Red Roses

Sarah's leading a wild life. She's finally found the right man.

Sarah kicked the door shut with the back of her foot, tossed her keys and handbag on the table by the door and made a bee line for the kitchen. She opened the fridge and, arms akimbo, contemplated its contents. She jumped as something brushed her leg.

“Jesus, Snowy! Can’t you meow like all the other cats? Don’t you sneak up on me like that, you silly girl.”

The white Persian cat looked up with round eyes and emitted a soft meow.

“Yeah, right. A bit late don’t you think?”

Sarah scooped up the cat with one hand and took a bottle of white wine from the fridge. She poured a hefty measure in a wine glass and, Glass in hand, she went to the living room, kicking off her shoes on the way.

Sarah sat on her recliner, put Snowy on her lap, took a long swallow and deposited her glass on the low coffee table by her side. She leant her head on the headrest and closed her eyes. She absent-mindedly stroked the cat, which purred contentedly.

“Why’s my life in shambles, Snowy?” she asked the feline.

Snowy turned to Sarah, blinked once then closed her eyes as if to say there she goes again!

“Why do I seem to attract the wrong guys? I’m not a bad sort, am I? All I want is a kind soul, someone to lean on, someone to hold my hand and love me for what I am, not for my physical attributes.”

The purring increased in volume as if to drown out the woman’s voice.

Truth is, Sarah was what you’d call a looker. With her flamboyant ginger hair, freckles, upturned nose and her twinkling blue eyes, she could never pass unnoticed wherever she went.

“Could Willy be the one, Snowy? Of course I’ve only known him for a week, but he’s never tried any monkey business. He’s always been so sweet, caring and.. and.. well, I like him. Unlike that b*****d. I don’t even remember his name.”

She shuddered inwardly. Images of that terrible night came unbidden. She’d had one over the eight. He’d made eye contact, smiled and she’d crumbled. He was good looking. That much she remembered. He’d taken her outside, behind a dumpster, in a dark alley and…. She shook her head. How could she fall so low? And then she’d driven home, completely wasted. It’s a wonder she hadn’t killed anybody or herself. It was a good thing that a cop stopped her. She saw the flashing red and blue lights of the police car and pulled over. That part she remembered quite well.

The cop, a young man no older than 22 or 23, swaggered towards her car, hand on his holstered gun and, like the cops in American movies, said:

“keep your hands where I can see them.” (I’ve always wanted to used this line in a story)

“Good evening Oshifer,” slurred Sarah.

“License and registration please, Ma’m.”

“Sure. Here. Washa problem?”

“Step out of the vehicle, please, Ma’m and wait right there.”

The young cop went back to his car and returned with a breathalyzer.

“Here. Blow in here, please.”

“Do I really have to?”

“I’m afraid so, Ma’m. Smells like you’ve been drinking.”

“Oh, jush a glash o’ wine white with a friend. But if you inshisht, here.”

The policeman looked at the apparatus and whistled.

“Looks like you’ve had a stiff one tonight, Ma’m.”

“Oh! Does that show as well?”

The doorbell mercifully pulled her out of her reverie. 

Puzzled, she went to open the door thinking it was certainly Sandra come for a drink and a chinwag. Sarah looked through the peephole and her heartbeat accelerated. There, on the stoop, was Willy, her new beau. He clearly had an embarrassed smile on his face and appeared to be fidgeting. She opened the door with a smile of her own.

“Good evening Sarah,” he said, “I hope I haven’t come at a bad time.”

“Uh.. no.. uh.. not at all. I’m glad you came. Please come in.”

Like a conjuror, Willy brought out a bunch of red roses from behind his back and offered them to Sarah who couldn’t believe her eyes. Did people still offer roses? How romantic! She turned around and sprinted towards her bedroom, calling out:

“Please come here, Willy!”

Slightly intrigued, Willy followed her into the bedroom and found her stark naked (that was quick!) with her arms and legs spread wide open.

Willy’s mouth sagged.

