Sex Kills.

Let's say I'm experimenting something.

The black BFTX Jag came down the street at a sedate pace then slowed down and finally stopped in front of a two-storey house, at the end of the block. When the driver finally cut off the engine, the soothing noises of the early afternoon reached him through the open window. Birdsong and the droning of the bees, a clear indication that spring was finally here.

Woody Harrington took off the Raybans and tossed them on the dashboard. He opened the door and stepped out. The sun hit him full in the face, making him squint. He formed a bill with his hand to shield his eyes and looked at the patch of garden where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was mowing the lawn. He could hear her singing in a husky voice: Baby if you give it to me, I’ll give it to you, I know what you want.

 

Sandy was wearing cut-off Jeans that showed unending tanned legs and a white tanktop that had trouble containing her ample bosom. She looked the picture of health. Her eyes twinkled and her full lips curled into a welcoming smile when she saw the visitor.

“Mornin’, Wood,” she said.

Woody nervously fingered his zipper and replied:

“Eer.. Morning, Sandy. Mike in?”

“Yep. Go right ahead!”

 

[Aah, I can almost see the frown on your faces. I should’ve started from the beginning, sorry. So let me tell you how it all started.] 

Let’s Rewind:

Woody walked backwards down the driveway.

Sandy: “daeha thgir og!”

Woody: “?ni ekiM. ydnaS, gninrom..ree”

Woody fingered his zipper and Sandy said: “dooW ninrom”

Woody continued to do the moonwalk as Sandy broke into a strange song while grass started spilling out of the mower and planting itself back into the ground. 

Woody reached the road and stopped to shield his eyes against the glare of the sun then climbed into his car, backwards. He put his Raybans back on, started the car then reversed to the top of the street.

 

[Press “Play”].

 

Six weeks earlier.

 

“You look worried,” said Woody, after he pressed control/s to save the document he was typing.

Mike, his office mate, had stopped working a while ago and was staring out the window, lost in his thoughts.

“Woody,” he said, snapping out of his trance, “I need your help. Badly.”

"What’s on your mind, buddy?”

“You know Sandy and I are no longer getting on well.”

“I know and I told you a divorce was in the interest of all concerned.”

“Never!” he didn’t mean to snap but his friend didn’t seem to notice. “A divorce would rob me of what’s rightfully mine.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, for one thing there’s her Lexus. Then the farm her late father left her.”

“Oh I didn’t know her father was dead.”

“Yeah, he’s dead alright. Cancer.”

“Cancer? What is it?”

“It’s an incurable disease. Predictable really. He was a chain smoker. Breast cancer. But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Go ahead. Tell me.”

“I want to..”, said Mike and looked at the closed door. “I want to kill her.”

“Hahahaha, you’re a funny gu.. Wait! You ARE serious!”

“Oh, yes, I am. Only I can’t think of a foolproof method. You know how good they are these days with DNA and hair fiber and all that s**t. And that’s why I need your help.”

Woody blew his cheeks, thought a moment then declared:

“Listen, Mike. I know a way. No shooting or stabbing or poisoning involved. It’s a method used by the Phookaz tribe. Somewhere in the Andes.

“Never heard of them.”

“I’m not surprised. Just made it up. Anyway, wanna hear it?”

“Come on, you know I do. Tell me.”

So Woody told him.

“Make love to her as frequently as you can and she dies. No. don’t roll your eyes. Makes you look like a frog. Hear me out. Women’s endurance in the sex department is overrated. Make love to your woman twice or three times a day for two months and I guarantee she’ll snuff it.”

Mike didn’t need much convincing. He took a leave of absence and followed his friend’s advice.

 

Woody didn’t see his friend for almost two months. He decided to pay him a visit.

[This next part, I’ve already told you so let’s Fast Forward, shall we?]

The black BFTX Jag came down the street at a breakneck speed and screeched to a stop in front of a two-storey house, at the end of the block. The driver took off his Raybans and threw them on the dashboard, jumped out of the car, made a quick military salute then walked jerkily up the driveway where a drop-dead gorgeous blond was hastily mowing the lawn. She was singing a rap song in a high pitched voice.

