Lucky Ivor

Nothing dramatic. Just a medical error

The droning was becoming irritating. But why was it intermittent? Could the plane be having engine trouble?

“S**t, I hope we won’t crash,” thought Ivor.

The pitch changed into.. into some sort of buzzing! That couldn’t be a good sign, could it? Planes weren’t supposed to buzz, were they? Silence. Then the droning then silence again.

The plane was going into free fall! The passengers were terrified, screaming. Suddenly, the luggage racks opened and bags and boxes rained down on the horrified men, women and children. Oxygen masks dangled and danced about like inverted cobras out of their wicker baskets. Goodness, where’s the upside down fakir?

Ivor Longwon tried to scream but couldn’t. The old lady who’d been sitting next to him, sipping her Martini, was now smothering him, clinging for dear life, screeching at him to save her. Only Ivor couldn’t. His head was stuck between her breasts and he desperately needed to surface for air. Suddenly, his body jerked and he gulped in air greedily. His eyes snapped open. 

He stared at the blank wall facing him. Where was Marilyn Monroe’s poster? His heart was pounding wildly as if he’d run a five-mile marathon. Thank God, it was only a goddamn dream! “But why am I in bed? Where am I?” he thought. The droning resumed. But not the screams. “What the…” 

A fat black-backed fly hovered inches away from his face.

“You b*****d! It was you that triggered that hellish nightmare!”

If the bat flat-flacked bly had had eyebrows, it would’ve raised them uncomprehendingly at Ivor. Instead, it delicately landed on his brow and started feasting on the moisture that had gathered there. Ivor tried to swat it away but couldn’t. He stretched his lower lip out and upward and blew, trying vainly to dislodge it. The tickling was becoming maddening but the fucked black-blocked fly (oh, sod it!) took off and landed on his nose, dangerously close to his nostril then sauntered onto his upper lip. Ivor wished he had a moustache. He couldn’t lift his right arm to defend himself. Hell, he couldn’t feel his arm. His left arm felt like it was strapped to the bed. Terror flooded his mind. Could he be a prisoner of that sick criminal who called himself Jig saw? He expected a gravelly voice to say “Let’s play a game!”

Suddenly, an angel materialized. Gorgeous, all in white. God, that smile! Excruciatingly beautiful!

“Are you…,” tried Ivor. He wet his parched lips. “Are you with Saw?”

“Sore?” said the angel, puzzled. “Doctor Hedd'll be here in a minute. Everything’s going to be fine.”

“Doctor? Why… why am I here?”

“You’ve undergone a surgery. The doctor will explain everything. Don’t worry.”

The door opened silently.

“Ah, here’s Dr Hedd.”

Doctor Richard Hedd, Dick to his friends, strode towards the bed with a broad smile on his face. He didn’t look like Dr House at all. He didn’t limp for one thing and his eyes weren’t blue.

“Ah, I see you’re awake Mr. Longwon. Welcome to the land of the living! 'ow’re you feeling?”

“Like s**t.”

“That’s understandable. The anesthetics can sometimes 'ave that effect.”

“What’s wrong with me, Doctor.”

“I see your mind is still muddled. You’ve come 'ere to 'ave your arm amputated.”

“Ampu WHAT?” yelled Ivor.

“Tated. Gangrene. Don’t you remember?”

The memory came back like a tsunami and nearly rocked the man out of the bed.

Ivor closed his eyes and moaned while Dr Hedd exchanged a here-we-go look with the nurse.

“Where’s my Rolex?” asked Ivor, alarmed.

“Don’t worry. It’s on the bedside table. It’s fake anyway. Now, I 'ave good news and bad news, I’m afraid. Which do you want first?”

“Let’s get the bad news out of the way,” said Ivor, resignedly.

“Right. Ehm… we….”

“Come on, Doc! Out with it”

“Well.. We seem to 'ave cut off the wrong arm. That is the right arm.”

“Oh nonononon!” moaned Ivor. “How in God’s name can you make such a stupid mistake?”

