Lucky Ivor

Nothing dramatic. Just a medical error

The droning was becoming irritating. But why was it intermittent? Could the plane be having engine trouble?

“S**t, I hope we won’t crash,” thought Ivor.

The pitch changed into.. into some sort of buzzing! That couldn’t be a good sign, could it? Planes weren’t supposed to buzz, were they? Silence. Then the droning then silence again.

The plane was going into free fall! The passengers were terrified, screaming. Suddenly, the luggage racks opened and bags and boxes rained down on the horrified men, women and children. Oxygen masks dangled and danced about like inverted cobras out of their wicker baskets. Goodness, where’s the upside down fakir?

Ivor Longwon tried to scream but couldn’t. The old lady who’d been sitting next to him, sipping her Martini, was now smothering him, clinging for dear life, screeching at him to save her. Only Ivor couldn’t. His head was stuck between her breasts and he desperately needed to surface for air. Suddenly, his body jerked and he gulped in air greedily. His eyes snapped open. 

He stared at the blank wall facing him. Where was Marilyn Monroe’s poster? His heart was pounding wildly as if he’d run a five-mile marathon. Thank God, it was only a goddamn dream! “But why am I in bed? Where am I?” he thought. The droning resumed. But not the screams. “What the…” 

A fat black-backed fly hovered inches away from his face.

“You b*****d! It was you that triggered that hellish nightmare!”

If the bat flat-flacked bly had had eyebrows, it would’ve raised them uncomprehendingly at Ivor. Instead, it delicately landed on his brow and started feasting on the moisture that had gathered there. Ivor tried to swat it away but couldn’t. He stretched his lower lip out and upward and blew, trying vainly to dislodge it. The tickling was becoming maddening but the fucked black-blocked fly (oh, sod it!) took off and landed on his nose, dangerously close to his nostril then sauntered onto his upper lip. Ivor wished he had a moustache. He couldn’t lift his right arm to defend himself. Hell, he couldn’t feel his arm. His left arm felt like it was strapped to the bed. Terror flooded his mind. Could he be a prisoner of that sick criminal who called himself Jig saw? He expected a gravelly voice to say “Let’s play a game!”

Suddenly, an angel materialized. Gorgeous, all in white. God, that smile! Excruciatingly beautiful!

“Are you…,” tried Ivor. He wet his parched lips. “Are you with Saw?”

“Sore?” said the angel, puzzled. “Doctor Hedd'll be here in a minute. Everything’s going to be fine.”

“Doctor? Why… why am I here?”

“You’ve undergone a surgery. The doctor will explain everything. Don’t worry.”

The door opened silently.

“Ah, here’s Dr Hedd.”

Doctor Richard Hedd, Dick to his friends, strode towards the bed with a broad smile on his face. He didn’t look like Dr House at all. He didn’t limp for one thing and his eyes weren’t blue.

“Ah, I see you’re awake Mr. Longwon. Welcome to the land of the living! 'ow’re you feeling?”

“Like s**t.”

“That’s understandable. The anesthetics can sometimes 'ave that effect.”

“What’s wrong with me, Doctor.”

“I see your mind is still muddled. You’ve come 'ere to 'ave your arm amputated.”

“Ampu WHAT?” yelled Ivor.

“Tated. Gangrene. Don’t you remember?”

The memory came back like a tsunami and nearly rocked the man out of the bed.

Ivor closed his eyes and moaned while Dr Hedd exchanged a here-we-go look with the nurse.

“Where’s my Rolex?” asked Ivor, alarmed.

“Don’t worry. It’s on the bedside table. It’s fake anyway. Now, I 'ave good news and bad news, I’m afraid. Which do you want first?”

“Let’s get the bad news out of the way,” said Ivor, resignedly.

“Right. Ehm… we….”

“Come on, Doc! Out with it”

“Well.. We seem to 'ave cut off the wrong arm. That is the right arm.”

“Oh nonononon!” moaned Ivor. “How in God’s name can you make such a stupid mistake?”

“Now, Mr Longwon. It’s not as dramatic as you’re making it out to be. It's just an 'armless error. We 'ave beautiful prostheses. Before you know it, you’ll be as good as new. You can even choose the colour,” ended the good doctor with a smug smile.

“This can’t be true. I must be still dreaming. What’s the good news? Cheer me up!”

“Aah I’m glad you asked. You’ll be glad to know that your gangrened arm’s getting better; we won’t 'ave to cut it off. Unless you insist, that is.”

Author's Note

I know that this was not to the liking of everybody. but I'll be damned if I'm going to take out my ugly duckling. it's my baby and I'm keeping it. and that's that!

Reviews

[LastMonth]

LOL!
(I can't believe you made me resort to that. I just couldn't express how hilarious I found this with a mere Hahahaha.)

First things first,
That line,
''...Are.. Are you with Saw?''
It killed me! Man, It's a perfect line. If this was spoken in a T.V show I can see people rolling over and laughing their a*s off.

Second, that punchline.
Daaaamn.
Good one, Good one Woods.

Love this story. Definetly one of my favorites.