“This is for the roses, Willy,” she declared in a sultry voice.

“Don’t be silly,” replied the stud, “surely you can find a vase somewhere.” 

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

Unfortunate situation with this here lass; one which affects a lot of women, although 'hopefully' not quite so extravagant. Now, I could go on and on about the paradox behind Sarah's actions... or I could stick to the humour you so pride yourself in. :P I am left wondering, is it sheer coincidence that 'willie' might be the one who loves her for who she is on 'the inside'? All things considered, I am thinking this name to be an unfortunate situation unto itself. For me, I got a real kick from the line about 'stiff ones', I wonder if the officer caught what she said? As for the 'case of the missing vase', I hope those roses at least had their thorns removed. Otherwise, our dear Sarah will regret this one more than a night behind dumpsters. After that it will be another night sipping wine while stroking her white p***y.... is she a gilf by chance?

[Woody]

Gosh, thank you for an interesting and hilarious review, Nusqua :)
I guess I had an ulterior motive when I chose the guy's name. as for Sarah, she does come out as an old hag (gilf haha) but I assure you that's not how I made her. she's just a girl who couldn't get her s**t together. just waiting for a lucky break.
the thorns and the white p***y.. priceless!!!
I hope you're back for good, now. you've been missed.

[Nusquam Esse]

What can I say, Persians are renown for their rugs... ;)

[Woody]

hahaha this one I'd never heard before. I had to look it up :)))

[Valentine]

You BRAT...you caught me hook and sinker with this Ditty. Very funny ending. Valentine

[Woody]

I do my best to bring a smile at the end of my stories. glad this one surprised you :)

[Roland Petrov]

Hilarious! I think that's all I really need to say. What the hell, I'll say it again: hilarious!

[Woody]

you are too kind Roland. thank you very much, my friend. I'm thrilled you found this funny.

[Will Neill]

Oh my god ! Loved it, this is my type of humour (yes I know but I am old) I also liked the 'stiff one' very funny Woody.Another gem.
Will

[Woody]

thank you so much Will. yes alcohol definitely clouds the mind and gives "dirty" meanings to innocent remarks.
always such a pleasure to see you enjoy my writes.
I keep checking on you. you haven't written anything new lately. busy with the novel, no doubt.

[Will Neill]

I have lots of new stuff, plus working on my novel but I am reluctant to post it on here now, few make comments anymore (present company accepted of course) but who knows maybe I will change my mind.
Will

[Woody]

you're right about the lack of reviews. particularly because the site is full of poets as opposed to story writers. but of course you know best.

[Marie]

I like Willy. I don't care much for Sarah. Whatever happened to a nice, slow seduction? She should have put one of the roses between her teeth (I've always wanted to make a character do that), put the rest in a vase, and then done a strip tease for Willy. It wouldn't have taken him long to get the idea.

What she did was a little too abrupt. Most men still prefer to be the agressor.

[Woody]

yes, Willy is a likable person. funny but he reminds me of my younger self. I think you're being harsh with Sarah. she never had a good break. all she wanted was to be loved.
yes I suppose some men like to appear macho.

[Samuel Dickens]

Oooookay--he may be a nice and considerate guy, but Willy doesn't seem to know what to do with his little willy. Then again, maybe he doesn't know what a vagina is for. There she is, this lovely gal, prone on the bed with the gate to her secret garden swung wide, and he can't quit thinking about flowers and vases. At this point, I think up his butt would be a perfect place for them. Heh-heh, this is a good one, Woody.

[Woody]

and your review knocked me down. god you killed me with this one Sam. you should put it out there (no pun intended) as a story. it should stand up on its own. (the review, silly!)
Gee I'm still typing and laughing, Sam. thank you for the laugh :))))

[Marie]

The gate to this "secret garden" is not meant to suddenly come flapping wide open, but tenderly unlocked...

[Woody]

haha you are a romantic at heart, Marie. but admit it, Sam's review is hilarious.

[Marie]

Oh yes it was and so is your w=story.