Sex Kills.

Let's say I'm experimenting something.

The black BFTX Jag came down the street at a sedate pace then slowed down and finally stopped in front of a two-storey house, at the end of the block. When the driver finally cut off the engine, the soothing noises of the early afternoon reached him through the open window. Birdsong and the droning of the bees, a clear indication that spring was finally here.

Woody Harrington took off the Raybans and tossed them on the dashboard. He opened the door and stepped out. The sun hit him full in the face, making him squint. He formed a bill with his hand to shield his eyes and looked at the patch of garden where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was mowing the lawn. He could hear her singing in a husky voice: Baby if you give it to me, I’ll give it to you, I know what you want.

 

Sandy was wearing cut-off Jeans that showed unending tanned legs and a white tanktop that had trouble containing her ample bosom. She looked the picture of health. Her eyes twinkled and her full lips curled into a welcoming smile when she saw the visitor.

“Mornin’, Wood,” she said.

Woody nervously fingered his zipper and replied:

“Eer.. Morning, Sandy. Mike in?”

“Yep. Go right ahead!”

 

[Aah, I can almost see the frown on your faces. I should’ve started from the beginning, sorry. So let me tell you how it all started.] 

Let’s Rewind:

Woody walked backwards down the driveway.

Sandy: “daeha thgir og!”

Woody: “?ni ekiM. ydnaS, gninrom..ree”

Woody fingered his zipper and Sandy said: “dooW ninrom”

Woody continued to do the moonwalk as Sandy broke into a strange song while grass started spilling out of the mower and planting itself back into the ground. 

Woody reached the road and stopped to shield his eyes against the glare of the sun then climbed into his car, backwards. He put his Raybans back on, started the car then reversed to the top of the street.

 

[Press “Play”].

 

Six weeks earlier.

 

“You look worried,” said Woody, after he pressed control/s to save the document he was typing.

Mike, his office mate, had stopped working a while ago and was staring out the window, lost in his thoughts.

“Woody,” he said, snapping out of his trance, “I need your help. Badly.”

"What’s on your mind, buddy?”

“You know Sandy and I are no longer getting on well.”

“I know and I told you a divorce was in the interest of all concerned.”

“Never!” he didn’t mean to snap but his friend didn’t seem to notice. “A divorce would rob me of what’s rightfully mine.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, for one thing there’s her Lexus. Then the farm her late father left her.”

“Oh I didn’t know her father was dead.”

“Yeah, he’s dead alright. Cancer.”

“Cancer? What is it?”

“It’s an incurable disease. Predictable really. He was a chain smoker. Breast cancer. But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Go ahead. Tell me.”

“I want to..”, said Mike and looked at the closed door. “I want to kill her.”

“Hahahaha, you’re a funny gu.. Wait! You ARE serious!”

“Oh, yes, I am. Only I can’t think of a foolproof method. You know how good they are these days with DNA and hair fiber and all that s**t. And that’s why I need your help.”

Woody blew his cheeks, thought a moment then declared:

“Listen, Mike. I know a way. No shooting or stabbing or poisoning involved. It’s a method used by the Phookaz tribe. Somewhere in the Andes.

“Never heard of them.”

“I’m not surprised. Just made it up. Anyway, wanna hear it?”

“Come on, you know I do. Tell me.”

So Woody told him.

“Make love to her as frequently as you can and she dies. No. don’t roll your eyes. Makes you look like a frog. Hear me out. Women’s endurance in the sex department is overrated. Make love to your woman twice or three times a day for two months and I guarantee she’ll snuff it.”

Mike didn’t need much convincing. He took a leave of absence and followed his friend’s advice.

 

Woody didn’t see his friend for almost two months. He decided to pay him a visit.

[This next part, I’ve already told you so let’s Fast Forward, shall we?]

The black BFTX Jag came down the street at a breakneck speed and screeched to a stop in front of a two-storey house, at the end of the block. The driver took off his Raybans and threw them on the dashboard, jumped out of the car, made a quick military salute then walked jerkily up the driveway where a drop-dead gorgeous blond was hastily mowing the lawn. She was singing a rap song in a high pitched voice.

-         

M"MorninWood."

-        "Eer..MorningSandyMikein?"

-         “YepGorightahead!"

[Hit Pause II]

Back to normal speed.

“He’s in the bedroom,” said Sandy, resuming her mowing.

“The bedroom? What is it?”