[Woody]

LOL. there I lolled with you so you won't feel embarrassed :)
thank you so much my friend. I'm soo glad you liked it because a few thought it too dark and I kind of like it. I had fun writing it. definitely one of my favourites too.

[Norman 223]

Bloody brilliant and brilliantly bloody. I also loved the "buzz" of the anaesthetic dream sequence , but the final punchline was the icing on the cake. Great "armless" fun.
Keep 'em coming Woody.

Norman

[Woody]

thanks a million Norman. and please accept my apologies for the late reply.
so glad you liked it.

[1VJ]

I'm watching my niece and read this offline, she wanted to know what was so funny? I don't want to corrupt her innocent mind. :)

Holy heart failure, this is excruciatingly funny.

You're as sick as Dr Dick Head!

[Woody]

hahaha yeah I can be that, I'm afraid. sadistic. I had a great time making Ivor Longwon's life hellish.
I'm elated you found it funny, Paloma
thank you for the sweet visit. call again :)

[1VJ]

You know I will surely visit again, what's your specialty? :)

[Woody]

that's not a RR, I assure you. it's what people say when they have visitors, right? :)
specialty?

[1VJ]

Didn't matter, I was gonna anyway. Don't you serve refreshments and goodies to your guests when they visit?

[Woody]

that's what I thought but was afraid to sound silly in case you'd meant something else.
well, for the one who writes the sweetest reviews there'll be nothing less than champagne of course. and smoked salmon. unless you prefer hamburgers.

[1VJ]

I'm not even going to ask. Babysitting one little tyrannical minion, stuff your poems are made of or I'd have a better response! ;)

[Jacob Clifford]

Macabre but funny story. You have a very good mix of those two traits that makes a very enjoyable story.

[Woody]

thanks heaps Cliff. yeah black humour can be funny if you're not squeemish. glad you found it funny.

[Shannon]

Oh, here's Richard. It is a little darker than most of your work, but we are all entitled to a little darkness. Not an ugly duckling, a black goose, maybe?

[Woody]

yep, that's him. he's in a couple of my writes. Barleygirl thinks it's a fixation. hmm she could be write :)
it is black humour, for sure, but humour all the same, I hope.
thank you very much for venturing here, S. very courageous.

[Shabeeh Haider]

Haha. Medical errors. Working as a doctor I have seen quite a few over the years.
I hope no doctor ever makes such a mistake. You have again woven a wonderful and amusing tale.

[Woody]

there have been quite a few here, snce the Revolution, unfortunately. I'm sure there have always been errors but they were systematically covered up. the newly gained freedom of speech, in Tunisia, has revealed plenty of the rot, inside.
Thanks a lot Haider. always a joy to see you enjoy my writes.

[barleygirl]

I'm getting the distinct impression you have a phallic obsession (as most men do, but in your case, posting your ramblings publicly, it just becomes more pronounced, the more I read you) . . . there's your own handle on this website, to begin with, & now we have Dr. Dickhead, & so many others scattered thru your stories. In a rare moment of seriousness, this is a killer analogy: "Oxygen masks dangled and danced about like inverted cobras out of their wicker baskets." I like the twist in this story better than most of yours . . . funny in your sick & twisted way! *smile*

[Woody]

I'm so sorry I didn't respond any quicker. I had to stop laughing first. you killed me with the phallic obsession. this is a first. I won't forget it hahaha. Gosh maybe you're right, B. are you that good in Psychoanalysis (is that what we call it)?
you know, I like to play around with names and my handle, I have to explain.
in my younger days, I used to look very much like Woody Allen (who happens to be one of my favourite actors/screenwriters. I've always been nicknamed Woody.
thank you very much for the review, praise and the hearty belly laugh :)

[barleygirl]

A deceased best friend & I used to text daily . . . one time we tried to think of all the different ways to refer to the most treasured part of the male anatomy (woody, package, beamer, rod, etc.) . . . Maybe I should dig out those old communiques & make this into a poem. I'm sorry if I've now revealed what I think of every time I see your name on here! *tee! hee!* . . . Yes, I do like Woody Allen very much, but you are much better looking! (((HUGS)))

[Woody]

I see what you're doing. trying to re-win me over :) it's ok, I forgive you.
when I began to better understand English, I instantly fell in love with the English humour. the funnisest jokes, I find, are those with sexual references and innuendos. that's as good as any explanation for the kind of humour I enjoy writing.
I don't think I've heard beamer before :)
HUGS back

[Moonie]

Haha....don't kill your darlings, woody.., that's the sacred rule...this one is a gem as well...
I am not that creeped out my insects..(it's the lemurs and possoms that freak me out)..but somehow that nasty fly (oh..sod it!) managed to make me feel icky...

[Woody]

aaah another positive review! thanks a bunch, Dear. I'm super glad you liked it.
I've never seen lemurs, possoms or badgers except in pictures. we don't have them here. damn shame.

[alanwgraham]

Brilliant - it would take me a long time to write a piece like this. It's very well put together and the idea of the mix up with the arms is great.
Well done!
Alan

[Woody]

thank you so much, my friend for stopping to read and for the compliment. I'm particularly partial to this one and feel a tad pained that some didn't find it find it good enough.