-         

M"MorninWood."

-        "Eer..MorningSandyMikein?"

-         “YepGorightahead!"

[Hit Pause II]

Back to normal speed.

“He’s in the bedroom,” said Sandy, resuming her mowing.

“The bedroom? What is it?”

“It’s a room with a bed and a wardrobe. That’s where we sleep.”

Woody shook his head and proceeded inside the house.

“Hey, Mike!” He hollered. He thought he heard a frog croak. Puzzled, he followed the sound and pushed the door to what he assumed was the bedroom and stopped dead, mouth agape.

Mike, or what vaguely looked like Mike, was propped up in bed, offering his friend what passed for a smile but was in fact a ghastly grimace.

Mike had lost weight. His cheeks were sunken, his eyes threatening to pop out of his head, what’s left of his hair’s all over the place.

“WHAT THE…?” said Woody. “You OK?”

“Never better,” said Mike and smiled again.

“I haven’t seen you for over a month. You got me worried.”

“Worry not, my friend. Been busy lately, if you see what I mean.”

“you mean you went on with the plan? Twice a day?”

Mike was suddenly racked by a vicious cough. Woody expected to see his lungs pop out of his mouth any minute. When the cough subsided, Mike said with a wheezing voice:

“Not twice. Not three times. Four.”

“Jesus! Where did you find the semen, I mean the stamina?”

“Not just a pretty face, am I? You know Woody, I almost feel sorry for her,” said Mike, labouring to breathe, “She doesn’t know she’s got only a couple of weeks to live.” 

Author's Note

if you're a faithful reader of mine, I know you'll understand and commiserate.
if you've just stumbled upon this, know that, occasionally, weird things would sprout out of my head over which I have no control. care to leave your thoughts?

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I'm still getting used to your style & humor, so this one really has my head spinning! Your sense of adventure & imagination know no bounds! I'm amazed at all the little funnies you pack in, along the way, beyond your major central funny of the actual story (like the backing up & fast forwarding). I enjoy a story where the ending is left open, making the reader work for his/her laughter! You're a kick! *smile*

[Woody]

you have no idea how happy you've just made me, barleygirl. I didn' think you'd grace my page again. my type of humour may not be to the taste of everybody but I keep telling those who will listen that my objective is to entertain and I leave the "serious" writes to the others. there are more than enough of them, on here.

thank you, Lady :)

[Moonie]

Oh my god, it was literally as if I was watching it rewind then play again, and then fast forward. One of my favorite writes on WC!! In my library!!! :)))))
Hilarious!! :))

[Woody]

aww I'm elated :) thanks a lot Dear. I enjoyed writing that and could see it unfold, with my mind's eye. I had an idiot smile on my face, all the time I was writing. my wife's words.

[Lydia Shutter]

Okay, this is one of your craziest writes, Woody. The rewind and fast forward were clever, but a little annoying. "where did you get the semen, I mean stamina?" made me smile. Not sure Mike is killing her, but in a couple weeks, he will not have to worry because he will be dead. Never know what to expect when I read you! :) Lydi**

[Woody]

thanks a lot Lydia. yeah it is a crazy write, for sure. the rewind and FF would work well in a movie, I guess. I had to try it. was hoping the reader would find it funny :)

[Lydia Shutter]

:) always get a smile out of your work.

[Taylor]

I'm going to comment as I read through --- the first thing that strikes me is that the first paragraph does not (at least for me) have a hook. Though it sets a scene, I don't believe it engages the reader sufficiently. In the third paragraph, bosom should be plural -- or you might just says breasts. "She looked the picture of health" is cliché and it drags down the paragraph -- could easily be deleted and the paragraph would be strengthened. Very interesting and effective use of fast forward. I like the piece a lot, very amusing.

[Roland Petrov]

Woody is correct on "bosom" as one of the dictionary definitions is "a woman's breasts".

[Taylor]

I don't mind being wrong and I accept the dictionary definition. Thanks for letter me know. There is something to be said about common usage and at least in the US, I think bosom is a little antiquated -- though of course I don't go around talking about bosoms too often and aren't usually within earshot of others' comments on the same topic! Whatever, the meaning was clear and I guess that's the main thing that counts.

