eskimo was in Nigeria, they'd need a fridge, wouldn't they? Doesn't matter in terms of the overall feel, but you might like to take another look at that bit some time.

Nice job!
Nigel

[Woody]

damn I could've sworn I'd commented on your review, Nigel. obviously, I'm slipping up. that's old age for you. so I'm so very sorry for the late response.
now, that exkimo bit was really an attempt (lame, obviously) to make the reader smile at least. of course it's an old joke but adding the Nigeria bit was sort of a novelty. as you said, living there you wouldn't need much convincing to buy a fridge. am I making sense?
thank you so much for stopping to read and for being, as usual, perceptive in your review.

[Ananya]

Hahaha...that really really made me laugh. I can't tell you exactly about my laugh but it came after a long long time. Thank you so much for this gift. Thank you.

[Woody]

I am truly elated to be the one who made you laugh again, Anyan. thank YOU for stopping to read :))))

[Jacob Clifford]

"This is not an autobiography". Well, shoot.

I quite liked this story. I was expecting the punchline, but it still made me laugh. You have a talent for making people smile. Keep up the good work.

[Woody]

thanks again, Clifford :) yes, not difficult to see that punchline coming. but oftentimes, it's the inside of my stories that can be considered funny.
now, why did I say "not an autobiography"? did you notice the silly name I gave him? Yawrzt Rooly :)

[Beccy]

Not just a killer punch line Woody, but also a killer sales pitch closing line. No way out of that one other than to pay the piper.

Loved this one to bits.

Beccy

[Woody]

so sorry about the late response Beccy. thank you so much. it's always such a pleasure to see you enjoy my stories.
btw, I put the stories together in a collection and had them published on Amazon. he-he :)
problem is I haven't sold many. I need to advertise it and don't know how :(

[alanwgraham]

Brilliant! How do you come up with these storylines? I really thought your asides were great and added to the comic effect. Finally your punchline was great - I should really have been expecting it but I'm slow!
Well done for making me laugh,
Regards, Alan

[Woody]

thank you very much for your kind words, Alan. always a pleasure to see you enjoy my stories.
cheers.

[Norman 223]

Keep 'em coming, Woody. I love your style, even to the way you "interrup yourself to put we poor readers in our place. Great story, with a lovely twist at the end. I'm a sucker for this type of writing.

Norman.

[Woody]

thank you so much, Norman. much appreciated and I'm really flattered.
put you in your place haha. love it. glad you enjoyed this one.

[LastMonth]

Daaaaaaaaaamn.
F***** hilarious.

Loved the (-----) Comments. They made it feel more personal.
This being the second story of yours that I read, I'm starting to feel like you should strike out as a comedian of a sort. Your writing is sharp and the jokes are well placed. I know I'll be looking forward to the last line in your next story, they crack me up.

[Woody]

hahaha too much honour. thanks heaps LM. I'm overjoyed this, too, made you laugh.

[EMMIE]

So, this is very well written. You had me at this line "His eyes are a little closer than they should be and his nose is pinched and pointy" and that's when I said ok I have to keep reading. It sounds like a scene from a movie, great character development and a whole lotta personality! Loved it! I think you got me hooked on your work.

[Woody]

thanks a million Emmi :) so glad you liked this one too. this is more like me, really. I like to laugh and try to brighten people's day.

[Winslow Des Totes]

Oh my goodness I have to stop for a minute now-that was great! Such well executed humor I am truly envious! They style reminds me a bit of Tolkien in how he writes as though he was talking to you and I really enjoy that way of writing as it's far less pretentious and a great deal more interesting than just drumming on. As always I really really liked this work and all those I've read before. I will favorite this one in particular so I can read it again sometime. Thank you very much for your great writing it really made my day a lot better!

[Woody]

I got me a new fan and I'm over the moon :))) many thanks.
I'm honoured to be likened to Tolkien. truth is, I enjoy writing and my objective has always been to entertain the reader.
thanks again for reading this one, too.

[Shabeeh Haider]

You kept the reader guessing as to where were you heading. It seemed it would be some serious story and the man in the cup board would be caught but you gave it a wonderful twist.
You have a way of telling a story. Wonderful.

*shabeeh*

[Woody]

thank you loads, Haider. I don't do "serious and gloomy" except in a few poems. my objective is to entertain the reader. so glad you enjoyed this one :)