“Now, Mr Longwon. It’s not as dramatic as you’re making it out to be. It's just an 'armless error. We 'ave beautiful prostheses. Before you know it, you’ll be as good as new. You can even choose the colour,” ended the good doctor with a smug smile.

“This can’t be true. I must be still dreaming. What’s the good news? Cheer me up!”

“Aah I’m glad you asked. You’ll be glad to know that your gangrened arm’s getting better; we won’t 'ave to cut it off. Unless you insist, that is.”

Author's Note

I know that this was not to the liking of everybody. but I'll be damned if I'm going to take out my ugly duckling. it's my baby and I'm keeping it. and that's that!

Reviews

[LastMonth]

LOL!
(I can't believe you made me resort to that. I just couldn't express how hilarious I found this with a mere Hahahaha.)

First things first,
That line,
''...Are.. Are you with Saw?''
It killed me! Man, It's a perfect line. If this was spoken in a T.V show I can see people rolling over and laughing their a*s off.

Second, that punchline.
Daaaamn.
Good one, Good one Woods.

Love this story. Definetly one of my favorites.

[Woody]

LOL. there I lolled with you so you won't feel embarrassed :)
thank you so much my friend. I'm soo glad you liked it because a few thought it too dark and I kind of like it. I had fun writing it. definitely one of my favourites too.

[alifeacoustic]

Well at least he will be able to still wear his watch. :)
Nice one Woody.

[Woody]

yes a Rolex is meant to be worn, even if it's fake.
thanks a lot alife. another positive review. the others had me worried.

[alifeacoustic]

I'm always see mixed reviews as a good thing, it means you aren't afraid to push the boundaries to breaking point. It's what writers are meant to do, and you do it so well.

[Woody]

many thanks my friend

[boblakin]

Nothing like a bit of 'armless' fun! Nice one.

Boblakin

[Woody]

haha there's a man after my own heart!! thank you boblakin. glad to see that you picked on the funny side of the story. unfortunately, it was not to the taste of all the reviewers.
"armless" good one! thanks for taking the time, boblakin.

[Terpsichore]

I'll have a glass of whatever you're drinking! :))

T

[Woody]

haha afraid drink's got nothing to do with it. care for a few puffs of this excellent spliff? (is that what we call it?)
yeah, I know Terps. this time I ventured deeper into the dark side than usual. so far, this one's had 3 positive reviews and 5 hmm slaps on the wrist :(
thank you, Dear for putting up with me.

[roarke]

Momma told me there'd be days like this.... I didn't believer her.....interesting spiral effect with the narrative Woody. Liked.

[Woody]

you make me wish I'd written this on top: think you're having a bad day?
I'm super glad you stopped to read this, roark. I probably told you how much I value your opinion. I'm glad you liked it.
p.s. I keep promising myself to check on your page but you know how it is. out of site out of mind. I apologize but I'm going to remedy that.

[Nigel Newman]

Very Python-esque ... your imagination must be an interesting place. Not really my cup of tea, but if Samuel Dickens is on your side then keep the faith and carry on.

[Woody]

thank you Sir. I feel flattered that my writes bring to the reader's mind such legends as Monty Python, Poe and Mel Brooks. Sam is a faithful reader/reviewer and I certainly owe him a lot for his encouragement and support. I don't often write in the black humour genre. seeing as how this one hasn't had many positive reviews, I guess I'll have to steer away from this genre for a while.
thanks again Nigel.

[Nigel Newman]

No, I mean it. Keep the faith. For some reason I'm thinking of the knight in shining armour who loses one limb then the next, and so on, but still taunts his attacker to fight on like a man. Black comedic writing is a valid genre. If you have it in you, keep it. By all means listen to feedback about ways to improve it, but don't stop just because some folk are less keen.

Just thinking this through further, maybe just maybe, Python had targets in mind. Maybe they were having a go at pomposity or bourgeois values or corruption or whatever. Maybe just maybe their lateral jumps and surreal writing were allegorical and actually deeply satirical - certainly some of their sketches were. So is there a difference here, perhaps? Underneath the externally weird stuff in Poe or Python, is there actually a very sane calculating agenda at work? Whereas jumping from one mini-scenario to another like a bad dream or drug induced trip, on the face of it, doesn't seem to have any underpinning glue. Maybe just maybe - not sure. Someone like Sam, who is a fan to start with, may be able to steer you through this better than me. Anyway, hope these thoughts help a little.

