Sex Kills.

Let's say I'm experimenting something.

The black BFTX Jag came down the street at a sedate pace then slowed down and finally stopped in front of a two-storey house, at the end of the block. When the driver finally cut off the engine, the soothing noises of the early afternoon reached him through the open window. Birdsong and the droning of the bees, a clear indication that spring was finally here.

Woody Harrington took off the Raybans and tossed them on the dashboard. He opened the door and stepped out. The sun hit him full in the face, making him squint. He formed a bill with his hand to shield his eyes and looked at the patch of garden where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was mowing the lawn. He could hear her singing in a husky voice: Baby if you give it to me, I’ll give it to you, I know what you want.

 

Sandy was wearing cut-off Jeans that showed unending tanned legs and a white tanktop that had trouble containing her ample bosom. She looked the picture of health. Her eyes twinkled and her full lips curled into a welcoming smile when she saw the visitor.

“Mornin’, Wood,” she said.

Woody nervously fingered his zipper and replied:

“Eer.. Morning, Sandy. Mike in?”

“Yep. Go right ahead!”

 

[Aah, I can almost see the frown on your faces. I should’ve started from the beginning, sorry. So let me tell you how it all started.] 

Let’s Rewind:

Woody walked backwards down the driveway.

Sandy: “daeha thgir og!”

Woody: “?ni ekiM. ydnaS, gninrom..ree”

Woody fingered his zipper and Sandy said: “dooW ninrom”

Woody continued to do the moonwalk as Sandy broke into a strange song while grass started spilling out of the mower and planting itself back into the ground. 

Woody reached the road and stopped to shield his eyes against the glare of the sun then climbed into his car, backwards. He put his Raybans back on, started the car then reversed to the top of the street.

 

[Press “Play”].

 

Six weeks earlier.

 

“You look worried,” said Woody, after he pressed control/s to save the document he was typing.

Mike, his office mate, had stopped working a while ago and was staring out the window, lost in his thoughts.

“Woody,” he said, snapping out of his trance, “I need your help. Badly.”

"What’s on your mind, buddy?”

“You know Sandy and I are no longer getting on well.”

“I know and I told you a divorce was in the interest of all concerned.”

“Never!” he didn’t mean to snap but his friend didn’t seem to notice. “A divorce would rob me of what’s rightfully mine.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, for one thing there’s her Lexus. Then the farm her late father left her.”

“Oh I didn’t know her father was dead.”

“Yeah, he’s dead alright. Cancer.”

“Cancer? What is it?”

“It’s an incurable disease. Predictable really. He was a chain smoker. Breast cancer. But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Go ahead. Tell me.”

“I want to..”, said Mike and looked at the closed door. “I want to kill her.”

“Hahahaha, you’re a funny gu.. Wait! You ARE serious!”

“Oh, yes, I am. Only I can’t think of a foolproof method. You know how good they are these days with DNA and hair fiber and all that s**t. And that’s why I need your help.”

Woody blew his cheeks, thought a moment then declared:

“Listen, Mike. I know a way. No shooting or stabbing or poisoning involved. It’s a method used by the Phookaz tribe. Somewhere in the Andes.

“Never heard of them.”

“I’m not surprised. Just made it up. Anyway, wanna hear it?”

“Come on, you know I do. Tell me.”

So Woody told him.

“Make love to her as frequently as you can and she dies. No. don’t roll your eyes. Makes you look like a frog. Hear me out. Women’s endurance in the sex department is overrated. Make love to your woman twice or three times a day for two months and I guarantee she’ll snuff it.”

Mike didn’t need much convincing. He took a leave of absence and followed his friend’s advice.

 

Woody didn’t see his friend for almost two months. He decided to pay him a visit.

[This next part, I’ve already told you so let’s Fast Forward, shall we?]

The black BFTX Jag came down the street at a breakneck speed and screeched to a stop in front of a two-storey house, at the end of the block. The driver took off his Raybans and threw them on the dashboard, jumped out of the car, made a quick military salute then walked jerkily up the driveway where a drop-dead gorgeous blond was hastily mowing the lawn. She was singing a rap song in a high pitched voice.

-         

M"MorninWood."

-        "Eer..MorningSandyMikein?"

-         “YepGorightahead!"

[Hit Pause II]

Back to normal speed.

“He’s in the bedroom,” said Sandy, resuming her mowing.

“The bedroom? What is it?”

“It’s a room with a bed and a wardrobe. That’s where we sleep.”

Woody shook his head and proceeded inside the house.

“Hey, Mike!” He hollered. He thought he heard a frog croak. Puzzled, he followed the sound and pushed the door to what he assumed was the bedroom and stopped dead, mouth agape.

Mike, or what vaguely looked like Mike, was propped up in bed, offering his friend what passed for a smile but was in fact a ghastly grimace.

Mike had lost weight. His cheeks were sunken, his eyes threatening to pop out of his head, what’s left of his hair’s all over the place.

“WHAT THE…?” said Woody. “You OK?”

“Never better,” said Mike and smiled again.

“I haven’t seen you for over a month. You got me worried.”

“Worry not, my friend. Been busy lately, if you see what I mean.”

“you mean you went on with the plan? Twice a day?”

Mike was suddenly racked by a vicious cough. Woody expected to see his lungs pop out of his mouth any minute. When the cough subsided, Mike said with a wheezing voice:

“Not twice. Not three times. Four.”

“Jesus! Where did you find the semen, I mean the stamina?”

“Not just a pretty face, am I? You know Woody, I almost feel sorry for her,” said Mike, labouring to breathe, “She doesn’t know she’s got only a couple of weeks to live.” 

