Sex Kills.

Let's say I'm experimenting something.

The black BFTX Jag came down the street at a sedate pace then slowed down and finally stopped in front of a two-storey house, at the end of the block. When the driver finally cut off the engine, the soothing noises of the early afternoon reached him through the open window. Birdsong and the droning of the bees, a clear indication that spring was finally here.

Woody Harrington took off the Raybans and tossed them on the dashboard. He opened the door and stepped out. The sun hit him full in the face, making him squint. He formed a bill with his hand to shield his eyes and looked at the patch of garden where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was mowing the lawn. He could hear her singing in a husky voice: Baby if you give it to me, I’ll give it to you, I know what you want.

 

Sandy was wearing cut-off Jeans that showed unending tanned legs and a white tanktop that had trouble containing her ample bosom. She looked the picture of health. Her eyes twinkled and her full lips curled into a welcoming smile when she saw the visitor.

“Mornin’, Wood,” she said.

Woody nervously fingered his zipper and replied:

“Eer.. Morning, Sandy. Mike in?”

“Yep. Go right ahead!”

 

[Aah, I can almost see the frown on your faces. I should’ve started from the beginning, sorry. So let me tell you how it all started.] 

Let’s Rewind:

Woody walked backwards down the driveway.

Sandy: “daeha thgir og!”

Woody: “?ni ekiM. ydnaS, gninrom..ree”

Woody fingered his zipper and Sandy said: “dooW ninrom”

Woody continued to do the moonwalk as Sandy broke into a strange song while grass started spilling out of the mower and planting itself back into the ground. 

Woody reached the road and stopped to shield his eyes against the glare of the sun then climbed into his car, backwards. He put his Raybans back on, started the car then reversed to the top of the street.

 

[Press “Play”].

 

Six weeks earlier.

 

“You look worried,” said Woody, after he pressed control/s to save the document he was typing.

Mike, his office mate, had stopped working a while ago and was staring out the window, lost in his thoughts.

“Woody,” he said, snapping out of his trance, “I need your help. Badly.”

"What’s on your mind, buddy?”

“You know Sandy and I are no longer getting on well.”

“I know and I told you a divorce was in the interest of all concerned.”

“Never!” he didn’t mean to snap but his friend didn’t seem to notice. “A divorce would rob me of what’s rightfully mine.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, for one thing there’s her Lexus. Then the farm her late father left her.”

“Oh I didn’t know her father was dead.”

“Yeah, he’s dead alright. Cancer.”

“Cancer? What is it?”

“It’s an incurable disease. Predictable really. He was a chain smoker. Breast cancer. But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Go ahead. Tell me.”

“I want to..”, said Mike and looked at the closed door. “I want to kill her.”

“Hahahaha, you’re a funny gu.. Wait! You ARE serious!”

“Oh, yes, I am. Only I can’t think of a foolproof method. You know how good they are these days with DNA and hair fiber and all that s**t. And that’s why I need your help.”

Woody blew his cheeks, thought a moment then declared:

“Listen, Mike. I know a way. No shooting or stabbing or poisoning involved. It’s a method used by the Phookaz tribe. Somewhere in the Andes.

“Never heard of them.”

“I’m not surprised. Just made it up. Anyway, wanna hear it?”

“Come on, you know I do. Tell me.”

So Woody told him.

“Make love to her as frequently as you can and she dies. No. don’t roll your eyes. Makes you look like a frog. Hear me out. Women’s endurance in the sex department is overrated. Make love to your woman twice or three times a day for two months and I guarantee she’ll snuff it.”

Mike didn’t need much convincing. He took a leave of absence and followed his friend’s advice.

 

Woody didn’t see his friend for almost two months. He decided to pay him a visit.

[This next part, I’ve already told you so let’s Fast Forward, shall we?]

The black BFTX Jag came down the street at a breakneck speed and screeched to a stop in front of a two-storey house, at the end of the block. The driver took off his Raybans and threw them on the dashboard, jumped out of the car, made a quick military salute then walked jerkily up the driveway where a drop-dead gorgeous blond was hastily mowing the lawn. She was singing a rap song in a high pitched voice.

-         

M"MorninWood."

-        "Eer..MorningSandyMikein?"

-         “YepGorightahead!"

[Hit Pause II]

Back to normal speed.

“He’s in the bedroom,” said Sandy, resuming her mowing.

“The bedroom? What is it?”

“It’s a room with a bed and a wardrobe. That’s where we sleep.”

Woody shook his head and proceeded inside the house.

“Hey, Mike!” He hollered. He thought he heard a frog croak. Puzzled, he followed the sound and pushed the door to what he assumed was the bedroom and stopped dead, mouth agape.

Mike, or what vaguely looked like Mike, was propped up in bed, offering his friend what passed for a smile but was in fact a ghastly grimace.

Mike had lost weight. His cheeks were sunken, his eyes threatening to pop out of his head, what’s left of his hair’s all over the place.

“WHAT THE…?” said Woody. “You OK?”

“Never better,” said Mike and smiled again.

“I haven’t seen you for over a month. You got me worried.”

“Worry not, my friend. Been busy lately, if you see what I mean.”

“you mean you went on with the plan? Twice a day?”

Mike was suddenly racked by a vicious cough. Woody expected to see his lungs pop out of his mouth any minute. When the cough subsided, Mike said with a wheezing voice:

“Not twice. Not three times. Four.”

“Jesus! Where did you find the semen, I mean the stamina?”

“Not just a pretty face, am I? You know Woody, I almost feel sorry for her,” said Mike, labouring to breathe, “She doesn’t know she’s got only a couple of weeks to live.” 

Author's Note

if you're a faithful reader of mine, I know you'll understand and commiserate.
if you've just stumbled upon this, know that, occasionally, weird things would sprout out of my head over which I have no control. care to leave your thoughts?