[Woody]

thank you very much for your thoughtfulness, Nigel. boy, did that scene make me laugh!! "come back and fight like a man!" "what? you going to bleed on me?"
yes I see what you mean. one has to have an objective, a lesson to offer, a moral. do I have that in mind? I confess that no, I don't. not often, anyway. here's the thing. English is not my mother tongue but I so enjoy writing in your language. I'm also a great fan of the English humour. I like a good laugh and enjoy making others laugh (does that make me a clown?) so my writing is often a wild romp with twists and turns. if the reader approaches my story with the hope of finding a meaningful lesson, I'm afraid he's going to be disappointed.
having said that, I'll certainly give it some serious thought for my next write. so thank you very much again for pointing that out to me. you're a considerate reviewer!

[Samuel Dickens]

Oh, the horror! The nightmarish, wacky horror! Woody, I think you've been reading Poe while watching Mel Brookes movies. Buddy, your humor is in fine form.

[Woody]

AAAAH you don't know the good you've done me my friend! thanks a million Sam. the other reviewers gave me a good dressing down, albeit a disguised one. I believe that a little bit of black humour isn't such a bad thing. and boy isn't Mel Brooks hilarious! he may have had some influence on me.

[Solar]

Whoa! pushes the envelope for sure...Doctor Dumf Huk ain't no blue-eyes but the humour is blue - bottled like the fly - Ivor is undone! That's neat the way you merged the plane drone into the buzz of a saw...and all the rest deliciously Roald Dahlesque.

[Woody]

aaah thank you Solar. your words make me feel slightly better. Roald Dahl, eh? I've been likened to worse.
truth is I was suffering from a bad case of writer's block. that's all I could find :)

[Solar]

'Dahl-ing' eez a compliment - haha

[Woody]

hahaha good one!!

[...]

Your pen's having a bad trip, Woody hahaha I'm blaming it all on the pen :) Either that or you have read to many Dean Koontz novels. Laughing...

[Woody]

that's it! out it goes. a story's like a child to me. but child or no child, I'm not having my reputation tarnished by a brat. wait a minute! you don't throw your child out because he/she's naughty, do you? no, I'm keeping my baby, the fruit of my entrails. do you have any idea, Lyn how long labour took?
regarding Koontz, yes I've read tons of his books. think he's to blame?
goodness, what's wrong with me? I never even thanked you for baring with me. so thank you dear Lyn. I'll lay off dark humour in the future.

[...]

It's trippy...I think Hollywood might like it. Seems they are stuck on zombies, vampires, and super hero's. A refreshing nightmare horror story might light em up :)

[...]

I can see it now...evil pen writes out mans life of horror hahaha

[Woody]

trippy's the right word. I've had my doubts about the stuff I've been smoking. I've been had.

[Lydia Shutter]

OMG...this one is really sick....the doctor cut off the wrong arm and then the good arm heals so no surgery would have been necessary at all? Talk about dark humor! I liked the "fake rolex" idea. The fly having eyebrows....shades of psychedelic trips! Woody, not sure what to say other than your stories are certainly unique! Lydi**

[Woody]

oh my. I realise now this one's not going to win a lot of people over. ah well black humour is black humour. you either laugh or turn up your nose at it.
thank you so much for going through the whole ordeal, Lydi. now I feel bad about writing this thing.

[Lydia Shutter]

No, don't feel bad. It was just a bit more "out there" than the norm for you.

[Scrap]

Goodness! How does your mind work?! Really!?!

Ive never read a plot like this before.

Im amazed.

[Woody]

haha I'll take that as a compliment. thank you Scrap. frankly, I was not quite sure about this one.

[Scrap]

It's twisted! One that makes u go 'huh?!' ;)

[Woody]

you mean the end? black humour?

[Scrap]

I think that really lightened up the write. :))