Author's Note

if you're a faithful reader of mine, I know you'll understand and commiserate.
if you've just stumbled upon this, know that, occasionally, weird things would sprout out of my head over which I have no control. care to leave your thoughts?

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I'm still getting used to your style & humor, so this one really has my head spinning! Your sense of adventure & imagination know no bounds! I'm amazed at all the little funnies you pack in, along the way, beyond your major central funny of the actual story (like the backing up & fast forwarding). I enjoy a story where the ending is left open, making the reader work for his/her laughter! You're a kick! *smile*

[Woody]

you have no idea how happy you've just made me, barleygirl. I didn' think you'd grace my page again. my type of humour may not be to the taste of everybody but I keep telling those who will listen that my objective is to entertain and I leave the "serious" writes to the others. there are more than enough of them, on here.

thank you, Lady :)

[1VJ]

You're a disturbed creature, I've noticed your writings lean towards the macabre, something you wanna share, funny the guy's name was Woody! :) Yes, I laughed out loud, gonna wake the neighbors!

I’m not upset about my divorce. I’m only upset I’m not a widow.
- Roseanne Barr

You guys would get along swimmingly. ;)

[Woody]

trust me Paloma, not all my stories lean towards the macabre but I'll do whatever it takes to extract a smile from the reader :) so even though you found it "slightly" macabre, I'm happy it made you laugh.
now, I believe another reviewer mentioned the name Woody. this is what gave me the idea for that name. the character had a different name at the beginning and when Sandy greeted him, I needed something funny to put into her mouth and I thought of "morning wood" TARAAA!
thanks again for another lovely visit, Paloma.

[1VJ]

I can't believe you went there, strike that, yes I can! :)

[Jacob Clifford]

Dear God, Woody! What have you done?! What kind of dark, demonic creature did you sell your soul to gain this kind of writing ability? In 1064 words, you've managed to create one of the funniest stories I have ever read!

When it got to the fast-forward part, I had to stop reading for about two minutes just to laugh. I'm serious. My eyes were wet, my gut was sore, and my cats were very worried.

The moment I read "Phookaz", "Just made it up", and "two or three times a day", I started making a sound not unlike that of a horny chipmunk looking for his nuts. That is to say, something similar to a dry and raspy "Heuh heuh heuh".

After reading the last few paragraphs, I was quite sure I had laughed so hard I cracked a kidney.

If you ever feel down about your writing abilities, just remember that your crazy mind came up with this incredible tale.

[Woody]

God what can I say? thank you for a funny and glowing review, Cliff. I know what I'll do. I'm going to enlarge this review, print it and put it in a frame. thanks again for wonderful praise, though it gave me a big head, I admit :) I'm elated it made you laugh.

[Shannon]

You use unique techniques that really add to a pretty simple story. And you, apparently love "Airplane"?!?

[Woody]

thank you very much for stopping to read this one, S. you're the first to mention Airplane. well spotted! I saw the movieyears ago and I remember laughing my head off. the whole family did.

[alifeacoustic]

Love the rewind Woody, the phrase expect the unexpected comes to mind everytime I read your work. And the bedroom explanation was hilarious, I like a writer who only ever visits the box to think outside of it.
Brilliant story, poor lucky guy. This made me think of Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle, who said “What do you mean there is no good way to die, haven’t you ever heard of a drug fuelled sex heart attack. 
As ever Woody, top marks…Go to the head of the class.

[Woody]

hahaha love the Boyle quote. never heard it before. glad I pleasantly surprised you alfe.
thank you my friend :)

[Kaliope]

Okay, incredibly valuable lesson I learned today: I'll have to put my beverages well out of reach before I read your stories, otherwise my rather expensive keyboard's gonna snuff it.
Seriously, Woody, this was too funny for words. The rewind/pause/fast forward part was hilarious and omg the advice to Mike... jeez, I hope he's gonna make it, while I'm still kind of hoping he's not gonna realize his misconception any time soon for the sake of Sandy. As a woman I'm rooting (kind of weak pun totally intended) for both of them :-D

[Woody]

aaah I'm elated you like this one, Kaliope :) I sure had fun writing it.
Gee, I've also learnt something, this morning. first time I took a man for a woman. now I take a woman for a man!! is there something as feminine write and masculine write? haha I kept telling the other guy: ta luv and thx Dear. damn! embarrassing.

[Woody]

oh and thanks for taking the time, Dear :)

[Kaliope]

Haha, I don't know how the guy feels, but I sure am flattered that you couldn't tell from my writing :-)

[Scrap]

You make reading fun!

You are descriptive, funny and innovative. Phookaz...really?!

Booyakasha!

[Woody]

mission accomplished then :) so glad you found it funny. thank you Scrap.
yeah terrible tribe!

[Cathy Wattam]

This tickled me. No. Not in that way. Loving the humour. Eyes popping out of his head, lungs popping out of his mouth. It reminded me of the film Airplane. And I've never got over that.

[Woody]

I've seen Airplane more than once and was in stitches.
say, come here often?
thank you. again. I'm extatic that this one tickled you.

[Cathy Wattam]

I think you'll find it's 'ecstatic'. Goodness, I'm annoying. And don't call me Shirley ;)

[Woody]

hahaha of shoot! I swear I felt there was something wrong with the spelling but didn't bother to check. it's midnight here. no you're not annoying, Shi.. I mean Cathy. please point out my errors.

[Elise Anton]

You Sir are a marvel. Thank you for the giggle, and may you ever bless us with more! Halelujah! Humour lives!

[Woody]

thank you so much, Dear :) so glad you enjoyed this. who said robots had no sense of humour?

[Elise Anton]

Robots rock! Organic ones at least! Not sure about the other lot yet, waiting for the first piece of artificially intelligent prose ;)