[Roland Petrov]

But Bosom is such a lovely word, isn't it? Hey, thanks for being a good sport!

[Taylor]

A smile back at you.

[Woody]

ok the busom thing is settled then. saves me a trip to Webster. thank you Roland :)
Taylor, thanks a million for being thorough and considerate. you're a doll.
first paragraph. I feel I have to set the scene. in addition, that is necessay for the "rewind/FF" scenes. ok I grant you it doesn't look like much at first. but when you play the scene twicw more, you realise that paragraph was there for a reason. (understand I'm trying to make you see it through my eyes)
the picture of health. trust me Taylor, since I've come to this site, I've learnt to avoid cliches, thanks to reviewers like yourself. so, if I use a cliche, it's for a good reason. again, you have to go further in the story to understand the reason for that cliche.
thanks again Taylor. I'm elated you liked the story.

[Woody]

huh! looks like the bosom up there has a cleavage (busom!) sorry.

[Taylor]

Ok, Woody, I got it. Good for you for asserting your authority as the writer. Not to use a cliche or anything, but stick to your guns.

[Woody]

hahaha who's using cliches now?
believe me, I don't mind critiques at all. thanks :)

[Taylor]

Thought you'd enjoy that.

[Woody]

been reading your "73..." excuse me, I've got a review to make.

[Chris M. Monks]

This is the first story of yours I stumbled onto and read. The best compliment I could give you is that I'm interested in reading your other stuff.

[Woody]

and I'm super glad and flattered, Chris. I hope you won't be disappointed. thank you very much.

[wordman]

and i`m sure he died happy with a smile on his face
singing amazing grace

[Woody]

lol he'd lost weight, it's true but yeah he died a happy man.
thanks wordman.

[Matching Socks]

Morning Wood... (Lqtm)
I guess the joke is on him. :)
It makes us stronger.

[Woody]

I've never doubted it Ana. you, women, are deceptively weak. and there lies your real strength. I admire you for that.
lovely to see you stop in. thank you Dear x :)

[Matching Socks]

You're welcome. :)

[Roland Petrov]

The brother of a friend of mine took Viagra and passed away on top of the woman just at the moment of climax (according to her). Not many better ways to go, I suppose. I bought a can of Harissa today; figured it probably works at least as good as Viagra, if not better, and it's not nearly as lethal. Your fast forward and rewind were very clever!

[Woody]

I've heard a few similar stories and yeah I guess it's a great way to (come and) go.
I didn't know harissa could work as an aphrodisiac. what I know from experience is that, after the deed is done, the lady will suffer the effects of the burning harissa. not on her tongue, though.
thank you very much Roland.

[Roland Petrov]

I think you're supposed to eat the harissa, but I'm not opposed to trying it your way. Talk about burning desire and having the hots!

[Woody]

no no you got me wrong. of course you eat the harissa. apparently it travels through your system and... I can't be more graphic in the open :)

[MsJewel]

Paybacks, paybacks, paybacks.....a little bad karma goes a long, long way...
some men will never learn, we are stronger than we look!

Love this one Woody!

:) Julie

[Woody]

haha payback? she didn't have to lift a finger. he brought it on himself. and it did her the world of good, apparently. you certainly are tough cookies :)
thanks a bunch, Jules.

[Valentine]

Every one really needs to watch out for the ' payback' . What was fair for the gander can be fair for the goose too. Guess he loses the farm. [have to admit I am smiling]. Valentine

[Woody]

I have a feeling the farm is not the only thing he's going to lose. to use another saying, he got a dose of his own medicine.
thank you Kathie. glad it made you smile.

[Trace]

Me thinks Mr. Woody has other plans for Mike's wife at his passing.
(oops, did I hit fast forward???)

I just smile every time I read your witty and whimsical writing.
You are a real pistol.

Trace

[Woody]

lol yes, you've gone a little too far ahead. thanks a lot Trace. I know poets are not all that thrilled by stories so I really appreciate your stopping by.
sorry I haven't reviewed you for some time but I always comment on your excellent collaborations with Julie.