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I'm still getting used to your style & humor, so this one really has my head spinning! Your sense of adventure & imagination know no bounds! I'm amazed at all the little funnies you pack in, along the way, beyond your major central funny of the actual story (like the backing up & fast forwarding). I enjoy a story where the ending is left open, making the reader work for his/her laughter! You're a kick! *smile*

[Woody]

you have no idea how happy you've just made me, barleygirl. I didn' think you'd grace my page again. my type of humour may not be to the taste of everybody but I keep telling those who will listen that my objective is to entertain and I leave the "serious" writes to the others. there are more than enough of them, on here.

thank you, Lady :)

[Marvin Thomas Cox-Flynn..]

Woody,

I read this riviting and humorous little tale some ago, when I was on this site, and left due to Trolls and such ... Point is, I still love this tale of yours and my thoughts on it have not change a single smidgen or inklings iota, as per: A very unique and original tale that is more than just entertaining ... It is also well engineered, for lack of a better term ... Your imagination has taken you into that realm where men like to bask in their manhood and ability to woo a woman to bed, as guys like to exaggerate how often they do the nasty and the very notion of a guy thinking he could love a woman to death is absolutely hilarious, ridiculous, but hilarious, and the way you have woven Mike to where he is so oblivious to the state of his own health and appearance out of the climaxing self deception that he is actually in the process of poking his wife to death in order to inherit her assets is, not only mind boggling, it is astounding ... I say, hilariously astounding, and a tale excellently told as a masterpiece of humor, and male ego satire ...

Marvin Thomas Cox-Flynn de Graham

[Woody]

Dear Marvin
I am humbled by your compliments. Thank you my friend. I'm so glad you liked it for you obviously like my quirky mind.
I haven't been on the site for quite a while for various reasons, not least of all, laziness but that's a long story. I keep promising myself to "get back on the saddle". Perhaps I will this time. God bless.

[Great Aunt Astri]

Woody, I didn't write the comments below (7 months ago) I did not know you got published. I did write the year ago one though. Who is this other Great Aunt Astri who keeps writing comments in my name!!!!

[Great Aunt Astri]

You got published, Woody!!!!!!! Congratulations!
And this one, yes, I did understand and commiserate!
These things happen to us all,... if only we are honest! (Well, perhaps only to a man!). I enjoyed the read.

[Einstein Noodle]

i think you set the stage and the wind and re-wind is a challenge adding interest ...the irony and "humor" of him being his own victim and not having a clue is evident .. i want more than the ending given ... do you have future chapters rolling around in your noggin?
E.

[Woody]

ah but he asked a connoisseur who assured him that it was an infallible and tested method.
Gosh I never thought of adding anything to the story. I had to end it with a punchline and leave it at that but why not? it does lend itself to a sequel. worth thinking about.
thanks loads for stopping in, E. glad you liked this one.

[Einstein Noodle]

infallible and tested indeed! ... yes ..a sequel ... you can't leave such beauty and grace mowing the lawn out front!! and poor Mikey waxing spent in bed ...and "alleged friend" Woody rockin' a Jag and Raybans ;) sequel i say sequel!!! :))
E.

[Troy Henson]

you never cease to amaze and delight me, Woody! I find your humour uplifting and it always makes my day!

Cheers

[Marvin Thomas Cox-Flynn..]

A very unique and original tale that is more than just entertaining ... It is also well engineered, for lack of a better term ... Your imagination has taken you into that realm where men like to bask in their manhood and ability to woo a woman to bed, as guys like to exaggerate how often they do the nasty and the very notion of a guy thinking he could love a woman to death is absolutely hilarious, ridiculous, but hilarious, and the way you have woven Mike to where he is so oblivious to the state of his own health and appearance out of the climaxing self deception that he is actually in the process of poking his wife to death in order to inherit her assets is, not only mind boggling, it is astounding ... I say, hilariously astounding, and a tale excellently told as a masterpiece of humor, and male ego satire ...

[Woody]

my God, Marvin! thank you so much for this glowing review. I'm happy and appreciative that you liked the story. I admit I had fun writing it and was hoping reviewers would have as much pleasure reading it as I had writing it.

[Nigel Newman]

Oh Woody; I'm seeing Leslie Nielsen, OJ, and of course Priscilla. Your humour takes me straight to Naked Gun. I was very taken with the fast rewind and fast fwd.

[Woody]

Hi Nigel. thank you for visiting. always a pleasure to see you around.
now, that you mention it, I almost regret mimicking Leslie Nielson but how can I stop the things that made me laugh out loud in movies from intruding on my thoughts when I'm wriyting? Still, I'll have to keep that in mind.
thanks again.

[Norman 223]

Just remind me never to read any of your stories when I'm in a public place, Woody. Urination can be so embarrassing when you can't rewind in time.
Your surreal style of humour has to be the best medication I've ever taken.
Norm.

[Woody]

hahaha Norm, thank you for stopping to read and for being one of the wittiest reviewers in the Café.
such a pleasure to know you enjoyed this one.

[J.A. Blackwell]

Ha ha! The last line was so great. This happened to be the first story I've read written by you so far and I love your humor and style.

[Woody]

hi EE. thank you so much for stopping to read. I, sure, am glad you enjoyed this one.
cheers :)

[Lorry]

Don't know how you done it Woody, but I'm pretty sure I trademarked rewinding and confusion the day I started writing. Oh no, wait! I recall it now. I was going to, but a shiny thing flew by and distracted me :)
LOve it. (See! It was so good I gave it two capital letters) :)

[Woody]

haha you're too kind Nemo. thanks heaps. so glad you liked it. it was fun rewinding and FFing.