“It’s a room with a bed and a wardrobe. That’s where we sleep.”

Woody shook his head and proceeded inside the house.

“Hey, Mike!” He hollered. He thought he heard a frog croak. Puzzled, he followed the sound and pushed the door to what he assumed was the bedroom and stopped dead, mouth agape.

Mike, or what vaguely looked like Mike, was propped up in bed, offering his friend what passed for a smile but was in fact a ghastly grimace.

Mike had lost weight. His cheeks were sunken, his eyes threatening to pop out of his head, what’s left of his hair’s all over the place.

“WHAT THE…?” said Woody. “You OK?”

“Never better,” said Mike and smiled again.

“I haven’t seen you for over a month. You got me worried.”

“Worry not, my friend. Been busy lately, if you see what I mean.”

“you mean you went on with the plan? Twice a day?”

Mike was suddenly racked by a vicious cough. Woody expected to see his lungs pop out of his mouth any minute. When the cough subsided, Mike said with a wheezing voice:

“Not twice. Not three times. Four.”

“Jesus! Where did you find the semen, I mean the stamina?”

“Not just a pretty face, am I? You know Woody, I almost feel sorry for her,” said Mike, labouring to breathe, “She doesn’t know she’s got only a couple of weeks to live.” 

Author's Note

if you're a faithful reader of mine, I know you'll understand and commiserate.
if you've just stumbled upon this, know that, occasionally, weird things would sprout out of my head over which I have no control. care to leave your thoughts?

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I'm still getting used to your style & humor, so this one really has my head spinning! Your sense of adventure & imagination know no bounds! I'm amazed at all the little funnies you pack in, along the way, beyond your major central funny of the actual story (like the backing up & fast forwarding). I enjoy a story where the ending is left open, making the reader work for his/her laughter! You're a kick! *smile*

[Woody]

you have no idea how happy you've just made me, barleygirl. I didn' think you'd grace my page again. my type of humour may not be to the taste of everybody but I keep telling those who will listen that my objective is to entertain and I leave the "serious" writes to the others. there are more than enough of them, on here.

thank you, Lady :)

[Beccy]

Brilliant! If this was a painting by Salvador Dali, it would be classed as a surreal masterpiece.

I just loved this Woody.

Beccy.

[Woody]

aah too much honour Dear. thank you soo much :) as always I'm overjoyed you liked it.

[Gaston Villanueva]

This was another spectacular story Woody!
The fast-forward/rewind was innovative and my favorite part was actually believing that there was a method used by the Phookaz tribe to kill people haha
Terrific as always!

[Woody]

haha there are plenty of Phookers in the world, I'm sure.
thanks heaps my friend. such a pleasure to see you enjoy my stories.

[Debra White]

Hello again, Woody :)
Another fun read - the same engaging tone that I enjoyed in the last story (the Peter Piper one) with little asides to the reader which are so effective. Loved the fast-forward, rewind parts. I like that you gave the main player in the story your own name. Poor old Mike, he hasn't got much between his ears has he?! At least he's going to die happy, bless him!
Love your sense of humour and look forward to reading more from you soon.
Kindest regards, Debra :)

[Woody]

Hi Debra :)
thank you so much. I'm elated you like my zany sense of humour. I have fun writing stories and addressing the reader and hope that the reader will equally enjoy reading them.
thanks again Debs.

[Debra White]

You're welcome :)

[mattavelli]

Hi Woody, You lured me in with a sexy woman, fed me the plot, and ended with a good punch line.
It was fun. Thanks for sharing.

[Woody]

thanks a lot Mattavelli. most of my women are sexy. makes life more attractive.
so glad you enjoyed this crazy one.

[Samuel Dickens]

Haaaa! Okay, okay, she's bound to be a goner---one of these days. This one's zanier than most, but quite effective. Now I'm going to eat a dozen oysters.

[Woody]

hahaha you know Zany's my middle name, right?
nah forget about the oysters. I ate 20 oysters once. only the first 19 worked.
thanks a lot Sam. I feel it still needs a bit of editing.

[Marie]

Woody, I think this is one of the best things you've written. I like the rewing and fast-forward gimmick. I have never seen this done, but I'm not surprised you thought of it.

[Woody]

aah Marie, you've just made my evening! you're a gem, thank you very much.
I agonized over it for the past couple of weeks, not knowing how it would be perceived.

[Marie]

Well, I liked it; Sam liked it--we know what's good.